Cant tell what is causing me to feel the way I feel.
Feel a deep black hole in the middle of my heart/tummy. Just huge sorrow/grief. Not sure why or what is causing it. Its like my entire being is caving in.
Feel like no one can help me.
Wonder why God has not intervene. What is He wanting to show me? What does He want me to know?
Question my existence again.
what is the purpose of my life?
why do i feel so sorrowful not having someone?
when i hear the word rejection, it draws a deep pain in my tummy area. why? have i been so rejected that much pain and hurt had been built up?
toulia is but another guy. why is he still causing me so much grief? he's moved on and gotten himself attached. why am i still hurting from it all? what makes this relationship so different that i still keep feeling the pain?
do i belong here in australia? i love it here, but the people here doesnt seem to want me here. or at least the devil doesnt seem to want me here. i seem to face more rejection here than i ever did back home. back home, at least i had friends to run to. family to care for. i have nothing and no one here.
my life seems to be a lie. i dont know what i am doing here. i feel so useless and worthless.
dislike feeling like i'm suffering, like i'm a loser. see my parents struggling and there's nothing i can do or help. feel like shit.
God says He is in charge. My family has not done anything wrong, yet He has allowed such suffering to befall on us. What fairness is there? I really cant get a hang of it. I dont know how to respond. I dont know how to react. I dont know what to do.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
14 April 2011 - Sad and disappointed
I am sad and disappointed that when something goes wrong, the finger points.
I know I should not use the ticket after reporting its loss. However, since it worked, I thought I would benefit whoever. And Minah would normally be the beneficiary. She was aware of the situation and would have gladly used it until it ran out of its shelf life.
But I chose to give it to Vonny cos "compassion" set in at that time. And it is really sad that when caught up in the issue, she gets upset and accuses me of not having good intentions.
She had benefited for a few weeks from using the ticket. How could she question that I was not sincere in giving her the ticket?
lol
God has a sense of humour.
Vonny was one of the girls whom I thought that I could rely on. Cos she had encouraged me and accepted me for who I was. but once again, God is good, showing me that people are temporal. They are not stable and reliable and that He is the only reliable one.
Andrew is another such person. Seemingly encouraging to start with, one would think that he is a great man of God. But he is only human. He strives to be perfect. But because of his pride, his brokenness is alarmingly apparent.
I am disappointed that Vonny questioned my intentions.
I can understand that she is upset and has been embarrassed, least to say late for work. However that did not call for a need to accuse me of something I didnt do.
I regret giving her the train ticket. It would have saved Minah alot of travelling time and given her more convenience. And when the life span runs out, she would have just let it be.
This incident has shown me how much more Minah has been to me than anyone else.
Thank you God for opening my eyes.
Thank You God for dealing with my weakness and sifting through the friends I have chosen, so that only the ones that You intended for my life stays.
I know I should not use the ticket after reporting its loss. However, since it worked, I thought I would benefit whoever. And Minah would normally be the beneficiary. She was aware of the situation and would have gladly used it until it ran out of its shelf life.
But I chose to give it to Vonny cos "compassion" set in at that time. And it is really sad that when caught up in the issue, she gets upset and accuses me of not having good intentions.
She had benefited for a few weeks from using the ticket. How could she question that I was not sincere in giving her the ticket?
lol
God has a sense of humour.
Vonny was one of the girls whom I thought that I could rely on. Cos she had encouraged me and accepted me for who I was. but once again, God is good, showing me that people are temporal. They are not stable and reliable and that He is the only reliable one.
Andrew is another such person. Seemingly encouraging to start with, one would think that he is a great man of God. But he is only human. He strives to be perfect. But because of his pride, his brokenness is alarmingly apparent.
I am disappointed that Vonny questioned my intentions.
I can understand that she is upset and has been embarrassed, least to say late for work. However that did not call for a need to accuse me of something I didnt do.
I regret giving her the train ticket. It would have saved Minah alot of travelling time and given her more convenience. And when the life span runs out, she would have just let it be.
This incident has shown me how much more Minah has been to me than anyone else.
Thank you God for opening my eyes.
Thank You God for dealing with my weakness and sifting through the friends I have chosen, so that only the ones that You intended for my life stays.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
13 April 2011 - Be the best
I still do not know what God has planned for me.
But I do know that He has placed me in the media industry. And I want to be the BEST.
I want to make an impact. And I am glad that He has placed me in akamedia. I am learning alot and I have no need to compromise my integrity.
I also know that my love for music is being stirred up. I do not know where it is going to take me, but I do know that I want to be able to play the guitar well by the end of the year.
God has given me the gift of a beautiful voice too. And I want to be able to take the 2 gifts and use it together for the good of God.
I do not know where it can be used at yet. But God will show me. I must first take the first step and practice the guitar and be willing and bold to sing with my voice, not getting afraid of who else is singing or whether they sound better. (e.g. stephanie)
Once a week, I will play my guitar.
Once a week I will focus on finding out and bringing myself closer to being the BEST in the industry.
I will live my life the way God has set me up to:-
1. Nothing foul is to come out of my mouth
2. Whatever that comes out of my mouth is to glorify and edify God and build people up
3. No more talk about Toulia or Melinda
4. Go back to TV team to serve
5. Continue serving in Discovery
6. Serve in bible college if I am asked
I will have a car before the end of the year!
I will take a short holiday before the end of the year.
And I will take a MAJOR holiday by the end of 2012!
Destination USA - if God wills. Otherwise, I am willing to be led.
But I do know that He has placed me in the media industry. And I want to be the BEST.
I want to make an impact. And I am glad that He has placed me in akamedia. I am learning alot and I have no need to compromise my integrity.
I also know that my love for music is being stirred up. I do not know where it is going to take me, but I do know that I want to be able to play the guitar well by the end of the year.
God has given me the gift of a beautiful voice too. And I want to be able to take the 2 gifts and use it together for the good of God.
I do not know where it can be used at yet. But God will show me. I must first take the first step and practice the guitar and be willing and bold to sing with my voice, not getting afraid of who else is singing or whether they sound better. (e.g. stephanie)
Once a week, I will play my guitar.
Once a week I will focus on finding out and bringing myself closer to being the BEST in the industry.
I will live my life the way God has set me up to:-
1. Nothing foul is to come out of my mouth
2. Whatever that comes out of my mouth is to glorify and edify God and build people up
3. No more talk about Toulia or Melinda
4. Go back to TV team to serve
5. Continue serving in Discovery
6. Serve in bible college if I am asked
I will have a car before the end of the year!
I will take a short holiday before the end of the year.
And I will take a MAJOR holiday by the end of 2012!
Destination USA - if God wills. Otherwise, I am willing to be led.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
6 april 2011 - thoughts
Was just thinking... if I choose to go ahead and find a man of my own, I can definitely snare someone. But that's not what God has for me.
also, I was thinking back on how I have been with the men and know that I have always tested them. i never trusted them. I never thought that they would stay cos I never thought that I was precious enough for them to want to stay.
oh how my heart cries out.
oh how my heart hurts.
Why and how did I end up thinking that way about myself?!
am I that worthless? No!
that's not what God says.
God gave up Jesus Christ to die for me! I must be worth something!
thought to myself that I could put on my best behaviour and be merciful and all and suddenly realised that that was not how i was with any of my other ex. I never had mercy with anyone. I was always upset with everyone.
why Daddy? why?
that's not the life that I want. That's not the life that you promised.
i want to be on my best behaviour cos that's me.
I am afraid. what toulia did to me still hurts. I know i must have pushed his buttons cos of my distrust of men. but i never expected the ending that we had.
suddenly the thought comes - my trust is not in men but in God who provides. So i dont have to test anyone to know if they will stay or not. God will deal with all of that. And if those people dont stay, then God had allowed it to happen cos He has something better for me. so i will not test again. i will have compassion. i will love, even my enemies.
i asked God for a revelation. God gave me two.
Praise God.
also, I was thinking back on how I have been with the men and know that I have always tested them. i never trusted them. I never thought that they would stay cos I never thought that I was precious enough for them to want to stay.
oh how my heart cries out.
oh how my heart hurts.
Why and how did I end up thinking that way about myself?!
am I that worthless? No!
that's not what God says.
God gave up Jesus Christ to die for me! I must be worth something!
thought to myself that I could put on my best behaviour and be merciful and all and suddenly realised that that was not how i was with any of my other ex. I never had mercy with anyone. I was always upset with everyone.
why Daddy? why?
that's not the life that I want. That's not the life that you promised.
i want to be on my best behaviour cos that's me.
I am afraid. what toulia did to me still hurts. I know i must have pushed his buttons cos of my distrust of men. but i never expected the ending that we had.
suddenly the thought comes - my trust is not in men but in God who provides. So i dont have to test anyone to know if they will stay or not. God will deal with all of that. And if those people dont stay, then God had allowed it to happen cos He has something better for me. so i will not test again. i will have compassion. i will love, even my enemies.
i asked God for a revelation. God gave me two.
Praise God.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
6 April 2011 - Single or married?
I still have not answered the question single or married.
But I do know that I have an issue being single.
Why God? Why?
Why do I feel so imperfect just because I am single?
Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am single and many of my friends younger than I have already been attached and with families, not to speak about my friends who are of my age.
I do not like feeling this way. I feel miserable.
How can I be reigning in life if I feel so miserable?!
This is not the life that Jesus came to suffer and die for me.
So why Daddy?!
Why do I feel this way?
Can You get rid of it please?
I dont know what I have done, or believed or promised to myself to end up feeling this way, but I dont want it.
I am sorry for making choices that have caused me to sin. And I know that only You can take it away, so please Daddy, please take this away! This is not for me. It is not mine.
Help! :(
Daddy, help me to be at peace with being single!
You have declared that there is nothing wrong with me. I have been made perfect and righteous in Christ Jesus. I am precious, regardless of whether I am attached or single. I am beautiful regardless of how fat or thin I am.
So help me have that revelation Lord!
Jesus, you are Lord over my life. So I give this to you.
I give this feeling of inadequacy to you Daddy!
I am complete and whole. I do not need anyone to make me whole.
Jesus You made me whole!
But I do know that I have an issue being single.
Why God? Why?
Why do I feel so imperfect just because I am single?
Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am single and many of my friends younger than I have already been attached and with families, not to speak about my friends who are of my age.
I do not like feeling this way. I feel miserable.
How can I be reigning in life if I feel so miserable?!
This is not the life that Jesus came to suffer and die for me.
So why Daddy?!
Why do I feel this way?
Can You get rid of it please?
I dont know what I have done, or believed or promised to myself to end up feeling this way, but I dont want it.
I am sorry for making choices that have caused me to sin. And I know that only You can take it away, so please Daddy, please take this away! This is not for me. It is not mine.
Help! :(
Daddy, help me to be at peace with being single!
You have declared that there is nothing wrong with me. I have been made perfect and righteous in Christ Jesus. I am precious, regardless of whether I am attached or single. I am beautiful regardless of how fat or thin I am.
So help me have that revelation Lord!
Jesus, you are Lord over my life. So I give this to you.
I give this feeling of inadequacy to you Daddy!
I am complete and whole. I do not need anyone to make me whole.
Jesus You made me whole!
Monday, April 4, 2011
4 April 2011 - Singapore government
I cannot remember why and how I had accumulated bitterness towards the Singaporean government. Something must have happened to cause me to dislike them so much. Started with hate but through the years, i have let it go.
However in conversation with mom today showed me that I still harboured feelings of resentment and bitterness toward them.
Perhaps they did something toward me that I had felt was unfair or unjust. However I believe that God spoke to me through the Holy Spirit to forgive the singapore gvt for whatever they might have done to have caused me the grief and to let go of the resentment and bitterness. And to bless them and thank them for who they created me to be.
As much as I can see the flaws of my being, I need to see the goodness that has come out of me. I guess I dont see the "value" as much as I should.
Praise God that He left me the Holy Spirit and He is leading and guiding me to see things that I never saw before and to convict me of things that I wasnt aware of.
God is good.
However in conversation with mom today showed me that I still harboured feelings of resentment and bitterness toward them.
Perhaps they did something toward me that I had felt was unfair or unjust. However I believe that God spoke to me through the Holy Spirit to forgive the singapore gvt for whatever they might have done to have caused me the grief and to let go of the resentment and bitterness. And to bless them and thank them for who they created me to be.
As much as I can see the flaws of my being, I need to see the goodness that has come out of me. I guess I dont see the "value" as much as I should.
Praise God that He left me the Holy Spirit and He is leading and guiding me to see things that I never saw before and to convict me of things that I wasnt aware of.
God is good.
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