Damn I hate my emotions. Why am I born a woman? This emotional fluctuation is so hard to control. I feel my flesh throwing such a huge tantrum! I feel like bashing myself against the wall to just teach it a lesson to shutup!
My head is filled with thoughts busting to be released on Facebook or the blog or in my conversations with God and I detest it cos none of it is positive. They are all full if fears and worries and regret and guilt!
I hate them.
Lies from the devil. All lies. Yet still for a very short time I believed in them. Damn it. I have not felt this way in some time. Why is it happening again?!
My body feels so uncomfortable. Feels like something is wanting to burst out of my skin. It's just pushing against my skin and throbbing against the back of my head! Is this how it feels like to have the body and soul throwing a tantrum? And me refusing to give it time of day n refusing to let it out?!
I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. He knows what's best for me- job, friends, and life partner.
Yet I can't help hearing the thoughts of regret, guilt, pounding away at my head. I fight to throw it out the window only to find it returning like a boomerang.
When will I be well and stable?
I KNOW that one day I will be well and emotionally stable. But qn is when?! It seems like eternity that I have been suffering from this.
I have not only hurt the ones I love but I have further deepened the wounds others have caused to me. I keep ripping open the healing scab of my wounds in my own striving to have it heal faster. Only to realize there is no one else who can help me other than God and what I must do is to rest at His feet.
Yet I still do what I know I shouldn't do.
I desire sympathy. But where am I going to get it from? A human? There is only so much a human can do and can give. Yet I do what I already know is stupid.
When will I learn?
This has already cost me much. How much more do I have to pay?! It sounds ridiculous cos I am telling everyone, especially the new christians, the people who need encouragement; that Jesus already bore all their sicknesses and diseases yet I allow the devil to make me pay! The debt has been paid! I am a free woman! Why do I not live my life free?!
Argh... Sigh...
I wish I knew the answers.
Ben only wishes for a companion who shares His beliefs and passion about God.
I want more. Though I have my list of must haves and wants; what I want most is someone to do the journey of life with me. Someone who can love me and accept me as I am- baggage n all. And support me through the tough times.
I have no doubts I will support my partner through the tough times. I have wen there n done that. Too many times. But sadly no one has been willing to sacrifice for me and do that for me.
Makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I'm not valuable. Nice again, another lie from the devil yet I so willingly take it in with both ears and let those words pierce my heart. How long more?!
No! No more!! Time to stop. But how?
Hopefully what Joyce had recommended in her sermon will work. N I need the discipline to get it going. Seems like life is getting more boring by the day. Early night, early morning. Spend time and more time in God's words. Do not speak to everyone about my problems.
Well, I guess if I am to be used by God and in ministry to raise leaders then I need to do whatever I can right? The condition I am in pretty much is useless to God! How can He use someone like me? Emotional, full of baggages, and afraid of being hurt.
I'm going to be around people. How can I be afraid of being hurt? It's bound to happen! Who am I kidding?!
I wish God will send someone to take this journey with me. Like Lisa n Joyce. They had a husband who saw them through the hard times. I have no one.
Perhaps cos every time God sends someone as support I grip unto the person, relying on the person for everything. When God is the only one I can rely on.
I know all of these yet I still fall. I still fail. I know I will keep going through this until I pass the test. Yet I still let my flesh throw the tantrums n control me n affect my behaviour.
Sigh
I need Your grace Lord. I cannot so this alone. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot do this with my own strength.
And I am really sick n tired of You taking people away from me because I keep failing the test and leaning on them.
Help me stop it please.
You said I am an overcomer. I am more than a conqueror. So all these emotions n thoughts n tantrums should bow at my feet shouldn't they?
I don't care. Even though I don't see it yet, by faith I declare that my emotions and thoughts are already bowing at my feet. My actions are led and guided and directed by You.
I will walk in Peace. I will not open my mouth to anyone unless You give me the peace to do so. God, this is a hard one so You really have to be with me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
19 May 2011 - Its now all Yours God!
I have done what I can and said what I can say. i have been as open and honest as I can, without trying to defend my behaviour or blame anyone for it.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
19 May 2011 - Enough!
I refuse to be slave to my emotions and my thoughts any longer.
I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.
God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(
Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.
I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.
Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.
I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.
But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.
I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.
If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!
God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.
amen!
I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.
God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(
Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.
I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.
Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.
I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.
But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.
I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.
If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!
God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.
amen!
18 May 2011 - Let it go
Obviously I have stuffed up again cos Ben is so not talking to me.
I dun have to wait till end of the month. I'm letting it go right now already. No more msging him. No more checking whatsapp. No more hoping he will contact me.
I will move on. He apparently has. All he said bout not letting me go this time and having the patience n all... Lies. I won't even bother contacting him when I get back to SG.
This is the end.
Lord harden my heart and help me let go.
I dun have to wait till end of the month. I'm letting it go right now already. No more msging him. No more checking whatsapp. No more hoping he will contact me.
I will move on. He apparently has. All he said bout not letting me go this time and having the patience n all... Lies. I won't even bother contacting him when I get back to SG.
This is the end.
Lord harden my heart and help me let go.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
18 May 2011 - I miss him
Is he a rebound again?
Or am I his rebound?
He hasnt called or texted since that standoff yesterday morning.
Is he angry with me? Did he find the whole drama too much for his liking? Or is he just purely too busy to think about anything as he said before. I dont know. I am not in SG.
Even if I was, I probably wouldnt know either.
His fb is not the best gauge. i cant tell who he is from his fb. It doesnt say much. In fact what it says terrifies me. It seems to show a different person to whom I converse with on the phone. The person on the phone sounds more like the Ben I know. The Ben on fb seems to be a totally different person to who I know.
When Ben came back into my life, it seemed like a prayer answered. But I really dont know. And I guess only time can tell. And that means patience. That means waiting. Waiting for God to confirm. Waiting for Ben to prove that he is what he says he is - committed and unwilling to let me go and able to put up with me and handle me.
If this relationship is from God, then God will move. He will confirm. Even if nothing is starting yet, He will give me a confirmation. And the confirmation I have asked for is for Ben to get in contact with me before the end of May. Its already the 18th. Which means, less than 2 weeks. Yet the wait seems so far away. I really wish he would call now.
But I guess, if I dont wait, I'll never know if he is the one.
Why do I like him so much even though we have not met in 13 years? I dont know much about him and how he is, yet I am drawn to him. Why? How?
Is he drawn to me too?
Has he been thinking about me?
Are we a good match? He is brand conscious now (cant remember if he was before) but I am far from being brand conscious.
Is yiling right that we shouldnt get together? Or is that from the devil? I dont know. I only know that I can only trust God and if God doesnt bring him back into my life, then I really have to let it go and walk away.
I really wish that he was here.
I miss his voice. i miss the attention I was getting too. Maybe that was what I was attracted to, not Ben. I dont know. :(
God help me.
Or am I his rebound?
He hasnt called or texted since that standoff yesterday morning.
Is he angry with me? Did he find the whole drama too much for his liking? Or is he just purely too busy to think about anything as he said before. I dont know. I am not in SG.
Even if I was, I probably wouldnt know either.
His fb is not the best gauge. i cant tell who he is from his fb. It doesnt say much. In fact what it says terrifies me. It seems to show a different person to whom I converse with on the phone. The person on the phone sounds more like the Ben I know. The Ben on fb seems to be a totally different person to who I know.
When Ben came back into my life, it seemed like a prayer answered. But I really dont know. And I guess only time can tell. And that means patience. That means waiting. Waiting for God to confirm. Waiting for Ben to prove that he is what he says he is - committed and unwilling to let me go and able to put up with me and handle me.
If this relationship is from God, then God will move. He will confirm. Even if nothing is starting yet, He will give me a confirmation. And the confirmation I have asked for is for Ben to get in contact with me before the end of May. Its already the 18th. Which means, less than 2 weeks. Yet the wait seems so far away. I really wish he would call now.
But I guess, if I dont wait, I'll never know if he is the one.
Why do I like him so much even though we have not met in 13 years? I dont know much about him and how he is, yet I am drawn to him. Why? How?
Is he drawn to me too?
Has he been thinking about me?
Are we a good match? He is brand conscious now (cant remember if he was before) but I am far from being brand conscious.
Is yiling right that we shouldnt get together? Or is that from the devil? I dont know. I only know that I can only trust God and if God doesnt bring him back into my life, then I really have to let it go and walk away.
I really wish that he was here.
I miss his voice. i miss the attention I was getting too. Maybe that was what I was attracted to, not Ben. I dont know. :(
God help me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
17 May 2011 - I've lost him
I know I told God I surrender this to Him and that I only want what He wants for me. So if Ben is not what He wants for me, then I will NOT get upset about the current situation.
Seems like I have lost him. Either he is angry with me or he is really busy. He has not been texting me at all. I am upset. But I know that for this to happen, God knows best.
He promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows His thoughts and plans for me. Thoughts and plans not for evil but for hope in my final outcome (amp)
And I trust God that He is sovereign.
Eph 1:4 says that I was called and chosen even before the creation of the world.
Eph 1:11 says that I have been chosen and appointed beforehand in accordance to His will.
And
Eph 1:18 asks me to know and understand the hope which He has called me
I shall trust God to direct my paths and keep me safe. He knows when's best. If Ben is the one, then regardless of what we face now, we will still end up together. Otherwise God will have someone else.
Sensing that Ben might be the one does not mean that it will happen instantly. Relationships take time to forge.
If Ben is the one, he will eventually contact me again.
i just have to care as a friend does. if it happens, it happens. who knows... ben might not be the one. there might be someone else!
although i am thankful for what's happening now, so i do not get hurt. i can pull back on my emotions.
whatever it is, my trust is in God. And I want what God wants for me. Not what I want. And I know that I want Ben NOW!
but i dont think that is wise. Its best I keep to original plan and stick to being single for now.
I am disappointed that he cannot make the time to come over in July. how can he then be able to sell everything and come over end of the year?
how naive and gullible i am.
Seems like I have lost him. Either he is angry with me or he is really busy. He has not been texting me at all. I am upset. But I know that for this to happen, God knows best.
He promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows His thoughts and plans for me. Thoughts and plans not for evil but for hope in my final outcome (amp)
And I trust God that He is sovereign.
Eph 1:4 says that I was called and chosen even before the creation of the world.
Eph 1:11 says that I have been chosen and appointed beforehand in accordance to His will.
And
Eph 1:18 asks me to know and understand the hope which He has called me
I shall trust God to direct my paths and keep me safe. He knows when's best. If Ben is the one, then regardless of what we face now, we will still end up together. Otherwise God will have someone else.
Sensing that Ben might be the one does not mean that it will happen instantly. Relationships take time to forge.
If Ben is the one, he will eventually contact me again.
i just have to care as a friend does. if it happens, it happens. who knows... ben might not be the one. there might be someone else!
although i am thankful for what's happening now, so i do not get hurt. i can pull back on my emotions.
whatever it is, my trust is in God. And I want what God wants for me. Not what I want. And I know that I want Ben NOW!
but i dont think that is wise. Its best I keep to original plan and stick to being single for now.
I am disappointed that he cannot make the time to come over in July. how can he then be able to sell everything and come over end of the year?
how naive and gullible i am.
17 May 2011 - The pill
I totally did not like the feeling of being on the anti-depressant. I felt like I had heaps of coffee. my skin was crawling. my head and back of neck was cold. it was awful.
i felt like throwing up. i couldnt eat. nothing i ate could satisfy me or fill me. I couldnt even sleep it off. my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt so depressed i wanted to end my life, yet i felt a certain amount of "peace". i had knowledge that i had a flood of emotions, yet i felt all other emotions except the flood of emotions. it was such a weird feeling.
i swore not to continue it. and my medication was only 10mg and i had such huge reactions.
yet last night and this morn, when i realised that i am nothing to ben at the moment, i didnt feel a thing. in fact i felt peaceful. i think the medication was still working. cos i felt a faster than normal heart beat still. i felt so tired. i didnt wana do anything. so tired. so lethargic.
out of the blue, at around 930am, suddenly a rush of emotions came in. fear settled in my heart. i couldnt even figure out what i was fearful about. i just felt it grip my heart. i felt kinda dizzy. i wanted out. i felt the downward spiral. it was crazy.
i dont know. perhaps i will just take 5mg and see how it goes. i cant afford this dip in emotions. i cant let fear grip my heart. i'll talk to allan about it first. see what his experience was.
i felt like throwing up. i couldnt eat. nothing i ate could satisfy me or fill me. I couldnt even sleep it off. my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt so depressed i wanted to end my life, yet i felt a certain amount of "peace". i had knowledge that i had a flood of emotions, yet i felt all other emotions except the flood of emotions. it was such a weird feeling.
i swore not to continue it. and my medication was only 10mg and i had such huge reactions.
yet last night and this morn, when i realised that i am nothing to ben at the moment, i didnt feel a thing. in fact i felt peaceful. i think the medication was still working. cos i felt a faster than normal heart beat still. i felt so tired. i didnt wana do anything. so tired. so lethargic.
out of the blue, at around 930am, suddenly a rush of emotions came in. fear settled in my heart. i couldnt even figure out what i was fearful about. i just felt it grip my heart. i felt kinda dizzy. i wanted out. i felt the downward spiral. it was crazy.
i dont know. perhaps i will just take 5mg and see how it goes. i cant afford this dip in emotions. i cant let fear grip my heart. i'll talk to allan about it first. see what his experience was.
17 May 2011 - Angry
you say that your facebook is only for entertaining.
Yet you can stay up late to post photos and wake up early in the morn 6am to like and comment on a photo.
You are full of shit.
I am angry and pissed off. you misled me. from the things that you said. From the terms that you used.
you are NOT the man of God I am looking for. you are not honest. I correct that. when questioned, you are honest.
i think you are confused. and you have caused confusion in my life as a result of that too.
Praise God that He has helped me to step away from all of this. you are not ready.
you change too fast.
you started pursuing me and then now suddenly you get cold feet and drop me. geesh.. what fun.
you wana start slow cos of the distance, you should have started slow. i didnt need to know of your intentions to be my bf. you didnt have to tell me. but of cos. you are still mortal. you are not perfect. i forgive you for that. and i thank God for opening my eyes.
i'm cool that you want to go slow. you want us to be just friends first.
but after this whole drama, can we still be friends? i dont know.
if God be, i guess we will.
i surrender all of this to God.
amen.
Yet you can stay up late to post photos and wake up early in the morn 6am to like and comment on a photo.
You are full of shit.
I am angry and pissed off. you misled me. from the things that you said. From the terms that you used.
you are NOT the man of God I am looking for. you are not honest. I correct that. when questioned, you are honest.
i think you are confused. and you have caused confusion in my life as a result of that too.
Praise God that He has helped me to step away from all of this. you are not ready.
you change too fast.
you started pursuing me and then now suddenly you get cold feet and drop me. geesh.. what fun.
you wana start slow cos of the distance, you should have started slow. i didnt need to know of your intentions to be my bf. you didnt have to tell me. but of cos. you are still mortal. you are not perfect. i forgive you for that. and i thank God for opening my eyes.
i'm cool that you want to go slow. you want us to be just friends first.
but after this whole drama, can we still be friends? i dont know.
if God be, i guess we will.
i surrender all of this to God.
amen.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
16 May 2011 - Root of Rejection
I cant figure out why it matters so much to me that I am liked. And why it hurts so much when I perceive that I am not wanted/rejected.
I am useless in this state. I feel so pathetic having to take the anti-depressant pills. God gave me the strength and power to overcome all things yet I cant even deal with tiny matters of the will power.
I feel so sick from the pills. And all I can see if my hovering over a dustbin, crying my eyes out, cos I feel awfully sick from the medication. And I am all alone.
How did I get here? This is not the Carol that I know. She was strong. She was a fighter. Now all I see is a weak fragile person who hardly has the will to live. How did I let the enemy get so close to wiping me out?
I dont have anyone to turn to. I know that God is the one I need to turn to. But what does that mean? i've prayed over and over again, yet I just need 1 person to reject me and I break.
I feel embarrassed. I feel so useless. I cant even cope with the simple skill of accepting other's decisions. Its a choice they make. I dont have to be liked by everyone. And not everyone that I like will like me back. So what's wrong with me? Why cant I handle simple things like this?
Why do I keep thinking that Ben is not interested? Why must it be negative. He has already said he will come. Why do I have to push him an further away?
Why does my existence rely so much on him? It shouldnt yet it seems to be that way. Its so unhealthy. Yet I am doing it and I dont know why and I dont know any other way.
This sucks!
I am useless in this state. I feel so pathetic having to take the anti-depressant pills. God gave me the strength and power to overcome all things yet I cant even deal with tiny matters of the will power.
I feel so sick from the pills. And all I can see if my hovering over a dustbin, crying my eyes out, cos I feel awfully sick from the medication. And I am all alone.
How did I get here? This is not the Carol that I know. She was strong. She was a fighter. Now all I see is a weak fragile person who hardly has the will to live. How did I let the enemy get so close to wiping me out?
I dont have anyone to turn to. I know that God is the one I need to turn to. But what does that mean? i've prayed over and over again, yet I just need 1 person to reject me and I break.
I feel embarrassed. I feel so useless. I cant even cope with the simple skill of accepting other's decisions. Its a choice they make. I dont have to be liked by everyone. And not everyone that I like will like me back. So what's wrong with me? Why cant I handle simple things like this?
Why do I keep thinking that Ben is not interested? Why must it be negative. He has already said he will come. Why do I have to push him an further away?
Why does my existence rely so much on him? It shouldnt yet it seems to be that way. Its so unhealthy. Yet I am doing it and I dont know why and I dont know any other way.
This sucks!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
15 May 2011 - Authority over all things
Woke up with tummy ache. Had diarrhea. So dun feel like serving.
But suddenly in service I was just overcome with this sense of conference and faith!
Assurance that I have all authority over all things. Eg my tummy and the toxins in my body.
As well as my emotions and the "fluctuations". I have all authority n control over it cos Jesus is the Lord over my life. I have all authority over my life. If I don't even have authority over my life how am I goin to have authority in other areas?!
So no. It is non-negotiable. I have authority over my mind and my thoughts. I will throw out all negative thoughts that come to steal my peace n joy regarding Ben n my life. God knows who is best for me. God knows when it's best for me. And I WILL learn to be patient and wait. If Ben is the one, God will bring him to me. If he changes his mind then hr isn't the one.
And I will NOT think bout the worries that plague me bout Ben. I will trust in the Lord. My Daddy God loves me.
I am His Beloved! He will look after me. He leads me and guides me. I WILL sit by the STILL waters He leads me to lie down by.
Amen!
But suddenly in service I was just overcome with this sense of conference and faith!
Assurance that I have all authority over all things. Eg my tummy and the toxins in my body.
As well as my emotions and the "fluctuations". I have all authority n control over it cos Jesus is the Lord over my life. I have all authority over my life. If I don't even have authority over my life how am I goin to have authority in other areas?!
So no. It is non-negotiable. I have authority over my mind and my thoughts. I will throw out all negative thoughts that come to steal my peace n joy regarding Ben n my life. God knows who is best for me. God knows when it's best for me. And I WILL learn to be patient and wait. If Ben is the one, God will bring him to me. If he changes his mind then hr isn't the one.
And I will NOT think bout the worries that plague me bout Ben. I will trust in the Lord. My Daddy God loves me.
I am His Beloved! He will look after me. He leads me and guides me. I WILL sit by the STILL waters He leads me to lie down by.
Amen!
14 May 2011 - Words can never be enough
Words can't express how I feel or what I want to say. This fluctuating emotion doesn't help either.
There is so much I Wana ask, so much I Wana say to Ben yet I don't know how.
His interest in me is already flattering. How could it be? After all these years?
Yet how much of what he said was a joke? Was to disturb me? It would be a very cruel thing he is doing if he were joking all this while, whether for jest or just to fill his time.
He's so busy these few weeks. how do I ask him to set time aside so we can talk?
His love language is definitely not quality time. If it were he would find time for me.
I am so scared. How do I tell Ben? What do I say? I don't even know what I fear! There are a million and one thoughts!
What if he is not who I think he is? What if my attraction to him was based on the imagination that w as running wild from my previous experience with him? What if I was attracted cos we dated before and there were emotional and sexual ties that were not severed?!?! What if what if what if....
But they are all true.
What if he comes here and finds something he doesn't like? Will he regret his decision and give up?
He said lovely things. Such as he will not give up on me this time, that he will not let me go this time. All sounds great yet no action has been taken. He has not asked me to be in a relationship with him. Just calls me endearing names. Not that I do not like the sound of it. Just that I would like to be asked formally. But how do I say that to him?!?!
It kills me each time he talks about his parents- how worried he is about them. How frail and aging they are. I don't know how to respond. Cos my heart hurts so much. I can almost imagine him throwing up his hands and saying he gives up.
In fact that exactly what he said- that he will give up a good wife if he has to choose between the gal n the parents.
It's not like I want to replace the place his parents has in his heart. But I'm so afraid that that will cause the relationship not to work out.
He asked how come I can allow my parents to be in SG whilst they are so old.
Me being in SG is not going to change a thing. Life goes on. my parents will still grow old. They still can take care of themselves. When they can't I'll find a way to. But I can't be there for them 24/7. But I duno if he understands that. I doubt it.
So what do I do Daddy? What can I do?!
My heart aches yet I know not what to say. I want to be so close yet I want to be so far cos I dun Wana hurt. Is this supposed to be this way? Are relationships supposed to cause so much pain and trauma?
Help me Lord. Help me!
There is so much I Wana ask, so much I Wana say to Ben yet I don't know how.
His interest in me is already flattering. How could it be? After all these years?
Yet how much of what he said was a joke? Was to disturb me? It would be a very cruel thing he is doing if he were joking all this while, whether for jest or just to fill his time.
He's so busy these few weeks. how do I ask him to set time aside so we can talk?
His love language is definitely not quality time. If it were he would find time for me.
I am so scared. How do I tell Ben? What do I say? I don't even know what I fear! There are a million and one thoughts!
What if he is not who I think he is? What if my attraction to him was based on the imagination that w as running wild from my previous experience with him? What if I was attracted cos we dated before and there were emotional and sexual ties that were not severed?!?! What if what if what if....
But they are all true.
What if he comes here and finds something he doesn't like? Will he regret his decision and give up?
He said lovely things. Such as he will not give up on me this time, that he will not let me go this time. All sounds great yet no action has been taken. He has not asked me to be in a relationship with him. Just calls me endearing names. Not that I do not like the sound of it. Just that I would like to be asked formally. But how do I say that to him?!?!
It kills me each time he talks about his parents- how worried he is about them. How frail and aging they are. I don't know how to respond. Cos my heart hurts so much. I can almost imagine him throwing up his hands and saying he gives up.
In fact that exactly what he said- that he will give up a good wife if he has to choose between the gal n the parents.
It's not like I want to replace the place his parents has in his heart. But I'm so afraid that that will cause the relationship not to work out.
He asked how come I can allow my parents to be in SG whilst they are so old.
Me being in SG is not going to change a thing. Life goes on. my parents will still grow old. They still can take care of themselves. When they can't I'll find a way to. But I can't be there for them 24/7. But I duno if he understands that. I doubt it.
So what do I do Daddy? What can I do?!
My heart aches yet I know not what to say. I want to be so close yet I want to be so far cos I dun Wana hurt. Is this supposed to be this way? Are relationships supposed to cause so much pain and trauma?
Help me Lord. Help me!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
12 May 2011 - I stuff up again
He's not talking to me. It hurts. Why?
How did I get so emotionally attached so quickly? Odd.
I have to focus on God's words. Not my emotions.
If I really believe that he is God's plans for me, then I have to allow God to bring him to me. And not try to make it happen.
But this emotional attachment is spoiling things. Its causing issues. I cant behave properly.
Help!
I need to manage this.
God has helped me deal with my attitudes and beliefs so I am less angry.
Now its this insecurity.
I run whenever I perceive that I will be hurt.
I run when I face the unknown - like reading the stuff ben posted on his fb, I feel like I dont know him, which I guess is true to a certain extend and I panic. And I ran. That panic caused th muscles around my heart to clench. And I perceive the possibility of pain and hurt and I run.
Why? What caused this? It has to stop!
Why do I have such strong reactions to emotional pain? How can I overcome it?
God, I know You are dealing with it. That's why it has come up. So that I will not fall over it again. This I give thanks.
I dont want to lie. I dont want to hide. I just want to be me.
Daddy, I have fallen for Ben or at least the perception of him that I have. I love that persona of stability. I love that he says he wants me with him all the time. i love how he says he wants kids immediately. i love how he believes that he has the patience to deal with me.
Now is the test. To see if he is what he says. That he will not let me go. That he will not give up.
But from his messages, I think he is gone. I dont know. I dont want him to go.
But I have stuffed up again....
Daddy, please cover me... may You have mercy and may Your grace cover my mistakes.
Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for disappointing You.
Thank You for loving me. Thank You for continuing to change me and refine me.
I accept it all Lord.
Thank You.
How did I get so emotionally attached so quickly? Odd.
I have to focus on God's words. Not my emotions.
If I really believe that he is God's plans for me, then I have to allow God to bring him to me. And not try to make it happen.
But this emotional attachment is spoiling things. Its causing issues. I cant behave properly.
Help!
I need to manage this.
God has helped me deal with my attitudes and beliefs so I am less angry.
Now its this insecurity.
I run whenever I perceive that I will be hurt.
I run when I face the unknown - like reading the stuff ben posted on his fb, I feel like I dont know him, which I guess is true to a certain extend and I panic. And I ran. That panic caused th muscles around my heart to clench. And I perceive the possibility of pain and hurt and I run.
Why? What caused this? It has to stop!
Why do I have such strong reactions to emotional pain? How can I overcome it?
God, I know You are dealing with it. That's why it has come up. So that I will not fall over it again. This I give thanks.
I dont want to lie. I dont want to hide. I just want to be me.
Daddy, I have fallen for Ben or at least the perception of him that I have. I love that persona of stability. I love that he says he wants me with him all the time. i love how he says he wants kids immediately. i love how he believes that he has the patience to deal with me.
Now is the test. To see if he is what he says. That he will not let me go. That he will not give up.
But from his messages, I think he is gone. I dont know. I dont want him to go.
But I have stuffed up again....
Daddy, please cover me... may You have mercy and may Your grace cover my mistakes.
Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for disappointing You.
Thank You for loving me. Thank You for continuing to change me and refine me.
I accept it all Lord.
Thank You.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
11 May 2011 - Torn
It is Well with my soul is playing in the background, but that is not what I feel.
Once again I wonder if I am being tested, in my faith with regards to God's providence.
I get it that He gave me the apartment and that if He wanted me to go back to SG, He will provide the funds and avenues to make things work. It wont be up to me or Ben to make it happen. Ben does not have to give me a plan. God provides. I just need support from Ben and confirmation.
A part of me wants to return. And that is cos I miss my parents. I want to be able to spend time with them. But Sandra is right. Long term living with them can create friction, which the relationship could be better if we were living apart.
I dont know what I like about Ben. Is it cos I am desperate to be with someone? Is it cos of the flirtatious conversations we had? What is it?
Why do I really want to go back?
I feel so tired. So alone. There's no one here to take care of me, to share life with, to do things with.
It is a big sacrifice for me to return to SG. But is it what God wants of me? If it is, I do not wish to be disobedient.
Is Ben just a distraction for me again? To take me away from the pain that I feel from the loss of Toulia and the betrayal of the union with Melinda? Is this for real? Is Ben really serious?
I really dont know, until he pops the question. Once bitten twice shy. Toulia kept talking about getting married. Yet he walked away.
I hope I do not unconsciously push Ben away. I think I have a knack of doing that. I need to hold back and not be naive and gullible and just jump into everything. At the same time, I need to give Ben space to make the decision and to be who he is. To do what he must do as the man.
Oh Lord, help me. I am so conflicted.
Although I was almost convinced that I should return to SG cos I have no choice, now taking a few steps back, seems like all I have to do is be patient and wait.
As God's word had said in Acts 12:12-16, the prayer has been answered, but I do not believe. I do not believe the knock on the door is an answered prayer. But time shows. So I have to give it time. Time will show if Ben is the one. Time will show if Ben is to come to Aus.
At least I am at peace that if I really have to go, I will. My trust is in God, not the world.
Seems bit like the apartment, whilst the answers and providence were right in front of my eyes, I did not dare believe, did not dare see. And kept worrying and hunting around for apartments. At the end of the day, I stayed. But the hunting showed me how blessed I was and what I had.
Abba.... I will rest at Your feet!
I will wait on You.
Thank You God!
Once again I wonder if I am being tested, in my faith with regards to God's providence.
I get it that He gave me the apartment and that if He wanted me to go back to SG, He will provide the funds and avenues to make things work. It wont be up to me or Ben to make it happen. Ben does not have to give me a plan. God provides. I just need support from Ben and confirmation.
A part of me wants to return. And that is cos I miss my parents. I want to be able to spend time with them. But Sandra is right. Long term living with them can create friction, which the relationship could be better if we were living apart.
I dont know what I like about Ben. Is it cos I am desperate to be with someone? Is it cos of the flirtatious conversations we had? What is it?
Why do I really want to go back?
I feel so tired. So alone. There's no one here to take care of me, to share life with, to do things with.
It is a big sacrifice for me to return to SG. But is it what God wants of me? If it is, I do not wish to be disobedient.
Is Ben just a distraction for me again? To take me away from the pain that I feel from the loss of Toulia and the betrayal of the union with Melinda? Is this for real? Is Ben really serious?
I really dont know, until he pops the question. Once bitten twice shy. Toulia kept talking about getting married. Yet he walked away.
I hope I do not unconsciously push Ben away. I think I have a knack of doing that. I need to hold back and not be naive and gullible and just jump into everything. At the same time, I need to give Ben space to make the decision and to be who he is. To do what he must do as the man.
Oh Lord, help me. I am so conflicted.
Although I was almost convinced that I should return to SG cos I have no choice, now taking a few steps back, seems like all I have to do is be patient and wait.
As God's word had said in Acts 12:12-16, the prayer has been answered, but I do not believe. I do not believe the knock on the door is an answered prayer. But time shows. So I have to give it time. Time will show if Ben is the one. Time will show if Ben is to come to Aus.
At least I am at peace that if I really have to go, I will. My trust is in God, not the world.
Seems bit like the apartment, whilst the answers and providence were right in front of my eyes, I did not dare believe, did not dare see. And kept worrying and hunting around for apartments. At the end of the day, I stayed. But the hunting showed me how blessed I was and what I had.
Abba.... I will rest at Your feet!
I will wait on You.
Thank You God!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
5 May 2011 - Insight
Insight
I believe that God opened my eyes. Sounds like what I heard in Acts - the scales from Saul's eyes dropped and he could see again.
I believe I am called to raise leaders. What does that mean? Honestly I dont know.
It could be having children of my own who go on to become leaders.
It could be teaching in Hillsong college or another similar church.
It could just be facilitating in the evening college and discovery.
It could also be out of church - in the world. How to live right and be a leader - encouraging other christians to live the right way in the world.
I dont know. Although I am sure that in it all, God's plans are to save His people, I am also pretty sure I am NOT an evangelist. I dont think anyone has given their lives to Christ because of me. :(
But I have seen people coming back to Christ from my sharing. And I have seen people's (non-christian) lives changed in the outside world.
and it has always been in my heart to help people have a second chance.
Now it starts becoming clear(er) - the things that I have been doing.
-> Asiaworks - my vision there - second chance. Its all about allowing people to make mistakes and work towards living the life that they want.
-> AKLTG - mentoring and growing the younger generation. So that they can become great people. And in turn hopefully raise leaders too.
-> TV, Discovery, evening college, shiman's meetings - all about getting people together to make changes in their lives and live like a leader, not a follower. And well, get support for my own life too.
I believe that God opened my eyes. Sounds like what I heard in Acts - the scales from Saul's eyes dropped and he could see again.
I believe I am called to raise leaders. What does that mean? Honestly I dont know.
It could be having children of my own who go on to become leaders.
It could be teaching in Hillsong college or another similar church.
It could just be facilitating in the evening college and discovery.
It could also be out of church - in the world. How to live right and be a leader - encouraging other christians to live the right way in the world.
I dont know. Although I am sure that in it all, God's plans are to save His people, I am also pretty sure I am NOT an evangelist. I dont think anyone has given their lives to Christ because of me. :(
But I have seen people coming back to Christ from my sharing. And I have seen people's (non-christian) lives changed in the outside world.
and it has always been in my heart to help people have a second chance.
Now it starts becoming clear(er) - the things that I have been doing.
-> Asiaworks - my vision there - second chance. Its all about allowing people to make mistakes and work towards living the life that they want.
-> AKLTG - mentoring and growing the younger generation. So that they can become great people. And in turn hopefully raise leaders too.
-> TV, Discovery, evening college, shiman's meetings - all about getting people together to make changes in their lives and live like a leader, not a follower. And well, get support for my own life too.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
4 May 2011 - What I want in a man
i've decided, I definitely need the following in a man who is to be my husband.
1. Man after God's heart (like David) Regardless of what happens, he doesnt turn away from God but seeks God in everything that he faces in his life.
2. Strong man of God who is able to lead me spiritually and help me to grow and know God more.
3. Emotionally stable - is not easily affected by my mood swings.
4. Able to communicate well - thoughts and emotions.
i wont want someone who beats about the bush, giving me hints and seemingly "naturally" starting a relationship.
I want someone who is confident in himself and thus able to verbalise what he feels and his thoughts and not be afraid of having his opinions rejected or questioned. And able to tell me what he needs and wants. Dont want to play guessing games.
5. Is patient and willing to teach.
6. Is teachable.
7. Financial stable - able to provide for the family. i.e. can have a wedding any time and wont have to worry about saving for a wedding ring or honeymoon.
8. Has a good and healthy relationship with his parents. Love his family but not dependant on them - i.e. mommy's boy.
9. Physical
Tall and lean. Not fat or bulky. Probably 1.75cm.
Preferably Caucasian? This is a question mark cos I do not know if I am saying this cos I have been so badly hurt by toulia i dont want to see any resemblance.
Has abundance of hair on the head and not physically hairy.
Healthy and fit.
1. Man after God's heart (like David) Regardless of what happens, he doesnt turn away from God but seeks God in everything that he faces in his life.
2. Strong man of God who is able to lead me spiritually and help me to grow and know God more.
3. Emotionally stable - is not easily affected by my mood swings.
4. Able to communicate well - thoughts and emotions.
i wont want someone who beats about the bush, giving me hints and seemingly "naturally" starting a relationship.
I want someone who is confident in himself and thus able to verbalise what he feels and his thoughts and not be afraid of having his opinions rejected or questioned. And able to tell me what he needs and wants. Dont want to play guessing games.
5. Is patient and willing to teach.
6. Is teachable.
7. Financial stable - able to provide for the family. i.e. can have a wedding any time and wont have to worry about saving for a wedding ring or honeymoon.
8. Has a good and healthy relationship with his parents. Love his family but not dependant on them - i.e. mommy's boy.
9. Physical
Tall and lean. Not fat or bulky. Probably 1.75cm.
Preferably Caucasian? This is a question mark cos I do not know if I am saying this cos I have been so badly hurt by toulia i dont want to see any resemblance.
Has abundance of hair on the head and not physically hairy.
Healthy and fit.
4 May 2011 - Pushing on
Regardless of what I feel, at least I learnt something last night.
Allan's sharing about his breakup with Sylvia and his obedience/sensitivity to the Holy Spirit just helped me to realise how God had been speaking to Toulia. And his choice to be with Melinda I know is not from God. God released him because he had been unwilling.
I'm pretty sure of it. The coincidence in Sept during his bday and the incident in Dec were obvious. I'm sure God was speaking to him as He was to me. I know I disobeyed.
Regardless, I know God will not abandon me. He chose to walk away despite what God was saying/doing and refuse to listen or take heed. That only meant he was not sensitive to the Holy Spirit. And that is fine. If he did not want to step up, God has someone else.
As for Ben, I do not know what is going on. Not sure to ask or not. But since I strongly believe it is the guy who should do the pursuing, then I'll leave it to God to bring him to me. And if He doesnt, then its not him.
I will guard my heart and not be affected by the flowery words that he had been using.
There seems to be a change yesterday/today. I dont know why or what caused it. But he seems distant.
I do not want another man who doesnt have the courage to speak his mind and emotions to me and is afraid of rejection. Enough is enough. It can and will only cause problems. If he doesnt find his tongue to tell me that he likes me, then regardless of what he "jokes" about and his offers and his choices of words, they mean nothing.
Allan's sharing about his breakup with Sylvia and his obedience/sensitivity to the Holy Spirit just helped me to realise how God had been speaking to Toulia. And his choice to be with Melinda I know is not from God. God released him because he had been unwilling.
I'm pretty sure of it. The coincidence in Sept during his bday and the incident in Dec were obvious. I'm sure God was speaking to him as He was to me. I know I disobeyed.
Regardless, I know God will not abandon me. He chose to walk away despite what God was saying/doing and refuse to listen or take heed. That only meant he was not sensitive to the Holy Spirit. And that is fine. If he did not want to step up, God has someone else.
As for Ben, I do not know what is going on. Not sure to ask or not. But since I strongly believe it is the guy who should do the pursuing, then I'll leave it to God to bring him to me. And if He doesnt, then its not him.
I will guard my heart and not be affected by the flowery words that he had been using.
There seems to be a change yesterday/today. I dont know why or what caused it. But he seems distant.
I do not want another man who doesnt have the courage to speak his mind and emotions to me and is afraid of rejection. Enough is enough. It can and will only cause problems. If he doesnt find his tongue to tell me that he likes me, then regardless of what he "jokes" about and his offers and his choices of words, they mean nothing.
Monday, May 2, 2011
3 May 2011 - Committed to God
Daddy God,
I commit the things that are on my mind to you.
I know that You know what's best for me and You are directing my steps.
1. I still do like Ben, but do not know if this is Your will for us. In the natural, I do not see how things can work out. He is in SG and I am in Australia. He runs a family business and is doing well and I do not see why he would want to leave all of that to come to Australia.
Also, I do not know if he still likes me or is just being a dork as he says.
2. I am really liking akamedia more and more and want to make the best out of my stay here. I want to be able to do media strategy well like Melissa and Vicki. And know the TV market well like Matt.
3. Finances for trip back to Singapore end of year and trip to the States with mom and family. As well as for a car here in Australia to use on weekends and evenings.
4. Direction on my life. What I am to fullfill in my time here on earth. To fully grow and use the gifts and talents that I have been given:-
- love for music and singing
- love for languages
- ability to organise events and do it well
- thoughtfulness towards others
I commit the things that are on my mind to you.
I know that You know what's best for me and You are directing my steps.
1. I still do like Ben, but do not know if this is Your will for us. In the natural, I do not see how things can work out. He is in SG and I am in Australia. He runs a family business and is doing well and I do not see why he would want to leave all of that to come to Australia.
Also, I do not know if he still likes me or is just being a dork as he says.
2. I am really liking akamedia more and more and want to make the best out of my stay here. I want to be able to do media strategy well like Melissa and Vicki. And know the TV market well like Matt.
3. Finances for trip back to Singapore end of year and trip to the States with mom and family. As well as for a car here in Australia to use on weekends and evenings.
4. Direction on my life. What I am to fullfill in my time here on earth. To fully grow and use the gifts and talents that I have been given:-
- love for music and singing
- love for languages
- ability to organise events and do it well
- thoughtfulness towards others
Sunday, May 1, 2011
2 May 2011 - Playing with fire
I must have a problem. I am always playing with fire.
I know that ben was flirting with me. And I reciprocated, with the knowledge that nothing will come out of it.
And now i suffer the consequences.
what am i doing?
But what he said is very true - to want companionship until the day that Christ returns.
i do want a man of God who will keep me focused on God and not self or him. Who is committed to take that journey of life with trials and challenges amidst the happy times too.
till then, i really dont know what i want to do. i dont know what i am to do.
i do know that i am pulling away from the many activities at church.
i enjoy music. i wana learn my guitar.
i love languages too and i wana learn and better my korean language.
i love the Lord and His word. I love teaching it to others too. at the same time, there are so many things i want to do.
what are the things from God?
surely He wants me to enjoy my life too right?
so what should i do with my life so i can be happy?
i love working at akamedia. although more money would be better.
where am i going to get more money from?
Lord, help me please.
I know that ben was flirting with me. And I reciprocated, with the knowledge that nothing will come out of it.
And now i suffer the consequences.
what am i doing?
But what he said is very true - to want companionship until the day that Christ returns.
i do want a man of God who will keep me focused on God and not self or him. Who is committed to take that journey of life with trials and challenges amidst the happy times too.
till then, i really dont know what i want to do. i dont know what i am to do.
i do know that i am pulling away from the many activities at church.
i enjoy music. i wana learn my guitar.
i love languages too and i wana learn and better my korean language.
i love the Lord and His word. I love teaching it to others too. at the same time, there are so many things i want to do.
what are the things from God?
surely He wants me to enjoy my life too right?
so what should i do with my life so i can be happy?
i love working at akamedia. although more money would be better.
where am i going to get more money from?
Lord, help me please.
1 May 2011 - Purpose in Life
After 3 decades I am still searching for the purpose of my life.
No correction. After 3 decades, only now am I searching for the purpose of my life. I guess the unfulfilled dreams and broken promises had left a scar larger than I knew.
Its with God's grace that I have made it out. Its with God's grace that He is healing me and cleansing the wounds of the past.
What is His purpose for me? What are the dreams He has placed in my heart to fulfill?
What has God placed in my hands for me to use?
I need time. No. I need discipline. I have heaps of time. Just not the discipline to spend that time with Him.
How disappointed I am with myself. Thank goodness God is loving and forgiving. I know He still loves me. And next time, I will be stronger. By His strength I will endure. I will persevere.
No correction. After 3 decades, only now am I searching for the purpose of my life. I guess the unfulfilled dreams and broken promises had left a scar larger than I knew.
Its with God's grace that I have made it out. Its with God's grace that He is healing me and cleansing the wounds of the past.
What is His purpose for me? What are the dreams He has placed in my heart to fulfill?
What has God placed in my hands for me to use?
I need time. No. I need discipline. I have heaps of time. Just not the discipline to spend that time with Him.
How disappointed I am with myself. Thank goodness God is loving and forgiving. I know He still loves me. And next time, I will be stronger. By His strength I will endure. I will persevere.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
28 April 2011 - Deep black hole
Cant tell what is causing me to feel the way I feel.
Feel a deep black hole in the middle of my heart/tummy. Just huge sorrow/grief. Not sure why or what is causing it. Its like my entire being is caving in.
Feel like no one can help me.
Wonder why God has not intervene. What is He wanting to show me? What does He want me to know?
Question my existence again.
what is the purpose of my life?
why do i feel so sorrowful not having someone?
when i hear the word rejection, it draws a deep pain in my tummy area. why? have i been so rejected that much pain and hurt had been built up?
toulia is but another guy. why is he still causing me so much grief? he's moved on and gotten himself attached. why am i still hurting from it all? what makes this relationship so different that i still keep feeling the pain?
do i belong here in australia? i love it here, but the people here doesnt seem to want me here. or at least the devil doesnt seem to want me here. i seem to face more rejection here than i ever did back home. back home, at least i had friends to run to. family to care for. i have nothing and no one here.
my life seems to be a lie. i dont know what i am doing here. i feel so useless and worthless.
dislike feeling like i'm suffering, like i'm a loser. see my parents struggling and there's nothing i can do or help. feel like shit.
God says He is in charge. My family has not done anything wrong, yet He has allowed such suffering to befall on us. What fairness is there? I really cant get a hang of it. I dont know how to respond. I dont know how to react. I dont know what to do.
Feel a deep black hole in the middle of my heart/tummy. Just huge sorrow/grief. Not sure why or what is causing it. Its like my entire being is caving in.
Feel like no one can help me.
Wonder why God has not intervene. What is He wanting to show me? What does He want me to know?
Question my existence again.
what is the purpose of my life?
why do i feel so sorrowful not having someone?
when i hear the word rejection, it draws a deep pain in my tummy area. why? have i been so rejected that much pain and hurt had been built up?
toulia is but another guy. why is he still causing me so much grief? he's moved on and gotten himself attached. why am i still hurting from it all? what makes this relationship so different that i still keep feeling the pain?
do i belong here in australia? i love it here, but the people here doesnt seem to want me here. or at least the devil doesnt seem to want me here. i seem to face more rejection here than i ever did back home. back home, at least i had friends to run to. family to care for. i have nothing and no one here.
my life seems to be a lie. i dont know what i am doing here. i feel so useless and worthless.
dislike feeling like i'm suffering, like i'm a loser. see my parents struggling and there's nothing i can do or help. feel like shit.
God says He is in charge. My family has not done anything wrong, yet He has allowed such suffering to befall on us. What fairness is there? I really cant get a hang of it. I dont know how to respond. I dont know how to react. I dont know what to do.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
14 April 2011 - Sad and disappointed
I am sad and disappointed that when something goes wrong, the finger points.
I know I should not use the ticket after reporting its loss. However, since it worked, I thought I would benefit whoever. And Minah would normally be the beneficiary. She was aware of the situation and would have gladly used it until it ran out of its shelf life.
But I chose to give it to Vonny cos "compassion" set in at that time. And it is really sad that when caught up in the issue, she gets upset and accuses me of not having good intentions.
She had benefited for a few weeks from using the ticket. How could she question that I was not sincere in giving her the ticket?
lol
God has a sense of humour.
Vonny was one of the girls whom I thought that I could rely on. Cos she had encouraged me and accepted me for who I was. but once again, God is good, showing me that people are temporal. They are not stable and reliable and that He is the only reliable one.
Andrew is another such person. Seemingly encouraging to start with, one would think that he is a great man of God. But he is only human. He strives to be perfect. But because of his pride, his brokenness is alarmingly apparent.
I am disappointed that Vonny questioned my intentions.
I can understand that she is upset and has been embarrassed, least to say late for work. However that did not call for a need to accuse me of something I didnt do.
I regret giving her the train ticket. It would have saved Minah alot of travelling time and given her more convenience. And when the life span runs out, she would have just let it be.
This incident has shown me how much more Minah has been to me than anyone else.
Thank you God for opening my eyes.
Thank You God for dealing with my weakness and sifting through the friends I have chosen, so that only the ones that You intended for my life stays.
I know I should not use the ticket after reporting its loss. However, since it worked, I thought I would benefit whoever. And Minah would normally be the beneficiary. She was aware of the situation and would have gladly used it until it ran out of its shelf life.
But I chose to give it to Vonny cos "compassion" set in at that time. And it is really sad that when caught up in the issue, she gets upset and accuses me of not having good intentions.
She had benefited for a few weeks from using the ticket. How could she question that I was not sincere in giving her the ticket?
lol
God has a sense of humour.
Vonny was one of the girls whom I thought that I could rely on. Cos she had encouraged me and accepted me for who I was. but once again, God is good, showing me that people are temporal. They are not stable and reliable and that He is the only reliable one.
Andrew is another such person. Seemingly encouraging to start with, one would think that he is a great man of God. But he is only human. He strives to be perfect. But because of his pride, his brokenness is alarmingly apparent.
I am disappointed that Vonny questioned my intentions.
I can understand that she is upset and has been embarrassed, least to say late for work. However that did not call for a need to accuse me of something I didnt do.
I regret giving her the train ticket. It would have saved Minah alot of travelling time and given her more convenience. And when the life span runs out, she would have just let it be.
This incident has shown me how much more Minah has been to me than anyone else.
Thank you God for opening my eyes.
Thank You God for dealing with my weakness and sifting through the friends I have chosen, so that only the ones that You intended for my life stays.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
13 April 2011 - Be the best
I still do not know what God has planned for me.
But I do know that He has placed me in the media industry. And I want to be the BEST.
I want to make an impact. And I am glad that He has placed me in akamedia. I am learning alot and I have no need to compromise my integrity.
I also know that my love for music is being stirred up. I do not know where it is going to take me, but I do know that I want to be able to play the guitar well by the end of the year.
God has given me the gift of a beautiful voice too. And I want to be able to take the 2 gifts and use it together for the good of God.
I do not know where it can be used at yet. But God will show me. I must first take the first step and practice the guitar and be willing and bold to sing with my voice, not getting afraid of who else is singing or whether they sound better. (e.g. stephanie)
Once a week, I will play my guitar.
Once a week I will focus on finding out and bringing myself closer to being the BEST in the industry.
I will live my life the way God has set me up to:-
1. Nothing foul is to come out of my mouth
2. Whatever that comes out of my mouth is to glorify and edify God and build people up
3. No more talk about Toulia or Melinda
4. Go back to TV team to serve
5. Continue serving in Discovery
6. Serve in bible college if I am asked
I will have a car before the end of the year!
I will take a short holiday before the end of the year.
And I will take a MAJOR holiday by the end of 2012!
Destination USA - if God wills. Otherwise, I am willing to be led.
But I do know that He has placed me in the media industry. And I want to be the BEST.
I want to make an impact. And I am glad that He has placed me in akamedia. I am learning alot and I have no need to compromise my integrity.
I also know that my love for music is being stirred up. I do not know where it is going to take me, but I do know that I want to be able to play the guitar well by the end of the year.
God has given me the gift of a beautiful voice too. And I want to be able to take the 2 gifts and use it together for the good of God.
I do not know where it can be used at yet. But God will show me. I must first take the first step and practice the guitar and be willing and bold to sing with my voice, not getting afraid of who else is singing or whether they sound better. (e.g. stephanie)
Once a week, I will play my guitar.
Once a week I will focus on finding out and bringing myself closer to being the BEST in the industry.
I will live my life the way God has set me up to:-
1. Nothing foul is to come out of my mouth
2. Whatever that comes out of my mouth is to glorify and edify God and build people up
3. No more talk about Toulia or Melinda
4. Go back to TV team to serve
5. Continue serving in Discovery
6. Serve in bible college if I am asked
I will have a car before the end of the year!
I will take a short holiday before the end of the year.
And I will take a MAJOR holiday by the end of 2012!
Destination USA - if God wills. Otherwise, I am willing to be led.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
6 april 2011 - thoughts
Was just thinking... if I choose to go ahead and find a man of my own, I can definitely snare someone. But that's not what God has for me.
also, I was thinking back on how I have been with the men and know that I have always tested them. i never trusted them. I never thought that they would stay cos I never thought that I was precious enough for them to want to stay.
oh how my heart cries out.
oh how my heart hurts.
Why and how did I end up thinking that way about myself?!
am I that worthless? No!
that's not what God says.
God gave up Jesus Christ to die for me! I must be worth something!
thought to myself that I could put on my best behaviour and be merciful and all and suddenly realised that that was not how i was with any of my other ex. I never had mercy with anyone. I was always upset with everyone.
why Daddy? why?
that's not the life that I want. That's not the life that you promised.
i want to be on my best behaviour cos that's me.
I am afraid. what toulia did to me still hurts. I know i must have pushed his buttons cos of my distrust of men. but i never expected the ending that we had.
suddenly the thought comes - my trust is not in men but in God who provides. So i dont have to test anyone to know if they will stay or not. God will deal with all of that. And if those people dont stay, then God had allowed it to happen cos He has something better for me. so i will not test again. i will have compassion. i will love, even my enemies.
i asked God for a revelation. God gave me two.
Praise God.
also, I was thinking back on how I have been with the men and know that I have always tested them. i never trusted them. I never thought that they would stay cos I never thought that I was precious enough for them to want to stay.
oh how my heart cries out.
oh how my heart hurts.
Why and how did I end up thinking that way about myself?!
am I that worthless? No!
that's not what God says.
God gave up Jesus Christ to die for me! I must be worth something!
thought to myself that I could put on my best behaviour and be merciful and all and suddenly realised that that was not how i was with any of my other ex. I never had mercy with anyone. I was always upset with everyone.
why Daddy? why?
that's not the life that I want. That's not the life that you promised.
i want to be on my best behaviour cos that's me.
I am afraid. what toulia did to me still hurts. I know i must have pushed his buttons cos of my distrust of men. but i never expected the ending that we had.
suddenly the thought comes - my trust is not in men but in God who provides. So i dont have to test anyone to know if they will stay or not. God will deal with all of that. And if those people dont stay, then God had allowed it to happen cos He has something better for me. so i will not test again. i will have compassion. i will love, even my enemies.
i asked God for a revelation. God gave me two.
Praise God.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
6 April 2011 - Single or married?
I still have not answered the question single or married.
But I do know that I have an issue being single.
Why God? Why?
Why do I feel so imperfect just because I am single?
Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am single and many of my friends younger than I have already been attached and with families, not to speak about my friends who are of my age.
I do not like feeling this way. I feel miserable.
How can I be reigning in life if I feel so miserable?!
This is not the life that Jesus came to suffer and die for me.
So why Daddy?!
Why do I feel this way?
Can You get rid of it please?
I dont know what I have done, or believed or promised to myself to end up feeling this way, but I dont want it.
I am sorry for making choices that have caused me to sin. And I know that only You can take it away, so please Daddy, please take this away! This is not for me. It is not mine.
Help! :(
Daddy, help me to be at peace with being single!
You have declared that there is nothing wrong with me. I have been made perfect and righteous in Christ Jesus. I am precious, regardless of whether I am attached or single. I am beautiful regardless of how fat or thin I am.
So help me have that revelation Lord!
Jesus, you are Lord over my life. So I give this to you.
I give this feeling of inadequacy to you Daddy!
I am complete and whole. I do not need anyone to make me whole.
Jesus You made me whole!
But I do know that I have an issue being single.
Why God? Why?
Why do I feel so imperfect just because I am single?
Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am single and many of my friends younger than I have already been attached and with families, not to speak about my friends who are of my age.
I do not like feeling this way. I feel miserable.
How can I be reigning in life if I feel so miserable?!
This is not the life that Jesus came to suffer and die for me.
So why Daddy?!
Why do I feel this way?
Can You get rid of it please?
I dont know what I have done, or believed or promised to myself to end up feeling this way, but I dont want it.
I am sorry for making choices that have caused me to sin. And I know that only You can take it away, so please Daddy, please take this away! This is not for me. It is not mine.
Help! :(
Daddy, help me to be at peace with being single!
You have declared that there is nothing wrong with me. I have been made perfect and righteous in Christ Jesus. I am precious, regardless of whether I am attached or single. I am beautiful regardless of how fat or thin I am.
So help me have that revelation Lord!
Jesus, you are Lord over my life. So I give this to you.
I give this feeling of inadequacy to you Daddy!
I am complete and whole. I do not need anyone to make me whole.
Jesus You made me whole!
Monday, April 4, 2011
4 April 2011 - Singapore government
I cannot remember why and how I had accumulated bitterness towards the Singaporean government. Something must have happened to cause me to dislike them so much. Started with hate but through the years, i have let it go.
However in conversation with mom today showed me that I still harboured feelings of resentment and bitterness toward them.
Perhaps they did something toward me that I had felt was unfair or unjust. However I believe that God spoke to me through the Holy Spirit to forgive the singapore gvt for whatever they might have done to have caused me the grief and to let go of the resentment and bitterness. And to bless them and thank them for who they created me to be.
As much as I can see the flaws of my being, I need to see the goodness that has come out of me. I guess I dont see the "value" as much as I should.
Praise God that He left me the Holy Spirit and He is leading and guiding me to see things that I never saw before and to convict me of things that I wasnt aware of.
God is good.
However in conversation with mom today showed me that I still harboured feelings of resentment and bitterness toward them.
Perhaps they did something toward me that I had felt was unfair or unjust. However I believe that God spoke to me through the Holy Spirit to forgive the singapore gvt for whatever they might have done to have caused me the grief and to let go of the resentment and bitterness. And to bless them and thank them for who they created me to be.
As much as I can see the flaws of my being, I need to see the goodness that has come out of me. I guess I dont see the "value" as much as I should.
Praise God that He left me the Holy Spirit and He is leading and guiding me to see things that I never saw before and to convict me of things that I wasnt aware of.
God is good.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
1 April 2011 - What's Normalcy?
As I ask all the questions I did to Sandra, I wonder what being normal meant?
I have been in and out of relationships since I was 14. It was kinda part of me. Part of my life. Part of what life meant. It didnt matter that my relationships were short. Most of the ones I was in when I was younger, I left the guy. And it didnt matter. Or so I thought.
The more damaging relationships seem to be the ones when I was older, after I got sexually active. That's when the damage started. Or so I think. I dont know anymore.
I dont know when it start but, I do know that when someone leaves me, I have the belief that I did something wrong. I never considered the fact that people make choices and sometimes not all choices are well-made and hurt others. I always believed that I would be able to "control" a person's choice and when they did not choose the choice that I wanted, which was me, or rather to be with me, I got upset.
I felt that I wasnt good enough. that's why people chose not to be with me.
Perhaps there's also another believe that hurts me. which is that people should only get into a relationship if they are ready to commit. And of cos that's not always the case. Most of the time, we are lonely and feel that we should have someone.
As much as being attached was normalcy to me, I need to learn to be single and independent. And not desire so desparately to be with someone. And that if I was not with anyone, it was OK.
I dont know how I am going to do this, but I know that it has to be done.
Oh Lord help me!
And as I thought about my situation, I realised that Melinda was probably facing the same thing. She might never realise it as it might never have been her path to know. But whatever it is, God has shown me that she is just as broken as I am. And so is Toulia. He too probably never knew what it was like to be "normal" and not constantly need someone. I'm sure the both of them felt a strong need to have someone. Well, if they are a match, then good for them. It is not God's plan for me. No matter how hard I fight, it's never gona happen. So better not to fight but to surrender.
Oh Holy Spirit help me!!!
I have been in and out of relationships since I was 14. It was kinda part of me. Part of my life. Part of what life meant. It didnt matter that my relationships were short. Most of the ones I was in when I was younger, I left the guy. And it didnt matter. Or so I thought.
The more damaging relationships seem to be the ones when I was older, after I got sexually active. That's when the damage started. Or so I think. I dont know anymore.
I dont know when it start but, I do know that when someone leaves me, I have the belief that I did something wrong. I never considered the fact that people make choices and sometimes not all choices are well-made and hurt others. I always believed that I would be able to "control" a person's choice and when they did not choose the choice that I wanted, which was me, or rather to be with me, I got upset.
I felt that I wasnt good enough. that's why people chose not to be with me.
Perhaps there's also another believe that hurts me. which is that people should only get into a relationship if they are ready to commit. And of cos that's not always the case. Most of the time, we are lonely and feel that we should have someone.
As much as being attached was normalcy to me, I need to learn to be single and independent. And not desire so desparately to be with someone. And that if I was not with anyone, it was OK.
I dont know how I am going to do this, but I know that it has to be done.
Oh Lord help me!
And as I thought about my situation, I realised that Melinda was probably facing the same thing. She might never realise it as it might never have been her path to know. But whatever it is, God has shown me that she is just as broken as I am. And so is Toulia. He too probably never knew what it was like to be "normal" and not constantly need someone. I'm sure the both of them felt a strong need to have someone. Well, if they are a match, then good for them. It is not God's plan for me. No matter how hard I fight, it's never gona happen. So better not to fight but to surrender.
Oh Holy Spirit help me!!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
31 March 2011 - I am not who others say I am or whom I'm with
After all the questions I asked today, the point still came down to my self-worth.
I had issues with not being attached, not having a family, like the rest of my friends.
And God's words comes to mind - to NOT look to the world's standards but His.
And He says that I am righteous, I am perfect, He is happy with me just the way I am, regardless of whether I am attached or not.
Sandra pointed out that perhaps I have always been attached. And it is rather interesting. I look back and realised that I have almost always been attached - since 14. Since Joel! I have never quite NOT had a bf or someone. Even during the 3 years after I broke up with Zak, I ended up with Rayner and Tricia and all the sorts, so it was not a full 3 year being alone!
I think this is the longest time I am alone! And I am still questioning alot of things.
The world tells me heaps!
If I am not with someone by a certain age, no family by a certain age, something is wrong with me. But God says I am perfect!
He knows when it is best to bless me with a relationship, with a family of my own.
I am trying to depend on having someone to lighten my burdens - financially, emotionally, everything!
But that's not God's plans for me. He wants me to lean into Him, rely on Him!
Wow... this is not easy, but this is definitely doable!
I just have to stop judging myself based on what I have, whom I have and what I do. My value is based on who Jesus is, and what He did and what God has done!
May the Holy Spirit constantly remind me of it!!!
I had issues with not being attached, not having a family, like the rest of my friends.
And God's words comes to mind - to NOT look to the world's standards but His.
And He says that I am righteous, I am perfect, He is happy with me just the way I am, regardless of whether I am attached or not.
Sandra pointed out that perhaps I have always been attached. And it is rather interesting. I look back and realised that I have almost always been attached - since 14. Since Joel! I have never quite NOT had a bf or someone. Even during the 3 years after I broke up with Zak, I ended up with Rayner and Tricia and all the sorts, so it was not a full 3 year being alone!
I think this is the longest time I am alone! And I am still questioning alot of things.
The world tells me heaps!
If I am not with someone by a certain age, no family by a certain age, something is wrong with me. But God says I am perfect!
He knows when it is best to bless me with a relationship, with a family of my own.
I am trying to depend on having someone to lighten my burdens - financially, emotionally, everything!
But that's not God's plans for me. He wants me to lean into Him, rely on Him!
Wow... this is not easy, but this is definitely doable!
I just have to stop judging myself based on what I have, whom I have and what I do. My value is based on who Jesus is, and what He did and what God has done!
May the Holy Spirit constantly remind me of it!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
23 March 2011 - Alone
Lately I feel so alone. And feel that that is just what life is about. Alone.
I have been there for many. Yet I dont feel that many have been there for me when I needed them. Perhaps cos I have been there for many so they think that I am strong and I dont need anyone.
I am not. I have just learnt to cope cos I have been greatly disappointed by many before. Many have broken their promises to me. And I have learnt that promises are not made to be kept but broken.
Just like T.
I have been there for many. Yet I dont feel that many have been there for me when I needed them. Perhaps cos I have been there for many so they think that I am strong and I dont need anyone.
I am not. I have just learnt to cope cos I have been greatly disappointed by many before. Many have broken their promises to me. And I have learnt that promises are not made to be kept but broken.
Just like T.
23 March 2011 - all had been well. all will be well
I must be going through tests.
First I see him at Color. A place where he would be least expected to turn up at.
then whilst searching for rachel's email, i find 2 of his emails. they were so sweet. so kind.
and that was just in sept and nov.
how did things change so drastically? april he was still singing praises of me.
its just a matter of 2 - 3 weeks.
and now he's going out with someone he thought the total opposite of.
when i said i need more grace, he said it was either i had it or i didnt. and i had it. and now he's just ..... gone.
i'm trying so hard to move on, to get over this. but i am constantly reminded of him.
this life really feels so empty. so painful.
dont want anymore deals.
dont wana stay here anymore.
just wana go home.
First I see him at Color. A place where he would be least expected to turn up at.
then whilst searching for rachel's email, i find 2 of his emails. they were so sweet. so kind.
and that was just in sept and nov.
how did things change so drastically? april he was still singing praises of me.
its just a matter of 2 - 3 weeks.
and now he's going out with someone he thought the total opposite of.
when i said i need more grace, he said it was either i had it or i didnt. and i had it. and now he's just ..... gone.
i'm trying so hard to move on, to get over this. but i am constantly reminded of him.
this life really feels so empty. so painful.
dont want anymore deals.
dont wana stay here anymore.
just wana go home.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
11 March 2011 - I am so WOWed!
Couldnt stop crying today on the train.
There were some thoughts that came to my mind. I'm not sure if it was the Holy Spirit speaking with me. I reckon it was.
He said:-
- My life has been different from the rest of my friends, cos I am unique and have been called to Him. To do His work.
Cos I was just thinking how come none of my friends have the revelations and knowledge that I had. They were simple women who are but mothers and wife now. They dont seem to face the issues that I face, be it money, personal or relational. To me, they've had it easy. They believe in God and pray to Him and obviously do hear from Him. But I wont dare say that they hear from Him in the same intensity.
=> That struck a chord with me, cos I felt chosen, picked. And there was just overwhelming love. It was not sadness that drove me to tears but sheer joy. Indescribable joy.
I had a vision:-
- I was having a discussion with friends and I stood out amongst them cos the things I were saying were more radical that they could accept.
Not everyone seems to understand and have that revelation of what I have seen/understood. They "get it" yet I can see that they dont! And I am sad! Sad cos there is no one else to share in my joy! I feel so alone. Sad cos I have experienced the beauty of it all, His beauty, His wonder! And I so wish those close to me, all whom I know, to experience it, yet I dont know how to cause it to happen! :(
=> I was called. May not be a ministry like Joyce Meyer or Christine Cain or any of the pastors. But the way I lived my life. The way I carried my beliefs, THAT would have a huge impact on the people around me.
I was made different. I dare to speak up and speak my mind and stand unfaltering even when challenged. I can see that that strength came form God. So that He can call me to do the work that He has.
My salvation was just part of His great plans.
My favour and blessing is just a bonus from being called to do His work.
My suffering is to grow me, so I can have a revelation. He who is forgiven much loves much.
I dont know about forgiven much. But I know I have been loved much! I just feel so underserved, yet He has made me more than what I thought I was. And I know that there is so much more!
I dont know if the rest of my friends in bible college had the same revelation. I sure hope they did. But I know not everyone who attends bible college is called to do His work.
I struggle with the material of the world - to provide for myself. But I need to trust in God that He will provide for me. So no more worries. When it comes, just cast it on Him!
Even if He doesnt change my immediate circumstances, He will provide. He will bring me through the situation and I will come out of it stronger, closer to Him, and cleaner.
hmmm why did that word come to mind? Cleaner...
well, I am being purified in the flames of God isnt it? He is cleansing me of all the impurities that was built up in this world isnt it?
God is amazing.
I love Him, cos He first love me.
Suddenly I have a glimpse of this truth. I never got it before, but now, slowly, I see a glimpse of the magnificence of it.
Praise God!
Amen!
There were some thoughts that came to my mind. I'm not sure if it was the Holy Spirit speaking with me. I reckon it was.
He said:-
- My life has been different from the rest of my friends, cos I am unique and have been called to Him. To do His work.
Cos I was just thinking how come none of my friends have the revelations and knowledge that I had. They were simple women who are but mothers and wife now. They dont seem to face the issues that I face, be it money, personal or relational. To me, they've had it easy. They believe in God and pray to Him and obviously do hear from Him. But I wont dare say that they hear from Him in the same intensity.
=> That struck a chord with me, cos I felt chosen, picked. And there was just overwhelming love. It was not sadness that drove me to tears but sheer joy. Indescribable joy.
I had a vision:-
- I was having a discussion with friends and I stood out amongst them cos the things I were saying were more radical that they could accept.
Not everyone seems to understand and have that revelation of what I have seen/understood. They "get it" yet I can see that they dont! And I am sad! Sad cos there is no one else to share in my joy! I feel so alone. Sad cos I have experienced the beauty of it all, His beauty, His wonder! And I so wish those close to me, all whom I know, to experience it, yet I dont know how to cause it to happen! :(
=> I was called. May not be a ministry like Joyce Meyer or Christine Cain or any of the pastors. But the way I lived my life. The way I carried my beliefs, THAT would have a huge impact on the people around me.
I was made different. I dare to speak up and speak my mind and stand unfaltering even when challenged. I can see that that strength came form God. So that He can call me to do the work that He has.
My salvation was just part of His great plans.
My favour and blessing is just a bonus from being called to do His work.
My suffering is to grow me, so I can have a revelation. He who is forgiven much loves much.
I dont know about forgiven much. But I know I have been loved much! I just feel so underserved, yet He has made me more than what I thought I was. And I know that there is so much more!
I dont know if the rest of my friends in bible college had the same revelation. I sure hope they did. But I know not everyone who attends bible college is called to do His work.
I struggle with the material of the world - to provide for myself. But I need to trust in God that He will provide for me. So no more worries. When it comes, just cast it on Him!
Even if He doesnt change my immediate circumstances, He will provide. He will bring me through the situation and I will come out of it stronger, closer to Him, and cleaner.
hmmm why did that word come to mind? Cleaner...
well, I am being purified in the flames of God isnt it? He is cleansing me of all the impurities that was built up in this world isnt it?
God is amazing.
I love Him, cos He first love me.
Suddenly I have a glimpse of this truth. I never got it before, but now, slowly, I see a glimpse of the magnificence of it.
Praise God!
Amen!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
7 March 2011 - Help
For some reason, I am really angry today. I am feeling miserable. And I hate it!
I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to live in the PEACE that Christ had left for me!
So what's the problem?
I feel like a looser.
I feel useless.
I feel unwanted.
I feel hopeless!
I feel betrayed!
And I've been down this path before!
its stupid!
the gal was the one who recognised that he was not good enough for me, yet she's now gone after him!
and me recognising that he had issues and was unable to give me what i deserved, she's actually picking up after me!
coveteousness is a sin!
and she's taking what i "didnt want".
And of cos the devil is going to come along and tell me that i'm the looser. cos i am the one who is not attached. but with all the issues that he has which he refuses to deal with, that's not good for me!
yes i love him, problems and all. but that does not mean that i should settle for less! he needs to be willing to work out his issues!
and the devil is very clever to let me know how i have been unvalued just cos he has chosen to date someone else. well, he still has not looked at his issues! so if someone is willing to settle for less, then so be it.
i am not!
not cos i have high standards and all, but i really do deserve more!
i want stability!
i want to be loved!
i want a normal family, not a dysfunctional one like the one he has. i already have one. i dont need 2 or worse - 3!
i want a stable guy. with good relations with his parents and siblings. not anger and hatred or bitterness. and be able to see that when he is annoyed and irritated, there is an issue there and it is not his parents or siblings but him.
presumptuous attitude!
geesh... wasted half the day cos of the devil. bugger...
at least i have the rest of the day to enjoy!
I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to live in the PEACE that Christ had left for me!
So what's the problem?
I feel like a looser.
I feel useless.
I feel unwanted.
I feel hopeless!
I feel betrayed!
And I've been down this path before!
its stupid!
the gal was the one who recognised that he was not good enough for me, yet she's now gone after him!
and me recognising that he had issues and was unable to give me what i deserved, she's actually picking up after me!
coveteousness is a sin!
and she's taking what i "didnt want".
And of cos the devil is going to come along and tell me that i'm the looser. cos i am the one who is not attached. but with all the issues that he has which he refuses to deal with, that's not good for me!
yes i love him, problems and all. but that does not mean that i should settle for less! he needs to be willing to work out his issues!
and the devil is very clever to let me know how i have been unvalued just cos he has chosen to date someone else. well, he still has not looked at his issues! so if someone is willing to settle for less, then so be it.
i am not!
not cos i have high standards and all, but i really do deserve more!
i want stability!
i want to be loved!
i want a normal family, not a dysfunctional one like the one he has. i already have one. i dont need 2 or worse - 3!
i want a stable guy. with good relations with his parents and siblings. not anger and hatred or bitterness. and be able to see that when he is annoyed and irritated, there is an issue there and it is not his parents or siblings but him.
presumptuous attitude!
geesh... wasted half the day cos of the devil. bugger...
at least i have the rest of the day to enjoy!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
6 March 2011 - Longing
I feel like this journey is so alone. I wish I could have someone with me but I feel that they would never understand. I've shared with many but they r so far from knowing what I'm Goin through n what God is speaking to me about.
I duno how to do this.
And as Jo talked bout connect group leaders and how they should be like, my heart was tearing apart. I felt so hopeless. I feel so disconnected tho I am surrounded by people. :(
I hope that I'll do what God wants me to do- in His ministry n as a Cg leader when He places me up there.
Right now I really yearn to learn from "the best". Not that others are not good enough. Just that we are all on a journey and some have made it further and know bit more. I want to know more too!
I want to do the right thing. I want to do what God has for me. I wana walk in His will and not my own!
I'm really thankful for the time Emily spent with me. It just made such a difference listening to what she had to share. I don't often connect with her and don't expect that she takes me as her best friend but I'm really thankful for the friendship when she does have that time of day for me. Really think it's a God thing.
Daddy, give me the strength. No. Give me the revelation of Your love for me, and a deeper revelation of what it means to be Your child. Teach me hoe to use the gifts and talents You have given me to serve You better! Help me to live for You. Give me a revelation of what that means and what I am prayin for.
Reveal Yourself to me God.
I really want to know You at a deeper level. Prepare me for it and unveil my eyes! Let me see Your ways. Let me see Your will. Let me see You!
Thank You for Jesus and His finished works.
Amen!
P/s: Emily interpreted my dream as God asking me to stop and just wait. This would be in line with what God had been saying- Be still.
I'm not sure but I'll let God speak to me Nd into my life.
I duno how to do this.
And as Jo talked bout connect group leaders and how they should be like, my heart was tearing apart. I felt so hopeless. I feel so disconnected tho I am surrounded by people. :(
I hope that I'll do what God wants me to do- in His ministry n as a Cg leader when He places me up there.
Right now I really yearn to learn from "the best". Not that others are not good enough. Just that we are all on a journey and some have made it further and know bit more. I want to know more too!
I want to do the right thing. I want to do what God has for me. I wana walk in His will and not my own!
I'm really thankful for the time Emily spent with me. It just made such a difference listening to what she had to share. I don't often connect with her and don't expect that she takes me as her best friend but I'm really thankful for the friendship when she does have that time of day for me. Really think it's a God thing.
Daddy, give me the strength. No. Give me the revelation of Your love for me, and a deeper revelation of what it means to be Your child. Teach me hoe to use the gifts and talents You have given me to serve You better! Help me to live for You. Give me a revelation of what that means and what I am prayin for.
Reveal Yourself to me God.
I really want to know You at a deeper level. Prepare me for it and unveil my eyes! Let me see Your ways. Let me see Your will. Let me see You!
Thank You for Jesus and His finished works.
Amen!
P/s: Emily interpreted my dream as God asking me to stop and just wait. This would be in line with what God had been saying- Be still.
I'm not sure but I'll let God speak to me Nd into my life.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
4 March 2011 - I stuffed up
After days of "not dealing" with the situation, cos its "none of my business", finally, I've come face to face with the fact that I had messed up. I stuffed up. And now he is gone.
The blame is no longer on him, on the choices he made. Regardless of the choices he made, I loved him. Yes he was selfish. Yes he is immature. And no, I dont want a man who will walk out on me cos he cant persevere and want the quick way out. But the fact is I loved this guy and I guess still do.
Little memories start creeping in. I was able to shove them aside for awhile. But now I'm just too tired. I am upset. And I really miss him. And I really wished that I was the one who would be able to be at events with him rather than her. Bear Grills. Its one of his favourite programs.
I have no one else to blame. I have stuffed up. And I can only rely on God's grace and forgiveness. To provide another for me. To craddle me in His arms and tell me everything will be ok. To heal my broken heart and my brokenness.
I really wish he would come back.
*cries*
The blame is no longer on him, on the choices he made. Regardless of the choices he made, I loved him. Yes he was selfish. Yes he is immature. And no, I dont want a man who will walk out on me cos he cant persevere and want the quick way out. But the fact is I loved this guy and I guess still do.
Little memories start creeping in. I was able to shove them aside for awhile. But now I'm just too tired. I am upset. And I really miss him. And I really wished that I was the one who would be able to be at events with him rather than her. Bear Grills. Its one of his favourite programs.
I have no one else to blame. I have stuffed up. And I can only rely on God's grace and forgiveness. To provide another for me. To craddle me in His arms and tell me everything will be ok. To heal my broken heart and my brokenness.
I really wish he would come back.
*cries*
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
2 March 2011 - Being used
I think I was used by God today to minister to my friend. I'm not sure.
I dont feel any sense of power and hope that I have not done things according to my own insight and wisdom.
I pray that God gives her the wisdom to discern what has been said.
I will do what is right and let God do the rest.
I didnt feel any "special" power/feeling when speaking to her.
I just hope that she has a deeper revelation of God.
I think it is easy to speak to people about God and Jesus.
But it is difficult to have them trust God's character, especially in the midst of a trial.
I went through that myself too. And who am I?
I still struggle - with God's goodness. With who I am.
What makes me think that i can change others?!
I will just be obedient cos that's what God would want me to. :)
I dont feel any sense of power and hope that I have not done things according to my own insight and wisdom.
I pray that God gives her the wisdom to discern what has been said.
I will do what is right and let God do the rest.
I didnt feel any "special" power/feeling when speaking to her.
I just hope that she has a deeper revelation of God.
I think it is easy to speak to people about God and Jesus.
But it is difficult to have them trust God's character, especially in the midst of a trial.
I went through that myself too. And who am I?
I still struggle - with God's goodness. With who I am.
What makes me think that i can change others?!
I will just be obedient cos that's what God would want me to. :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
1 March 2011 - Obedience
It is no easy task and now i understand what I was experiencing physically.
The bible says that our flesh wars against the spirit. The 2 cannot co-exist. And as I heed the voice of the spirit, my flesh rebels.
Joyce Meyer's example in her sermon God is my peace really helped.
She shows how the body, the soul and spirit all co-exist in our one body.
And how the body will speak whatever that the soul says. And we've gota get through all that clutter to get to the spirit.
I will fight to let the Spirit reign. I striver to crucify my flesh - the body and the soul. They can throw whatever tantrums that they want, but I will follow the spirit. I will follow God's words!
And I will not let the devil tempt me and trick me into thinking I am any less because I have not been successful. It is years of undoing! And my muscles will get stronger.
But I live not to please men, but to please God! And God knows my heart!
I refuse to give in to jealousy. I will rejoice with Melinda if Toulia is what she's been looking for! I will rejoice with my sister!
And if it God's will, they will marry. It has nothing to do with me.
I will not listen to the devil, that it is numbing my emotions.
This is CONTROLLING my emotions!
I will reign!
I will overcome!
I HAVE AUTHORITY!
Jesus has already established His authority. And He has given it to me!
Amen!
The bible says that our flesh wars against the spirit. The 2 cannot co-exist. And as I heed the voice of the spirit, my flesh rebels.
Joyce Meyer's example in her sermon God is my peace really helped.
She shows how the body, the soul and spirit all co-exist in our one body.
And how the body will speak whatever that the soul says. And we've gota get through all that clutter to get to the spirit.
I will fight to let the Spirit reign. I striver to crucify my flesh - the body and the soul. They can throw whatever tantrums that they want, but I will follow the spirit. I will follow God's words!
And I will not let the devil tempt me and trick me into thinking I am any less because I have not been successful. It is years of undoing! And my muscles will get stronger.
But I live not to please men, but to please God! And God knows my heart!
I refuse to give in to jealousy. I will rejoice with Melinda if Toulia is what she's been looking for! I will rejoice with my sister!
And if it God's will, they will marry. It has nothing to do with me.
I will not listen to the devil, that it is numbing my emotions.
This is CONTROLLING my emotions!
I will reign!
I will overcome!
I HAVE AUTHORITY!
Jesus has already established His authority. And He has given it to me!
Amen!
1 March 2011 - No one can thwart God's plans!
God knows His plans for me!
No one, not man, not the devil, not even my foolishness and mistakes can thwart the plans that He has for me.
God is the creator and He is in control of ALL creation!
Jer 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(Amplified)
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
(NCV)
I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.
(NKJ)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
(Message)
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
God KNOWS what He is doing. He is in FULL control!
He has plans for me.
Plans of peace, good plans, plans to take care of me, plans for my welfare, plans for my future, plans to give me hope in my final outcome.
Job 5:12 (NIV)
He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success.
Psalm 20:4 (NIV)
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
Psalm 33:10-11 (NIV)
The LORD foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalm 94:11 (NIV)
The LORD knows all human plans; he knows that they are futile.
Prov 19:21 (NIV)
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Prov 16:3 (NIV)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
No one, not man, not the devil, not even my foolishness and mistakes can thwart the plans that He has for me.
God is the creator and He is in control of ALL creation!
Jer 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(Amplified)
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
(NCV)
I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.
(NKJ)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
(Message)
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
God KNOWS what He is doing. He is in FULL control!
He has plans for me.
Plans of peace, good plans, plans to take care of me, plans for my welfare, plans for my future, plans to give me hope in my final outcome.
Job 5:12 (NIV)
He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success.
Psalm 20:4 (NIV)
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
Psalm 33:10-11 (NIV)
The LORD foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalm 94:11 (NIV)
The LORD knows all human plans; he knows that they are futile.
Prov 19:21 (NIV)
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Prov 16:3 (NIV)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
24 Feb 2011 - Emotions
I dont know how to deal with all of the emotions that keep coming up. I dont know if i am suppressing them or dealing with them. I cant tell the difference. I dont want to suppress them. Yet I do not want to let them take control and drive me.
What do I do? How Lord how? Help! :(
It still hurts so much.
And I still wish that it is but a rebound and that he would find his way back to wisdom and see that she is not good for him.
It is perhaps pride that is causing me to feel that I am better. I am going around asking and telling, so that I can hear others say that I am better.
But what's the point? They are not him! He made the choice and it is breaking my heart!
His choices broke my heart and are still breaking my heart.
It shows how callous he is. Did I cause that or was he already this way?
The memory of his unforgiveness towards his Hmong group still seems so fresh. The bitterness towards his parents still feels so fresh. But that is the past.
When will I be free of it? Its not mine to deal with already, yet it still keeps coming back.
But all these are what I have noticed. He is not aware. He doesnt think that he has any unforgiveness or bitterness toward either his parents or his tribe.
How can my heart still be soft towards him?
He has done me so much wrong and injustice.
This area, praying for him, loving him, I can deal with. The part that I cant deal with is his union with Melinda. I dont like the emotions that come up. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I feel betrayed by her and feel that she set it all up. Not that they just "fell in love" but her eye was on him. Cos of all the comments that she's made about him before and all the comments she's made about her ex.
And how the entire thing happened. how she dumped Ben and shortly after is now dating Toulia!
I am hurting. It feels so unfair! And I am jealous that someone else got her hands on my guy!
Even though we have broken up, but cos I hope, I still feel that he is My Guy! Although he is NOT! and has not been for a long time! Yet I couldnt face that!
My heart is wrenching. I want to cry out! If I were at home, I would. But I am not. I'm at work. :(
I hate her! I cant see the good at the moment. And I really want to curse her. :(
I want to curse their relationship. That it would fail. That it would just be a rebound and Toulia would find someone else!
I think I wont be so sore if he found someone else! ARGH!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
hurts!
:_(
What do I do? How Lord how? Help! :(
It still hurts so much.
And I still wish that it is but a rebound and that he would find his way back to wisdom and see that she is not good for him.
It is perhaps pride that is causing me to feel that I am better. I am going around asking and telling, so that I can hear others say that I am better.
But what's the point? They are not him! He made the choice and it is breaking my heart!
His choices broke my heart and are still breaking my heart.
It shows how callous he is. Did I cause that or was he already this way?
The memory of his unforgiveness towards his Hmong group still seems so fresh. The bitterness towards his parents still feels so fresh. But that is the past.
When will I be free of it? Its not mine to deal with already, yet it still keeps coming back.
But all these are what I have noticed. He is not aware. He doesnt think that he has any unforgiveness or bitterness toward either his parents or his tribe.
How can my heart still be soft towards him?
He has done me so much wrong and injustice.
This area, praying for him, loving him, I can deal with. The part that I cant deal with is his union with Melinda. I dont like the emotions that come up. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I feel betrayed by her and feel that she set it all up. Not that they just "fell in love" but her eye was on him. Cos of all the comments that she's made about him before and all the comments she's made about her ex.
And how the entire thing happened. how she dumped Ben and shortly after is now dating Toulia!
I am hurting. It feels so unfair! And I am jealous that someone else got her hands on my guy!
Even though we have broken up, but cos I hope, I still feel that he is My Guy! Although he is NOT! and has not been for a long time! Yet I couldnt face that!
My heart is wrenching. I want to cry out! If I were at home, I would. But I am not. I'm at work. :(
I hate her! I cant see the good at the moment. And I really want to curse her. :(
I want to curse their relationship. That it would fail. That it would just be a rebound and Toulia would find someone else!
I think I wont be so sore if he found someone else! ARGH!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
hurts!
:_(
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
23 Feb 2011 - The Story
Wow... as I start telling my life story and the trials and challenges that I've been through, suddenly I see the level of immaturity Toulia had. And I also got to see my own journey.
Saved at the age of 17 meant nothing to me other than attending church with Esther for a few occasions before she disappeared for her mission trip. The next couple of years was nothing other than getting into trouble, making wrong decisions and piling up the hurt in my life.
Although I grew up in a convent school and had learnt about Jesus since young, and Mary and Lucy most probably prayed for me when I was young, I dont think I knew any much more than what I knew I was getting myself into at age 17.
Anyway, God is faithful and keeps close eyes on me. Despite the drifting away, He brought me back. Through each trial and challenge in my life, He brought me closer to Him, understanding Him more, knowing His ways better.
The journey started around 1998 when I joined citibank. I am grateful for God calling me back. If there was no Sandra, I would never have made it back to His side. The journey really started then I believe. And if Sandra did not leave for Canada, i think I too would not have taken another step closer to God.
And well, with the break up in 2005, that led me even closer. Regardless of all the wrong decisions that I made, He kept me safe and kept me on His path for me. So now even though everything seems uncertain, I am certain that I have been called to Sydney, Hillsong. And He has great plans for me.
I have been through alot, drifted away alot and come back to Him alot too. Through it all, I have grown heaps too. Responding in anger is still a challenge, but looking back, it is much less of a challenge that it was 10 years back.
Having taken a good look at my own life and then at Toulia's, I realised that he has hardly experienced anything major in his life, other than his fiance cheating on him. Life was cruisey for him. So much so that he did not even know how to handle a change in cash flow when he switched jobs.
sigh... I really dont know how I was never able to see all of that. No wonder he is unable to understand what I have been through, what I was going through and what my heart desired. He was young an immature. Smart and intelligent no doubt, but lacks the wisdom of a man of God.
I would have been a mother to him. Given the experience that I had undergone, I know I could put up with the way he was, if I did not deal with any major issues in my life at that time. However obviously that was not so.
I dont know if God has taken all the men in my past out of my life cos He knew that they would keep me away from Him or I destroyed it. Nonetheless, God is faithful and has claimed all responsibility for man's actions and the devil's temptations. And I know that He will deliver me from this situation. He still has a mate for me.
I know God only wants the best for me and has the best for me.
I cant understand what happened. Cant explain it all. But I can see how He is just drawing me closer to Him, changing me and softening my heart. I've never desired to be so obedient and surrender all I have to Him.
i have also never trusted Him to change, not just my circumstances, but me. I had always thought that if any change were to happen, it would be my efforts. And I have always blamed myself for not putting in enough effort. But I can see now, that it was nothing to do with my efforts. As long as I desired to be obedient and that was the intention, He would make it possible.
The fight that I currently have now:- emotionally, mentally and even physically is the change that He is doing for me. It is so uncomfortable. I cant understand what's happening. Yet I can see the change. When I overcome the feelings of discomfort, a change has already happened. Its amazing!
wow... I never knew how good God was... till now. In my pains and troubles, He was there. He was working on me, moulding me, changing me.
My trust in my Daddy God grows. Partly cos of the change I am now seeing, as well as His past faithfulness to me and the heroes of the past, and His words and promises in the bible.
Proverbs 4:25 - Let your eyes look right on (with fixed purpose), and let your gaze be straight before you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
Saved at the age of 17 meant nothing to me other than attending church with Esther for a few occasions before she disappeared for her mission trip. The next couple of years was nothing other than getting into trouble, making wrong decisions and piling up the hurt in my life.
Although I grew up in a convent school and had learnt about Jesus since young, and Mary and Lucy most probably prayed for me when I was young, I dont think I knew any much more than what I knew I was getting myself into at age 17.
Anyway, God is faithful and keeps close eyes on me. Despite the drifting away, He brought me back. Through each trial and challenge in my life, He brought me closer to Him, understanding Him more, knowing His ways better.
The journey started around 1998 when I joined citibank. I am grateful for God calling me back. If there was no Sandra, I would never have made it back to His side. The journey really started then I believe. And if Sandra did not leave for Canada, i think I too would not have taken another step closer to God.
And well, with the break up in 2005, that led me even closer. Regardless of all the wrong decisions that I made, He kept me safe and kept me on His path for me. So now even though everything seems uncertain, I am certain that I have been called to Sydney, Hillsong. And He has great plans for me.
I have been through alot, drifted away alot and come back to Him alot too. Through it all, I have grown heaps too. Responding in anger is still a challenge, but looking back, it is much less of a challenge that it was 10 years back.
Having taken a good look at my own life and then at Toulia's, I realised that he has hardly experienced anything major in his life, other than his fiance cheating on him. Life was cruisey for him. So much so that he did not even know how to handle a change in cash flow when he switched jobs.
sigh... I really dont know how I was never able to see all of that. No wonder he is unable to understand what I have been through, what I was going through and what my heart desired. He was young an immature. Smart and intelligent no doubt, but lacks the wisdom of a man of God.
I would have been a mother to him. Given the experience that I had undergone, I know I could put up with the way he was, if I did not deal with any major issues in my life at that time. However obviously that was not so.
I dont know if God has taken all the men in my past out of my life cos He knew that they would keep me away from Him or I destroyed it. Nonetheless, God is faithful and has claimed all responsibility for man's actions and the devil's temptations. And I know that He will deliver me from this situation. He still has a mate for me.
I know God only wants the best for me and has the best for me.
I cant understand what happened. Cant explain it all. But I can see how He is just drawing me closer to Him, changing me and softening my heart. I've never desired to be so obedient and surrender all I have to Him.
i have also never trusted Him to change, not just my circumstances, but me. I had always thought that if any change were to happen, it would be my efforts. And I have always blamed myself for not putting in enough effort. But I can see now, that it was nothing to do with my efforts. As long as I desired to be obedient and that was the intention, He would make it possible.
The fight that I currently have now:- emotionally, mentally and even physically is the change that He is doing for me. It is so uncomfortable. I cant understand what's happening. Yet I can see the change. When I overcome the feelings of discomfort, a change has already happened. Its amazing!
wow... I never knew how good God was... till now. In my pains and troubles, He was there. He was working on me, moulding me, changing me.
My trust in my Daddy God grows. Partly cos of the change I am now seeing, as well as His past faithfulness to me and the heroes of the past, and His words and promises in the bible.
Proverbs 4:25 - Let your eyes look right on (with fixed purpose), and let your gaze be straight before you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
23 Feb 2011 - Sudden desire for mom
Had a sudden desire for mom, to be curled up next to her, to have her by my side, to tell me that everything is ok.
I have not been able to cope - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I can tell alot of changes are happening. Processing things differently, self-control and surrendering. But it just feels so difficult.
Physically i'm feeling odd. Not sure if it is the lack of nutrients or its the overwhelming emotions that's affecting me or a change in the way I behave and my mind is just so uncomfortable. (just like Mary Sutherland's example of a pair of new contacts)
Whatever it is, I know that it will pass. But suddenly just want mom around. Miss her smell. and her touch. Cant leave to go back. So alternative is to fly her here.
Perhaps saw the window of opportunity cos Annie is going away for 2 weeks. So the place will be less crowded. Whatever the reason is, calling home and speaking to mom felt good. Regardless of what she said, holding the phone and hearing her voice sounded so good.
I feel like self-pity. However, I know this is a season. It is not permanent. God is faithful and He has claimed all responsibility to what man and devil has done in my life and He has already lined up all the solutions to the issues and the restoration to the damage done.
It will all be good.
Jer 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you , not to cause you harm. Plans for a hope and a future.
And I will see breakthrough this year in 2011.
I need to move forward. I need to look forward.
Proverbs 4:24-26
24 Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Give careful thought to the[a] paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
I have not been able to cope - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I can tell alot of changes are happening. Processing things differently, self-control and surrendering. But it just feels so difficult.
Physically i'm feeling odd. Not sure if it is the lack of nutrients or its the overwhelming emotions that's affecting me or a change in the way I behave and my mind is just so uncomfortable. (just like Mary Sutherland's example of a pair of new contacts)
Whatever it is, I know that it will pass. But suddenly just want mom around. Miss her smell. and her touch. Cant leave to go back. So alternative is to fly her here.
Perhaps saw the window of opportunity cos Annie is going away for 2 weeks. So the place will be less crowded. Whatever the reason is, calling home and speaking to mom felt good. Regardless of what she said, holding the phone and hearing her voice sounded so good.
I feel like self-pity. However, I know this is a season. It is not permanent. God is faithful and He has claimed all responsibility to what man and devil has done in my life and He has already lined up all the solutions to the issues and the restoration to the damage done.
It will all be good.
Jer 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you , not to cause you harm. Plans for a hope and a future.
And I will see breakthrough this year in 2011.
I need to move forward. I need to look forward.
Proverbs 4:24-26
24 Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Give careful thought to the[a] paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
22 Feb 2010 - Double
Part of Joel Oesteen's sermon.
Receive Job's encouragement. God has not brought me this far to leave me. This is a test. Its not permanent. Its temporary. It may look like its out of control but God is in complete control. Job's encouragement is - DOUBLE.
Let that seed take root and start speaking DOUBLE over my situations!
Thank God for twice the portion that He will give you.
The person who did you wrong in a relationship, betrayed you, walked out on you, does not deserve you. Dont go through life in self pity, thinking poor old me.
If they left you, you didnt need them! They were not a part of your divine destiny.
They did you a favour by opening the door for who God wants to bring into your life.
You need to get in agreement and get a vision for it.
Daddy I want to thank You for bringing somebody twice as good as the old goat that walked out. Somebody that's twice as fun, twice as friendly to be around, twice as encouraging, twice as well off and twice as good looking!!!
Yes Job is cheering me on from the stands of heaven, reminding of the DOUBLE blessing that I will receive for the loss that I have today!
I claim all of that in Jesus's name. Jesus died on the cross so I can receive the gift of righteousness and be blessed. I will not let Jesus die on the cross a second time! I will believe the word of God that has been promised to me!
2 Tim 1:7 - (Amplified) For God did not give me a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given me a spirit of power, love and of a CALM and WELL-BALANCED mind, and DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
I shall not cower over the issues of life. I will not fear the consequences of anger. For I shall live by the spirit and be led in discipline and self-control. I will not fall into temptation and be distracted into thinking evil of myself or any other person.
I have a CALM, WELL-BALANCED mind!
I have DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
Amen!
Praise God!
Thank You Jesus for the gift of righteousness!
Receive Job's encouragement. God has not brought me this far to leave me. This is a test. Its not permanent. Its temporary. It may look like its out of control but God is in complete control. Job's encouragement is - DOUBLE.
Let that seed take root and start speaking DOUBLE over my situations!
Thank God for twice the portion that He will give you.
The person who did you wrong in a relationship, betrayed you, walked out on you, does not deserve you. Dont go through life in self pity, thinking poor old me.
If they left you, you didnt need them! They were not a part of your divine destiny.
They did you a favour by opening the door for who God wants to bring into your life.
You need to get in agreement and get a vision for it.
Daddy I want to thank You for bringing somebody twice as good as the old goat that walked out. Somebody that's twice as fun, twice as friendly to be around, twice as encouraging, twice as well off and twice as good looking!!!
Yes Job is cheering me on from the stands of heaven, reminding of the DOUBLE blessing that I will receive for the loss that I have today!
I claim all of that in Jesus's name. Jesus died on the cross so I can receive the gift of righteousness and be blessed. I will not let Jesus die on the cross a second time! I will believe the word of God that has been promised to me!
2 Tim 1:7 - (Amplified) For God did not give me a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given me a spirit of power, love and of a CALM and WELL-BALANCED mind, and DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
I shall not cower over the issues of life. I will not fear the consequences of anger. For I shall live by the spirit and be led in discipline and self-control. I will not fall into temptation and be distracted into thinking evil of myself or any other person.
I have a CALM, WELL-BALANCED mind!
I have DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
Amen!
Praise God!
Thank You Jesus for the gift of righteousness!
Monday, February 21, 2011
22 Feb 2011 - Thank You God
Thank You God for giving me the privilege to pray for my colleague Sandra. This is the first time something like this has happened. Not that I am rejoicing over a death in the family, but Thank You for placing me within her circle here at work.
I pray that You bless her and her family with comfort Lord. That You see them through this period of grief. That even though they may not know why this is happening and cannot see why this was allowed, I pray that they get to draw closer to You Lord.
Thank You Daddy for distracting me.
Thank You Jesus for your death and salvation.
Thank You Daddy!
I pray that You bless her and her family with comfort Lord. That You see them through this period of grief. That even though they may not know why this is happening and cannot see why this was allowed, I pray that they get to draw closer to You Lord.
Thank You Daddy for distracting me.
Thank You Jesus for your death and salvation.
Thank You Daddy!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
21 Feb 2011 - Restoration and the step upward
My life has been bought by the blood of Christ.
Thank God for the wise women placed in my life. Melania's prayers are so powerful! I want to pray like her! Just a simple prayer breaks whatever bondages that were trying to sink their claws into me.
Wow!
Thank God for open eyes!
I have seen the Truth. I do not want this guy. He is not good for me. What he has done shocked, disappointed and disgusts me.
He is not a man of God as I thought he was. He is not honorable. Although he was sweet and all, the way he conducted the relationship was without honor. And the way he dealt with the breakup was worse. And now, doing what he is doing with melinda is even worse.
Not that she is a bad girl, but honestly, where is his wisdom? In his pants?
How could he date someone whom he had criticise for a lack of wisdom and seen her issues with self and men?
and whats more, so shortly after she broke up with Benny? whom she was ranting and raving about and talking about settling down with and how suitable he was for her?
geesh
sigh...
anyways...
none of my business. I need to remember that. It is their lives now. Mine is with God. And He has great plans for me. I am His handiwork. He personally handcrafted me.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's works are wonderful! (psalm 139:14)
The blood of Jesus covers me. He was sacrificed for my sake. He was risen so I have eternal life. The devil has no foothold in my life. Jesus has control of all my thoughts!
Praise God!
Thank God for the wise women placed in my life. Melania's prayers are so powerful! I want to pray like her! Just a simple prayer breaks whatever bondages that were trying to sink their claws into me.
Wow!
Thank God for open eyes!
I have seen the Truth. I do not want this guy. He is not good for me. What he has done shocked, disappointed and disgusts me.
He is not a man of God as I thought he was. He is not honorable. Although he was sweet and all, the way he conducted the relationship was without honor. And the way he dealt with the breakup was worse. And now, doing what he is doing with melinda is even worse.
Not that she is a bad girl, but honestly, where is his wisdom? In his pants?
How could he date someone whom he had criticise for a lack of wisdom and seen her issues with self and men?
and whats more, so shortly after she broke up with Benny? whom she was ranting and raving about and talking about settling down with and how suitable he was for her?
geesh
sigh...
anyways...
none of my business. I need to remember that. It is their lives now. Mine is with God. And He has great plans for me. I am His handiwork. He personally handcrafted me.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's works are wonderful! (psalm 139:14)
The blood of Jesus covers me. He was sacrificed for my sake. He was risen so I have eternal life. The devil has no foothold in my life. Jesus has control of all my thoughts!
Praise God!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
18 Feb 2011 - What do I do?
Daddy God,
What do I do?
I am filled with my own sorrow, yet there are others with their sorrow, turning to me. I have no answers for them. Only You hold the answers. I dont know what to say.
I'm still turning to You to ask You to deal with the pain that I am experiencing. :(
sigh... when will it end Daddy?
When will I start thinking about him?
Why am I still thinking about him? I'm sad cos I believe that he is no longer thinking about me. :(
I'm really heartbroken.
But You said love is free will. Like the Waiting Father, waiting expectantly for his prodigal son.
He gave him the free will to leave. Hoping that he will one day come back.
Do I even dare hope that he will come back?
Or just hope that You have someone for me? This I dare to hope.
The former, I dont. There's this little voice in my head that says that I am not good enough for him so he left me. So I dont even dare to hope. I want to, but I dont dare to hope. How sad.
Help me please Daddy. Help me to let it go. Help me to have peace. Help me please.....
:_(
What do I do?
I am filled with my own sorrow, yet there are others with their sorrow, turning to me. I have no answers for them. Only You hold the answers. I dont know what to say.
I'm still turning to You to ask You to deal with the pain that I am experiencing. :(
sigh... when will it end Daddy?
When will I start thinking about him?
Why am I still thinking about him? I'm sad cos I believe that he is no longer thinking about me. :(
I'm really heartbroken.
But You said love is free will. Like the Waiting Father, waiting expectantly for his prodigal son.
He gave him the free will to leave. Hoping that he will one day come back.
Do I even dare hope that he will come back?
Or just hope that You have someone for me? This I dare to hope.
The former, I dont. There's this little voice in my head that says that I am not good enough for him so he left me. So I dont even dare to hope. I want to, but I dont dare to hope. How sad.
Help me please Daddy. Help me to let it go. Help me to have peace. Help me please.....
:_(
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
17 Feb 2011 - how many times must i write?
thought i just acknowledged my feelings. but somehow, there's still something sitting on my chest. i dont know what it is.
really wish it would go away!
dont like the heaviness.
i dread writing the letters to him.
dont like the responses i have been getting so far.
dont wish to continue being an idiot.
come on... honestly... there are better men out there!
what's so good about him?!
not like he's tall dark and handsome.
he's fair!
not very tall
and not very handsome!
i loved him cos he first loved me.
but he has chosen to walk away!
and blamed me!
i dont care what he says to his future girlfriends and all.
he walked away from this all!
i was but throwing a tantrum.
i shouldnt have been so severely punished
if he really loved me, he would not have walked away just like that. no attempt to work things out. nothing.
everything is his way or the highway.
everything is done his style.
yet we talked about it in the beginning... we would talk about everything. we would work at working things out.
but whenever there was a crunch. i would be the one working it out. I would pursue it.
where is my man?!
he just walks away - defeated. cos of something i said!
seriously... is this the kind of man you want?
no.
then stop crying over him.
he is not worth it.
it is his loss not yours.
there's so much more in you to give. but he doesnt know how to appreciate you. he could not see your beauty. he could not see your value.
forgive him.
really wish it would go away!
dont like the heaviness.
i dread writing the letters to him.
dont like the responses i have been getting so far.
dont wish to continue being an idiot.
come on... honestly... there are better men out there!
what's so good about him?!
not like he's tall dark and handsome.
he's fair!
not very tall
and not very handsome!
i loved him cos he first loved me.
but he has chosen to walk away!
and blamed me!
i dont care what he says to his future girlfriends and all.
he walked away from this all!
i was but throwing a tantrum.
i shouldnt have been so severely punished
if he really loved me, he would not have walked away just like that. no attempt to work things out. nothing.
everything is his way or the highway.
everything is done his style.
yet we talked about it in the beginning... we would talk about everything. we would work at working things out.
but whenever there was a crunch. i would be the one working it out. I would pursue it.
where is my man?!
he just walks away - defeated. cos of something i said!
seriously... is this the kind of man you want?
no.
then stop crying over him.
he is not worth it.
it is his loss not yours.
there's so much more in you to give. but he doesnt know how to appreciate you. he could not see your beauty. he could not see your value.
forgive him.
17 Feb 2011 - The things i wanted to say to him
These thoughts and feelings still come up pretty often. That feeling of being wronged and wanting so bad to fight for myself just keeps coming up.
But I have to trust God to help me. If He has not stuck up for me, then I shouldnt try to. He knows when is the best time to reveal things.
Had thoughts/ideas planted in my mind. Not sure if it is from Him. But i think it is. Although, of cos all the other additional thoughts are mine.
I believe Daddy told me to pass the Love & War book to Toulia and remind him of the spiritual warfare that we are in. As well as get him the medicine for his nail. (honestly, i'm really guessing that he would have taken care of that by now and if he has, geesh... that's not really a thought i want to entertain. its disgusting. how can someone NOT take crae of himself?!)
anyways, so many other thoughts came up. The want to defend myself, to tell him how he destroyed my life, how disappointing it was to have him walk out on me when I was at my lowest. And that i am glad we didnt marry when i suggested it before. cos i dont know if he would have walked out on me.
what a coward! gutless!
sigh.. yes... after so long, i am still angry!
I wish i could get over it! i really wish i can stop being angry about it.
:(
it hurts me to see me so angry still.
i feel sorry for myself. that i had met such a gutless man.
i deserve more.
i deserve someone who loves me enough to support me through everything.
i loved him. regardless of what he was going through, i stood by him. i bore the brunt of it with him.
he just left me.
made me feel worthless. made me feel small.
made me feel unlovable. especially his comments. how i wish i never met him.
i dont know and still cant see what God wanted to achieve out of this. but i am not going to mull over it and stress my already stressed brain.
in all honesty, i never thought that i was going through so much.
he was just such an asshole. cold. heartless.
how dare he claim to have loved me.
yes i can remember all the little things he used to do for me.
but that's all.
when he is facing his own pressures and crisis, he topples over.
what claims he made previously, saying that my pms was his pms cos whatever affects me affects him!
HAH!
my work caused me so much stress and pressure. he did not bear any of it with me.
he was far from being understanding
in fact he trashed me when i was already on the ground. beat me to pulp with his words.
how i wish i could tell him that his words nearly killed me.
how i wish i had the courage to kill myself and make him feel guilty for the rest of his life. let it haunt him!
but... oh well, all these are said in anger and disappointment and all .. not that i really want it to happen. but the hurt that he caused was really just so great. if only he knew!
if only he knew....
sigh..
oh wells... my eyes are fixed on jesus. He came, bore my sins, died for me and rose again.
so i am clean. righteous. renewed.
i know God has great plans for me. i know He will have a partner for me. and i will wait on Him.
i have learnt to fight the first instinct to just go and do something, cos i think it is from God. until i get a confirmation. well, 2 at least.
I will WAIT on the Lord.
And I will learn to BE STILL! and just BE!
I know that above message was strongly put across to me by God!
In church by Catrina.
Then later personally by God - verses I read, books & well, the very obvious song by Kirk Franklin which couldnt stop repeating - Be Still and know I am God!
sigh.. oh wells...
God is good!
That's enough!
God is Sovereign! Praise Him!
Jesus Loves me!
I'm thankful!
But I have to trust God to help me. If He has not stuck up for me, then I shouldnt try to. He knows when is the best time to reveal things.
Had thoughts/ideas planted in my mind. Not sure if it is from Him. But i think it is. Although, of cos all the other additional thoughts are mine.
I believe Daddy told me to pass the Love & War book to Toulia and remind him of the spiritual warfare that we are in. As well as get him the medicine for his nail. (honestly, i'm really guessing that he would have taken care of that by now and if he has, geesh... that's not really a thought i want to entertain. its disgusting. how can someone NOT take crae of himself?!)
anyways, so many other thoughts came up. The want to defend myself, to tell him how he destroyed my life, how disappointing it was to have him walk out on me when I was at my lowest. And that i am glad we didnt marry when i suggested it before. cos i dont know if he would have walked out on me.
what a coward! gutless!
sigh.. yes... after so long, i am still angry!
I wish i could get over it! i really wish i can stop being angry about it.
:(
it hurts me to see me so angry still.
i feel sorry for myself. that i had met such a gutless man.
i deserve more.
i deserve someone who loves me enough to support me through everything.
i loved him. regardless of what he was going through, i stood by him. i bore the brunt of it with him.
he just left me.
made me feel worthless. made me feel small.
made me feel unlovable. especially his comments. how i wish i never met him.
i dont know and still cant see what God wanted to achieve out of this. but i am not going to mull over it and stress my already stressed brain.
in all honesty, i never thought that i was going through so much.
he was just such an asshole. cold. heartless.
how dare he claim to have loved me.
yes i can remember all the little things he used to do for me.
but that's all.
when he is facing his own pressures and crisis, he topples over.
what claims he made previously, saying that my pms was his pms cos whatever affects me affects him!
HAH!
my work caused me so much stress and pressure. he did not bear any of it with me.
he was far from being understanding
in fact he trashed me when i was already on the ground. beat me to pulp with his words.
how i wish i could tell him that his words nearly killed me.
how i wish i had the courage to kill myself and make him feel guilty for the rest of his life. let it haunt him!
but... oh well, all these are said in anger and disappointment and all .. not that i really want it to happen. but the hurt that he caused was really just so great. if only he knew!
if only he knew....
sigh..
oh wells... my eyes are fixed on jesus. He came, bore my sins, died for me and rose again.
so i am clean. righteous. renewed.
i know God has great plans for me. i know He will have a partner for me. and i will wait on Him.
i have learnt to fight the first instinct to just go and do something, cos i think it is from God. until i get a confirmation. well, 2 at least.
I will WAIT on the Lord.
And I will learn to BE STILL! and just BE!
I know that above message was strongly put across to me by God!
In church by Catrina.
Then later personally by God - verses I read, books & well, the very obvious song by Kirk Franklin which couldnt stop repeating - Be Still and know I am God!
sigh.. oh wells...
God is good!
That's enough!
God is Sovereign! Praise Him!
Jesus Loves me!
I'm thankful!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
16 Feb 2011 - The "Grip"
I have no idea what in the world that "feeling" I keep getting.
Dislike it! Will tell tim tomorrow. Geesh.
I was doing my work and well and suddenly I feel a tightening in my chest and the feeling of doom came over me. And I have no idea what in the world I started feeling depressed about. And anger started to grow.
could it be that some thought just crossed my mind without me knowing?
And it was so fast that I felt the effects without even knowing?
Geesh.. that's crazy. scary!
Want this to pass soon!
Dont like the feeling of doom over my head. sucky.
Dislike it! Will tell tim tomorrow. Geesh.
I was doing my work and well and suddenly I feel a tightening in my chest and the feeling of doom came over me. And I have no idea what in the world I started feeling depressed about. And anger started to grow.
could it be that some thought just crossed my mind without me knowing?
And it was so fast that I felt the effects without even knowing?
Geesh.. that's crazy. scary!
Want this to pass soon!
Dont like the feeling of doom over my head. sucky.
Monday, February 14, 2011
15 Feb 2011 - Things never used to be so difficult
What has happened?
since when did things become so difficult? They seemed easier in my early days. A broken heart never seemed to take so long to mend.
I feel like a failure. Its been so long yet I cant seem to get over him. He's just one simple guy. Why is it taking so long?! How can the pain last so long?!
I just cant function properly. And that makes things worse. Adds to the feeling of me being a failure.
And I am sick and tired of talking about it to someone. Yet I cant keep it within me. It is driving me insane.
I am so tempted to get in touch with him, but that would just be suicide.
I am no longer rationale. I have lost all senses.
I cant believe that this is the life that God has for me. I refuse to, yet I am facing it and that is a fact.
And I feel so weak! So useless! So lost!
Someone help me!
Someone save me!
I cant cry out "If there is a God!" cos I KNOW there IS a God! He is my Abba Father, but He has not done anything yet!
I dont know how long more I have to wait. I dont know how much more I can endure.
I am going insane!
I gota force myself to be in company of people, otherwise I will go insane!
I hate this feeling. This is not how life was created to be! :(
What happened?!
God!
Help me!
:(
since when did things become so difficult? They seemed easier in my early days. A broken heart never seemed to take so long to mend.
I feel like a failure. Its been so long yet I cant seem to get over him. He's just one simple guy. Why is it taking so long?! How can the pain last so long?!
I just cant function properly. And that makes things worse. Adds to the feeling of me being a failure.
And I am sick and tired of talking about it to someone. Yet I cant keep it within me. It is driving me insane.
I am so tempted to get in touch with him, but that would just be suicide.
I am no longer rationale. I have lost all senses.
I cant believe that this is the life that God has for me. I refuse to, yet I am facing it and that is a fact.
And I feel so weak! So useless! So lost!
Someone help me!
Someone save me!
I cant cry out "If there is a God!" cos I KNOW there IS a God! He is my Abba Father, but He has not done anything yet!
I dont know how long more I have to wait. I dont know how much more I can endure.
I am going insane!
I gota force myself to be in company of people, otherwise I will go insane!
I hate this feeling. This is not how life was created to be! :(
What happened?!
God!
Help me!
:(
15 Feb 2011 - Hate
I hate him. I absolutely hate him to death!
I hate what he did to me. I hate falling in love with him. I hate still loving him. I hate that he chose to walk away. I hate that he is so nonchalant in church.
My heart is getting torn apart. Each and every day. I hate this torture. I hate his cowardice. I hate that he had no courage to fight this battle with me. I hate that he couldnt trust me. I hate him for not trusting God enough to see this through!
I hate him!
I wish I can give all these to him and cause terrible guilt in him that is irreparable. That he cant move on. But this can only happen if something should happen to me. And its never going to happen. I cannot allow myself to be affected by him any longer!
I hate myself!
I've said this a thousand times yet I am still affected by him!
I said that I want to go out and just flirt with all the guys possible in church who would turn an eye to me. I want to make him jealous!
But I cant do it.
Who knows what I am going through?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate You!
I hate the pain I am going through.
There's nothing special about him. He is just like any other guy.
All he wanted was sex!
Yet he wanted to do the right thing. If not for God, we would have had sex everyday!
How different is he from any other worldly guy?!
Jerk!
I hate him!
I hate what he did to me. I hate falling in love with him. I hate still loving him. I hate that he chose to walk away. I hate that he is so nonchalant in church.
My heart is getting torn apart. Each and every day. I hate this torture. I hate his cowardice. I hate that he had no courage to fight this battle with me. I hate that he couldnt trust me. I hate him for not trusting God enough to see this through!
I hate him!
I wish I can give all these to him and cause terrible guilt in him that is irreparable. That he cant move on. But this can only happen if something should happen to me. And its never going to happen. I cannot allow myself to be affected by him any longer!
I hate myself!
I've said this a thousand times yet I am still affected by him!
I said that I want to go out and just flirt with all the guys possible in church who would turn an eye to me. I want to make him jealous!
But I cant do it.
Who knows what I am going through?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate You!
I hate the pain I am going through.
There's nothing special about him. He is just like any other guy.
All he wanted was sex!
Yet he wanted to do the right thing. If not for God, we would have had sex everyday!
How different is he from any other worldly guy?!
Jerk!
I hate him!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
11 Feb 2011 - Pain
Day had been good.
After last night's chat with Melania, my eyes were opened and I was able to let go. Didnt think too much.
Decided to focus on what I can control - who I want to be by the end of the year.
=> Gentle tongue, no gossip, encourager, peace maker.
=> Obedient to God.
This is so that I can be a good wife and mom to my kids and husband when God brings it to pass.
Listening to the new song Aftermath now. I think its the tune. Its just causing my heart to wrench. I dont know why. There's just pain which I cannot identify.
I acknowledge that I was probably in depression although I had only seen it as stress. But if what Vicki said was true, that sighing was a sign of depression and my erractic moods as well, then yes I was probably in depression for a long time. Probably since I joined Sussex.
Never thought the pressure I had faced was so great that it would cause me depression. In fact, never thought that stress could ever cause depression. Not that I am blaming my doctor, cos Tim knew that I was really stressed. He gave me pills to sleep well. But not happy pills.
I wonder how it would have been like if he had given me those pills. Would me and Toulia still be together? Would things have been different? Perhaps. But I would not have learnt all that I have so far and made the changes that I have and continue making the changes.
There's a tad of self pity (yes... the flesh and the devil always does this) to learn that I was most probably in a state of depression when Toulia and I split. I feel so sad. At a time when I needed him most, he walked out of me. Its kinda like "Oh poor me."
Praise God that He did not walk out on me, yet remained Faithful and Enduring throughout the entire period, despite my tantrums, my tears, my sorrows and my lamentations. And He sent good friends to surround me instead. To give me comfort, to help me feel that I belong, to encourage me.
How good is our God?!
Yet I cannot fathom what it means to have a relationship with Him, that my purpose here on earth is to have a relationship with Him. Perhaps I already have one. I do believe that I do have one. But i'm not sure if that is the ideal relationship. And I guess my logical mind always needs an explanation, a picture and thus still have not quite gotten a grasp of it.
Oh... how I want to just feel God's presence! Just to be alone with Him. Just me and Him and no one else!
How awesome!
Closing my eyes, listening to Aftermath, tears just cant stop rolling. And there's this feeling that I cant describe. Is that what it means to be in God's presence?! Feels like alot of emotions overflowing from within my heart. And a presence enveloping me. As if a pair of large hands had just grasp me around my shoulders and given me a huge big hug!
Oh Daddy God! Can I stay forever in Your presence? I can never get enough of it! I dont want this day, this moment to pass. I dont want it to end. I want time to just stand still. Just you and me, oblivious to everyone and everything else around.
Love, your dearest daughter.
After last night's chat with Melania, my eyes were opened and I was able to let go. Didnt think too much.
Decided to focus on what I can control - who I want to be by the end of the year.
=> Gentle tongue, no gossip, encourager, peace maker.
=> Obedient to God.
This is so that I can be a good wife and mom to my kids and husband when God brings it to pass.
Listening to the new song Aftermath now. I think its the tune. Its just causing my heart to wrench. I dont know why. There's just pain which I cannot identify.
I acknowledge that I was probably in depression although I had only seen it as stress. But if what Vicki said was true, that sighing was a sign of depression and my erractic moods as well, then yes I was probably in depression for a long time. Probably since I joined Sussex.
Never thought the pressure I had faced was so great that it would cause me depression. In fact, never thought that stress could ever cause depression. Not that I am blaming my doctor, cos Tim knew that I was really stressed. He gave me pills to sleep well. But not happy pills.
I wonder how it would have been like if he had given me those pills. Would me and Toulia still be together? Would things have been different? Perhaps. But I would not have learnt all that I have so far and made the changes that I have and continue making the changes.
There's a tad of self pity (yes... the flesh and the devil always does this) to learn that I was most probably in a state of depression when Toulia and I split. I feel so sad. At a time when I needed him most, he walked out of me. Its kinda like "Oh poor me."
Praise God that He did not walk out on me, yet remained Faithful and Enduring throughout the entire period, despite my tantrums, my tears, my sorrows and my lamentations. And He sent good friends to surround me instead. To give me comfort, to help me feel that I belong, to encourage me.
How good is our God?!
Yet I cannot fathom what it means to have a relationship with Him, that my purpose here on earth is to have a relationship with Him. Perhaps I already have one. I do believe that I do have one. But i'm not sure if that is the ideal relationship. And I guess my logical mind always needs an explanation, a picture and thus still have not quite gotten a grasp of it.
Oh... how I want to just feel God's presence! Just to be alone with Him. Just me and Him and no one else!
How awesome!
Closing my eyes, listening to Aftermath, tears just cant stop rolling. And there's this feeling that I cant describe. Is that what it means to be in God's presence?! Feels like alot of emotions overflowing from within my heart. And a presence enveloping me. As if a pair of large hands had just grasp me around my shoulders and given me a huge big hug!
Oh Daddy God! Can I stay forever in Your presence? I can never get enough of it! I dont want this day, this moment to pass. I dont want it to end. I want time to just stand still. Just you and me, oblivious to everyone and everything else around.
Love, your dearest daughter.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
9 Feb 2011 - Struggle again
Everyday it is a struggle.
Struggle to NOT give in to temptation and do what my flesh so wants to do.
Just spent almost an hour or more today, writing down the letter that I THINK Toulia should have so tat he can LEARN from his mistakes!
That's pure manipulation. Trying to point his faults out to him while asking him to be "understanding". How low can I get. Nonetheless, the letter is written. No way will I post it. Thank God for the sanity.
The way he is right now, he is not going to accept anything from me, good intentions of not. If anyone is to do anything in his life, it would have to be God. I cannot.
I am already nothing without God. And if God didnt bless this letter, then I cannot send it.
thank you Holy Spirit for your help.
I guess it was an opportunity to clear my head, my frustrations, my unspoken grieves that I never got to air. Will he ever get this letter? i dont know. I just dont want to do what God did not ask me to do anymore. Thank God that He caught me in time. sigh.
What a waste of time!
Darn!
Struggle to NOT give in to temptation and do what my flesh so wants to do.
Just spent almost an hour or more today, writing down the letter that I THINK Toulia should have so tat he can LEARN from his mistakes!
That's pure manipulation. Trying to point his faults out to him while asking him to be "understanding". How low can I get. Nonetheless, the letter is written. No way will I post it. Thank God for the sanity.
The way he is right now, he is not going to accept anything from me, good intentions of not. If anyone is to do anything in his life, it would have to be God. I cannot.
I am already nothing without God. And if God didnt bless this letter, then I cannot send it.
thank you Holy Spirit for your help.
I guess it was an opportunity to clear my head, my frustrations, my unspoken grieves that I never got to air. Will he ever get this letter? i dont know. I just dont want to do what God did not ask me to do anymore. Thank God that He caught me in time. sigh.
What a waste of time!
Darn!
Monday, February 7, 2011
8 Feb 2011 - I will keep my eyes on YOU
When I think of the resolution that Toulia made, I feel disheartened and hopeless. And it is this hopelessness that kills me off. I become paralyzed and unable to do anything.
Reading about condemnation being the root of all sicknesses and problems, I can understand what he was going through, and what I went through too. Not that I am better off now, cos I still fight it daily, but I know where to run to.
Knowing that God loves me and He is the only one who can do anything in my situation now and that only in Him I can place my cares, the following phrase rings true in my ears:-
I will see this season through. I will fix my eyes on You.
I know that You are here with me. Your love will light the way.
Whenever I think about toulia's decision, I remember the face he wore with reserve and the unmoving sound of his voice. I hear the determination in his voice as well to walk away from all of this. I cant help but doubt that God can do anything.
But honestly, I have no choice. God is the only one I can rely on. If the Master of the Universe, my Maker and Creator CANNOT do anything about this situation, then what can I, little created weak human being do about it?
I can only surrender. So might as well surrender it to Him, the Almighty and believe that He will create miracles and draw toulia back to me again. Only if it is in His plans.
If it is not, then I'm sure He will have someone for me and He will cause me to forget toulia.
I guess I have difficulty trusting God cos He did not fulfill the dream that I had cast unto Him, to be internationally known as a movie star. And the only reason I could give was that it was not good for me.
So perhaps Toulia is not good for me and thus God has not brought him back.
I have to trust Jesus, that He is doing everything He can for me in my situation. And that God loves me and wants the best for me. So I just have to trust Him with blind faith! There is no other way!
Its a choice and I will have to make that choice daily. Even if it might start with a struggle. But it'll all turn out good.
Reading about condemnation being the root of all sicknesses and problems, I can understand what he was going through, and what I went through too. Not that I am better off now, cos I still fight it daily, but I know where to run to.
Knowing that God loves me and He is the only one who can do anything in my situation now and that only in Him I can place my cares, the following phrase rings true in my ears:-
I will see this season through. I will fix my eyes on You.
I know that You are here with me. Your love will light the way.
Whenever I think about toulia's decision, I remember the face he wore with reserve and the unmoving sound of his voice. I hear the determination in his voice as well to walk away from all of this. I cant help but doubt that God can do anything.
But honestly, I have no choice. God is the only one I can rely on. If the Master of the Universe, my Maker and Creator CANNOT do anything about this situation, then what can I, little created weak human being do about it?
I can only surrender. So might as well surrender it to Him, the Almighty and believe that He will create miracles and draw toulia back to me again. Only if it is in His plans.
If it is not, then I'm sure He will have someone for me and He will cause me to forget toulia.
I guess I have difficulty trusting God cos He did not fulfill the dream that I had cast unto Him, to be internationally known as a movie star. And the only reason I could give was that it was not good for me.
So perhaps Toulia is not good for me and thus God has not brought him back.
I have to trust Jesus, that He is doing everything He can for me in my situation. And that God loves me and wants the best for me. So I just have to trust Him with blind faith! There is no other way!
Its a choice and I will have to make that choice daily. Even if it might start with a struggle. But it'll all turn out good.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
7 Feb 2011 - Tempted
I think breaking Fast to celebrate is a bad idea.
The intake of sugar immediately messed up my mind.
And once again i face a dip.
I am tempted to seek him out, even though he has very clearly stated that he doesnt want to be associated with me.
I want to seek him out to tell him how sorry I am for having hurt him. And asking for his forgiveness. I cant bear to experience him so angry at me. For thinking that I have "killed" him, just like how Maggie killed Tony in the movie yesterday, cos of her unbelief and her desire for revenge.
He was a simple guy. Who wanted simple stuff. All he wanted was to go back to her home cos he was a vagabond.
I dont know what toulia's deepest desire was. And i know that it was probably the same as mine, but my choices have destroyed that hope.
I cant bear this pain.
Help.
I know I cannot find him.
I know I need to trust in God.
And if I trust in God, I cannot find toulia. No matter how much I want to explain things. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how I want to defend myself. I have to trust God to defend me. And if He hasnt already, then it is no point. I have to let go. I have to let God.
I need to let go.
Jesus is praying for me right now.
God has great plans for me!
It is ok to eat.
God will not punish me just because I broke fast.
He loves me and does not want to see me suffer.
God wants me healed and whole.
He sent Jesus so I can be healed and whole.
Jesus has already done the works.
I AM healed and whole.
God will process all the pain and hurts from my past so I can be free of them.
Regardless of pain, I must trust in Him.
He sent Jesus. What else can I ask for?!
And Jesus willingly died for me. What else can I ask for?!
He could have walked away, but He didnt, just so that I can be saved!
He died for me! He died to save me! He died so I can have healing!
I am now a new creation. I have a new heart.
A heart of love, of compassion.
A heart that allows me to be kind even in the deepest sorrow.
God heals my hurts and pains.
I shall forever worship Him.
the devil has lost!
Hallelujah!
I shall live life happy!
I will rejoice!
The intake of sugar immediately messed up my mind.
And once again i face a dip.
I am tempted to seek him out, even though he has very clearly stated that he doesnt want to be associated with me.
I want to seek him out to tell him how sorry I am for having hurt him. And asking for his forgiveness. I cant bear to experience him so angry at me. For thinking that I have "killed" him, just like how Maggie killed Tony in the movie yesterday, cos of her unbelief and her desire for revenge.
He was a simple guy. Who wanted simple stuff. All he wanted was to go back to her home cos he was a vagabond.
I dont know what toulia's deepest desire was. And i know that it was probably the same as mine, but my choices have destroyed that hope.
I cant bear this pain.
Help.
I know I cannot find him.
I know I need to trust in God.
And if I trust in God, I cannot find toulia. No matter how much I want to explain things. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how I want to defend myself. I have to trust God to defend me. And if He hasnt already, then it is no point. I have to let go. I have to let God.
I need to let go.
Jesus is praying for me right now.
God has great plans for me!
It is ok to eat.
God will not punish me just because I broke fast.
He loves me and does not want to see me suffer.
God wants me healed and whole.
He sent Jesus so I can be healed and whole.
Jesus has already done the works.
I AM healed and whole.
God will process all the pain and hurts from my past so I can be free of them.
Regardless of pain, I must trust in Him.
He sent Jesus. What else can I ask for?!
And Jesus willingly died for me. What else can I ask for?!
He could have walked away, but He didnt, just so that I can be saved!
He died for me! He died to save me! He died so I can have healing!
I am now a new creation. I have a new heart.
A heart of love, of compassion.
A heart that allows me to be kind even in the deepest sorrow.
God heals my hurts and pains.
I shall forever worship Him.
the devil has lost!
Hallelujah!
I shall live life happy!
I will rejoice!
7 Feb 2011 - Revelation
My inability to accept the choices that Toulia had made has caused me pain and hurt.
And I realised that although I have declared that I give my all unto Jesus and that Jesus is the Lord over my life, I have no relinquish that control over to Him yet. That is why I am struggling.
Cos if I have, and I KNOW that He loves me and only has the best plans for me, then I wont be struggling. I wont feel like the will to live is slipping away!
He is my Provider! If my life is in His hands and God hears every pray that He prays and He is on my side and He is my Best Friend, then everything that He prays on my behalf will be answered!
I dont know what God's plans for me are yet. But I know that in time, He will show me. For now, Jesus is praying for me. My trust is in Him! So I dont have to think or worry about anything.
He takes my pain away! He gives me peace! He fulfills the deepest desires that God has placed in my heart.
Thank You Jesus!
Note: Its odd that a shift from leaning in and relying on Jesus changes so much. I dont know why and how, but perhaps cos Jesus physically came to die for me, so I feel a stronger connection and the ability to trust Him than to trust God. And perhaps cos I have something from my past that is in the way of me trusting God, but not Jesus. My friends have always stood by me. And if Jesus is my Best Friend, that means He will always stand by me. Maybe that's why it is easier.
I dont know. But this release is a time for celebration!
Or perhaps Daddy God just wants me to eat :P
Cos I did say i will only break fast when I have some answers. When I have some peace and the pain lifted from my soul!
Regardless, Praise God!
Thank You Jesus!
And I realised that although I have declared that I give my all unto Jesus and that Jesus is the Lord over my life, I have no relinquish that control over to Him yet. That is why I am struggling.
Cos if I have, and I KNOW that He loves me and only has the best plans for me, then I wont be struggling. I wont feel like the will to live is slipping away!
He is my Provider! If my life is in His hands and God hears every pray that He prays and He is on my side and He is my Best Friend, then everything that He prays on my behalf will be answered!
I dont know what God's plans for me are yet. But I know that in time, He will show me. For now, Jesus is praying for me. My trust is in Him! So I dont have to think or worry about anything.
He takes my pain away! He gives me peace! He fulfills the deepest desires that God has placed in my heart.
Thank You Jesus!
Note: Its odd that a shift from leaning in and relying on Jesus changes so much. I dont know why and how, but perhaps cos Jesus physically came to die for me, so I feel a stronger connection and the ability to trust Him than to trust God. And perhaps cos I have something from my past that is in the way of me trusting God, but not Jesus. My friends have always stood by me. And if Jesus is my Best Friend, that means He will always stand by me. Maybe that's why it is easier.
I dont know. But this release is a time for celebration!
Or perhaps Daddy God just wants me to eat :P
Cos I did say i will only break fast when I have some answers. When I have some peace and the pain lifted from my soul!
Regardless, Praise God!
Thank You Jesus!
7 Feb 2011 - Still struggling
4 more months and it will be a year since we split.
Time seem to have passed really fast. But the pain that I am carrying doesnt seem to have grown any less.
I dont know what God has for me. Mentally I know He has great plans. But practically, I am loosing my will to live. The pain is getting overwhelming.
I still cant stop thinking about him. I know that all those memories are the past. I HATE holding on to the past. Why cant i let it go?! I dont want it!
I dont want it cos it is causing me pain.
I see someone with a diamond ring and all i hear is his voice in my head saying "You are not going to get it!"
We were talking about getting married, how to have the celebrations, who to call. How can that turn into a "You are not getting it!"
It was so cruel.
It is so painful. What did I ever do to deserve that. And not even a sorry. No apologies whatsoever that those words had hurt so much.
And to add to it, animosity towards me.
what have i done to deserve that kind of isolation and rejection?
How did something so good turn into something so bad?
What did I do such that he cant remember a good thing that we had and cant see a future for us?
were we so badly matched as he had said?
so many questions, no answers. Just having to accept the choices that someone else made. No control whatsoever over those choices.
I so badly wanted to tell him he is wrong. But I cant. He's made a choice and I have to live with it. there's nothing I can do.
I need to accept, to surrender. Yet i dont know how. I have never given control of my life to anyone.
I know I can trust Jesus and I can give it all unto Him, but how?
How?
Time seem to have passed really fast. But the pain that I am carrying doesnt seem to have grown any less.
I dont know what God has for me. Mentally I know He has great plans. But practically, I am loosing my will to live. The pain is getting overwhelming.
I still cant stop thinking about him. I know that all those memories are the past. I HATE holding on to the past. Why cant i let it go?! I dont want it!
I dont want it cos it is causing me pain.
I see someone with a diamond ring and all i hear is his voice in my head saying "You are not going to get it!"
We were talking about getting married, how to have the celebrations, who to call. How can that turn into a "You are not getting it!"
It was so cruel.
It is so painful. What did I ever do to deserve that. And not even a sorry. No apologies whatsoever that those words had hurt so much.
And to add to it, animosity towards me.
what have i done to deserve that kind of isolation and rejection?
How did something so good turn into something so bad?
What did I do such that he cant remember a good thing that we had and cant see a future for us?
were we so badly matched as he had said?
so many questions, no answers. Just having to accept the choices that someone else made. No control whatsoever over those choices.
I so badly wanted to tell him he is wrong. But I cant. He's made a choice and I have to live with it. there's nothing I can do.
I need to accept, to surrender. Yet i dont know how. I have never given control of my life to anyone.
I know I can trust Jesus and I can give it all unto Him, but how?
How?
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