Damn I hate my emotions. Why am I born a woman? This emotional fluctuation is so hard to control. I feel my flesh throwing such a huge tantrum! I feel like bashing myself against the wall to just teach it a lesson to shutup!
My head is filled with thoughts busting to be released on Facebook or the blog or in my conversations with God and I detest it cos none of it is positive. They are all full if fears and worries and regret and guilt!
I hate them.
Lies from the devil. All lies. Yet still for a very short time I believed in them. Damn it. I have not felt this way in some time. Why is it happening again?!
My body feels so uncomfortable. Feels like something is wanting to burst out of my skin. It's just pushing against my skin and throbbing against the back of my head! Is this how it feels like to have the body and soul throwing a tantrum? And me refusing to give it time of day n refusing to let it out?!
I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. He knows what's best for me- job, friends, and life partner.
Yet I can't help hearing the thoughts of regret, guilt, pounding away at my head. I fight to throw it out the window only to find it returning like a boomerang.
When will I be well and stable?
I KNOW that one day I will be well and emotionally stable. But qn is when?! It seems like eternity that I have been suffering from this.
I have not only hurt the ones I love but I have further deepened the wounds others have caused to me. I keep ripping open the healing scab of my wounds in my own striving to have it heal faster. Only to realize there is no one else who can help me other than God and what I must do is to rest at His feet.
Yet I still do what I know I shouldn't do.
I desire sympathy. But where am I going to get it from? A human? There is only so much a human can do and can give. Yet I do what I already know is stupid.
When will I learn?
This has already cost me much. How much more do I have to pay?! It sounds ridiculous cos I am telling everyone, especially the new christians, the people who need encouragement; that Jesus already bore all their sicknesses and diseases yet I allow the devil to make me pay! The debt has been paid! I am a free woman! Why do I not live my life free?!
Argh... Sigh...
I wish I knew the answers.
Ben only wishes for a companion who shares His beliefs and passion about God.
I want more. Though I have my list of must haves and wants; what I want most is someone to do the journey of life with me. Someone who can love me and accept me as I am- baggage n all. And support me through the tough times.
I have no doubts I will support my partner through the tough times. I have wen there n done that. Too many times. But sadly no one has been willing to sacrifice for me and do that for me.
Makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I'm not valuable. Nice again, another lie from the devil yet I so willingly take it in with both ears and let those words pierce my heart. How long more?!
No! No more!! Time to stop. But how?
Hopefully what Joyce had recommended in her sermon will work. N I need the discipline to get it going. Seems like life is getting more boring by the day. Early night, early morning. Spend time and more time in God's words. Do not speak to everyone about my problems.
Well, I guess if I am to be used by God and in ministry to raise leaders then I need to do whatever I can right? The condition I am in pretty much is useless to God! How can He use someone like me? Emotional, full of baggages, and afraid of being hurt.
I'm going to be around people. How can I be afraid of being hurt? It's bound to happen! Who am I kidding?!
I wish God will send someone to take this journey with me. Like Lisa n Joyce. They had a husband who saw them through the hard times. I have no one.
Perhaps cos every time God sends someone as support I grip unto the person, relying on the person for everything. When God is the only one I can rely on.
I know all of these yet I still fall. I still fail. I know I will keep going through this until I pass the test. Yet I still let my flesh throw the tantrums n control me n affect my behaviour.
Sigh
I need Your grace Lord. I cannot so this alone. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot do this with my own strength.
And I am really sick n tired of You taking people away from me because I keep failing the test and leaning on them.
Help me stop it please.
You said I am an overcomer. I am more than a conqueror. So all these emotions n thoughts n tantrums should bow at my feet shouldn't they?
I don't care. Even though I don't see it yet, by faith I declare that my emotions and thoughts are already bowing at my feet. My actions are led and guided and directed by You.
I will walk in Peace. I will not open my mouth to anyone unless You give me the peace to do so. God, this is a hard one so You really have to be with me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
19 May 2011 - Its now all Yours God!
I have done what I can and said what I can say. i have been as open and honest as I can, without trying to defend my behaviour or blame anyone for it.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
19 May 2011 - Enough!
I refuse to be slave to my emotions and my thoughts any longer.
I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.
God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(
Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.
I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.
Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.
I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.
But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.
I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.
If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!
God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.
amen!
I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.
God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(
Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.
I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.
Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.
I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.
But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.
I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.
If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!
God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.
amen!
18 May 2011 - Let it go
Obviously I have stuffed up again cos Ben is so not talking to me.
I dun have to wait till end of the month. I'm letting it go right now already. No more msging him. No more checking whatsapp. No more hoping he will contact me.
I will move on. He apparently has. All he said bout not letting me go this time and having the patience n all... Lies. I won't even bother contacting him when I get back to SG.
This is the end.
Lord harden my heart and help me let go.
I dun have to wait till end of the month. I'm letting it go right now already. No more msging him. No more checking whatsapp. No more hoping he will contact me.
I will move on. He apparently has. All he said bout not letting me go this time and having the patience n all... Lies. I won't even bother contacting him when I get back to SG.
This is the end.
Lord harden my heart and help me let go.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
18 May 2011 - I miss him
Is he a rebound again?
Or am I his rebound?
He hasnt called or texted since that standoff yesterday morning.
Is he angry with me? Did he find the whole drama too much for his liking? Or is he just purely too busy to think about anything as he said before. I dont know. I am not in SG.
Even if I was, I probably wouldnt know either.
His fb is not the best gauge. i cant tell who he is from his fb. It doesnt say much. In fact what it says terrifies me. It seems to show a different person to whom I converse with on the phone. The person on the phone sounds more like the Ben I know. The Ben on fb seems to be a totally different person to who I know.
When Ben came back into my life, it seemed like a prayer answered. But I really dont know. And I guess only time can tell. And that means patience. That means waiting. Waiting for God to confirm. Waiting for Ben to prove that he is what he says he is - committed and unwilling to let me go and able to put up with me and handle me.
If this relationship is from God, then God will move. He will confirm. Even if nothing is starting yet, He will give me a confirmation. And the confirmation I have asked for is for Ben to get in contact with me before the end of May. Its already the 18th. Which means, less than 2 weeks. Yet the wait seems so far away. I really wish he would call now.
But I guess, if I dont wait, I'll never know if he is the one.
Why do I like him so much even though we have not met in 13 years? I dont know much about him and how he is, yet I am drawn to him. Why? How?
Is he drawn to me too?
Has he been thinking about me?
Are we a good match? He is brand conscious now (cant remember if he was before) but I am far from being brand conscious.
Is yiling right that we shouldnt get together? Or is that from the devil? I dont know. I only know that I can only trust God and if God doesnt bring him back into my life, then I really have to let it go and walk away.
I really wish that he was here.
I miss his voice. i miss the attention I was getting too. Maybe that was what I was attracted to, not Ben. I dont know. :(
God help me.
Or am I his rebound?
He hasnt called or texted since that standoff yesterday morning.
Is he angry with me? Did he find the whole drama too much for his liking? Or is he just purely too busy to think about anything as he said before. I dont know. I am not in SG.
Even if I was, I probably wouldnt know either.
His fb is not the best gauge. i cant tell who he is from his fb. It doesnt say much. In fact what it says terrifies me. It seems to show a different person to whom I converse with on the phone. The person on the phone sounds more like the Ben I know. The Ben on fb seems to be a totally different person to who I know.
When Ben came back into my life, it seemed like a prayer answered. But I really dont know. And I guess only time can tell. And that means patience. That means waiting. Waiting for God to confirm. Waiting for Ben to prove that he is what he says he is - committed and unwilling to let me go and able to put up with me and handle me.
If this relationship is from God, then God will move. He will confirm. Even if nothing is starting yet, He will give me a confirmation. And the confirmation I have asked for is for Ben to get in contact with me before the end of May. Its already the 18th. Which means, less than 2 weeks. Yet the wait seems so far away. I really wish he would call now.
But I guess, if I dont wait, I'll never know if he is the one.
Why do I like him so much even though we have not met in 13 years? I dont know much about him and how he is, yet I am drawn to him. Why? How?
Is he drawn to me too?
Has he been thinking about me?
Are we a good match? He is brand conscious now (cant remember if he was before) but I am far from being brand conscious.
Is yiling right that we shouldnt get together? Or is that from the devil? I dont know. I only know that I can only trust God and if God doesnt bring him back into my life, then I really have to let it go and walk away.
I really wish that he was here.
I miss his voice. i miss the attention I was getting too. Maybe that was what I was attracted to, not Ben. I dont know. :(
God help me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
17 May 2011 - I've lost him
I know I told God I surrender this to Him and that I only want what He wants for me. So if Ben is not what He wants for me, then I will NOT get upset about the current situation.
Seems like I have lost him. Either he is angry with me or he is really busy. He has not been texting me at all. I am upset. But I know that for this to happen, God knows best.
He promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows His thoughts and plans for me. Thoughts and plans not for evil but for hope in my final outcome (amp)
And I trust God that He is sovereign.
Eph 1:4 says that I was called and chosen even before the creation of the world.
Eph 1:11 says that I have been chosen and appointed beforehand in accordance to His will.
And
Eph 1:18 asks me to know and understand the hope which He has called me
I shall trust God to direct my paths and keep me safe. He knows when's best. If Ben is the one, then regardless of what we face now, we will still end up together. Otherwise God will have someone else.
Sensing that Ben might be the one does not mean that it will happen instantly. Relationships take time to forge.
If Ben is the one, he will eventually contact me again.
i just have to care as a friend does. if it happens, it happens. who knows... ben might not be the one. there might be someone else!
although i am thankful for what's happening now, so i do not get hurt. i can pull back on my emotions.
whatever it is, my trust is in God. And I want what God wants for me. Not what I want. And I know that I want Ben NOW!
but i dont think that is wise. Its best I keep to original plan and stick to being single for now.
I am disappointed that he cannot make the time to come over in July. how can he then be able to sell everything and come over end of the year?
how naive and gullible i am.
Seems like I have lost him. Either he is angry with me or he is really busy. He has not been texting me at all. I am upset. But I know that for this to happen, God knows best.
He promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows His thoughts and plans for me. Thoughts and plans not for evil but for hope in my final outcome (amp)
And I trust God that He is sovereign.
Eph 1:4 says that I was called and chosen even before the creation of the world.
Eph 1:11 says that I have been chosen and appointed beforehand in accordance to His will.
And
Eph 1:18 asks me to know and understand the hope which He has called me
I shall trust God to direct my paths and keep me safe. He knows when's best. If Ben is the one, then regardless of what we face now, we will still end up together. Otherwise God will have someone else.
Sensing that Ben might be the one does not mean that it will happen instantly. Relationships take time to forge.
If Ben is the one, he will eventually contact me again.
i just have to care as a friend does. if it happens, it happens. who knows... ben might not be the one. there might be someone else!
although i am thankful for what's happening now, so i do not get hurt. i can pull back on my emotions.
whatever it is, my trust is in God. And I want what God wants for me. Not what I want. And I know that I want Ben NOW!
but i dont think that is wise. Its best I keep to original plan and stick to being single for now.
I am disappointed that he cannot make the time to come over in July. how can he then be able to sell everything and come over end of the year?
how naive and gullible i am.
17 May 2011 - The pill
I totally did not like the feeling of being on the anti-depressant. I felt like I had heaps of coffee. my skin was crawling. my head and back of neck was cold. it was awful.
i felt like throwing up. i couldnt eat. nothing i ate could satisfy me or fill me. I couldnt even sleep it off. my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt so depressed i wanted to end my life, yet i felt a certain amount of "peace". i had knowledge that i had a flood of emotions, yet i felt all other emotions except the flood of emotions. it was such a weird feeling.
i swore not to continue it. and my medication was only 10mg and i had such huge reactions.
yet last night and this morn, when i realised that i am nothing to ben at the moment, i didnt feel a thing. in fact i felt peaceful. i think the medication was still working. cos i felt a faster than normal heart beat still. i felt so tired. i didnt wana do anything. so tired. so lethargic.
out of the blue, at around 930am, suddenly a rush of emotions came in. fear settled in my heart. i couldnt even figure out what i was fearful about. i just felt it grip my heart. i felt kinda dizzy. i wanted out. i felt the downward spiral. it was crazy.
i dont know. perhaps i will just take 5mg and see how it goes. i cant afford this dip in emotions. i cant let fear grip my heart. i'll talk to allan about it first. see what his experience was.
i felt like throwing up. i couldnt eat. nothing i ate could satisfy me or fill me. I couldnt even sleep it off. my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt so depressed i wanted to end my life, yet i felt a certain amount of "peace". i had knowledge that i had a flood of emotions, yet i felt all other emotions except the flood of emotions. it was such a weird feeling.
i swore not to continue it. and my medication was only 10mg and i had such huge reactions.
yet last night and this morn, when i realised that i am nothing to ben at the moment, i didnt feel a thing. in fact i felt peaceful. i think the medication was still working. cos i felt a faster than normal heart beat still. i felt so tired. i didnt wana do anything. so tired. so lethargic.
out of the blue, at around 930am, suddenly a rush of emotions came in. fear settled in my heart. i couldnt even figure out what i was fearful about. i just felt it grip my heart. i felt kinda dizzy. i wanted out. i felt the downward spiral. it was crazy.
i dont know. perhaps i will just take 5mg and see how it goes. i cant afford this dip in emotions. i cant let fear grip my heart. i'll talk to allan about it first. see what his experience was.
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