1 April 2011 - What's Normalcy?

As I ask all the questions I did to Sandra, I wonder what being normal meant?

I have been in and out of relationships since I was 14. It was kinda part of me. Part of my life. Part of what life meant. It didnt matter that my relationships were short. Most of the ones I was in when I was younger, I left the guy. And it didnt matter. Or so I thought.

The more damaging relationships seem to be the ones when I was older, after I got sexually active. That's when the damage started. Or so I think. I dont know anymore.

I dont know when it start but, I do know that when someone leaves me, I have the belief that I did something wrong. I never considered the fact that people make choices and sometimes not all choices are well-made and hurt others. I always believed that I would be able to "control" a person's choice and when they did not choose the choice that I wanted, which was me, or rather to be with me, I got upset.

I felt that I wasnt good enough. that's why people chose not to be with me.

Perhaps there's also another believe that hurts me. which is that people should only get into a relationship if they are ready to commit. And of cos that's not always the case. Most of the time, we are lonely and feel that we should have someone.

As much as being attached was normalcy to me, I need to learn to be single and independent. And not desire so desparately to be with someone. And that if I was not with anyone, it was OK.

I dont know how I am going to do this, but I know that it has to be done.

Oh Lord help me!

And as I thought about my situation, I realised that Melinda was probably facing the same thing. She might never realise it as it might never have been her path to know. But whatever it is, God has shown me that she is just as broken as I am. And so is Toulia. He too probably never knew what it was like to be "normal" and not constantly need someone. I'm sure the both of them felt a strong need to have someone. Well, if they are a match, then good for them. It is not God's plan for me. No matter how hard I fight, it's never gona happen. So better not to fight but to surrender.

Oh Holy Spirit help me!!!

31 March 2011 - I am not who others say I am or whom I'm with

After all the questions I asked today, the point still came down to my self-worth.
I had issues with not being attached, not having a family, like the rest of my friends.

And God's words comes to mind - to NOT look to the world's standards but His.
And He says that I am righteous, I am perfect, He is happy with me just the way I am, regardless of whether I am attached or not.

Sandra pointed out that perhaps I have always been attached. And it is rather interesting. I look back and realised that I have almost always been attached - since 14. Since Joel! I have never quite NOT had a bf or someone. Even during the 3 years after I broke up with Zak, I ended up with Rayner and Tricia and all the sorts, so it was not a full 3 year being alone!

I think this is the longest time I am alone! And I am still questioning alot of things.

The world tells me heaps!
If I am not with someone by a certain age, no family by a certain age, something is wrong with me. But God says I am perfect!

He knows when it is best to bless me with a relationship, with a family of my own.

I am trying to depend on having someone to lighten my burdens - financially, emotionally, everything!

But that's not God's plans for me. He wants me to lean into Him, rely on Him!

Wow... this is not easy, but this is definitely doable!

I just have to stop judging myself based on what I have, whom I have and what I do. My value is based on who Jesus is, and what He did and what God has done!

May the Holy Spirit constantly remind me of it!!!

23 March 2011 - Alone

Lately I feel so alone. And feel that that is just what life is about. Alone.

I have been there for many. Yet I dont feel that many have been there for me when I needed them. Perhaps cos I have been there for many so they think that I am strong and I dont need anyone.

I am not. I have just learnt to cope cos I have been greatly disappointed by many before. Many have broken their promises to me. And I have learnt that promises are not made to be kept but broken.

Just like T.

23 March 2011 - all had been well. all will be well

I must be going through tests.

First I see him at Color. A place where he would be least expected to turn up at.

then whilst searching for rachel's email, i find 2 of his emails. they were so sweet. so kind.
and that was just in sept and nov.

how did things change so drastically? april he was still singing praises of me.
its just a matter of 2 - 3 weeks.

and now he's going out with someone he thought the total opposite of.

when i said i need more grace, he said it was either i had it or i didnt. and i had it. and now he's just ..... gone.

i'm trying so hard to move on, to get over this. but i am constantly reminded of him.

this life really feels so empty. so painful.

dont want anymore deals.
dont wana stay here anymore.
just wana go home.

11 March 2011 - I am so WOWed!

Couldnt stop crying today on the train.
There were some thoughts that came to my mind. I'm not sure if it was the Holy Spirit speaking with me. I reckon it was.

He said:-
- My life has been different from the rest of my friends, cos I am unique and have been called to Him. To do His work.
Cos I was just thinking how come none of my friends have the revelations and knowledge that I had. They were simple women who are but mothers and wife now. They dont seem to face the issues that I face, be it money, personal or relational. To me, they've had it easy. They believe in God and pray to Him and obviously do hear from Him. But I wont dare say that they hear from Him in the same intensity.
=> That struck a chord with me, cos I felt chosen, picked. And there was just overwhelming love. It was not sadness that drove me to tears but sheer joy. Indescribable joy.

I had a vision:-
- I was having a discussion with friends and I stood out amongst them cos the things I were saying were more radical that they could accept.
Not everyone seems to understand and have that revelation of what I have seen/understood. They "get it" yet I can see that they dont! And I am sad! Sad cos there is no one else to share in my joy! I feel so alone. Sad cos I have experienced the beauty of it all, His beauty, His wonder! And I so wish those close to me, all whom I know, to experience it, yet I dont know how to cause it to happen! :(
=> I was called. May not be a ministry like Joyce Meyer or Christine Cain or any of the pastors. But the way I lived my life. The way I carried my beliefs, THAT would have a huge impact on the people around me.
I was made different. I dare to speak up and speak my mind and stand unfaltering even when challenged. I can see that that strength came form God. So that He can call me to do the work that He has.

My salvation was just part of His great plans.
My favour and blessing is just a bonus from being called to do His work.
My suffering is to grow me, so I can have a revelation. He who is forgiven much loves much.

I dont know about forgiven much. But I know I have been loved much! I just feel so underserved, yet He has made me more than what I thought I was. And I know that there is so much more!

I dont know if the rest of my friends in bible college had the same revelation. I sure hope they did. But I know not everyone who attends bible college is called to do His work.

I struggle with the material of the world - to provide for myself. But I need to trust in God that He will provide for me. So no more worries. When it comes, just cast it on Him!

Even if He doesnt change my immediate circumstances, He will provide. He will bring me through the situation and I will come out of it stronger, closer to Him, and cleaner.

hmmm why did that word come to mind? Cleaner...

well, I am being purified in the flames of God isnt it? He is cleansing me of all the impurities that was built up in this world isnt it?

God is amazing.
I love Him, cos He first love me.
Suddenly I have a glimpse of this truth. I never got it before, but now, slowly, I see a glimpse of the magnificence of it.

Praise God!

Amen!

7 March 2011 - Help

For some reason, I am really angry today. I am feeling miserable. And I hate it!
I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to live in the PEACE that Christ had left for me!

So what's the problem?

I feel like a looser.
I feel useless.
I feel unwanted.
I feel hopeless!
I feel betrayed!


And I've been down this path before!
its stupid!
the gal was the one who recognised that he was not good enough for me, yet she's now gone after him!
and me recognising that he had issues and was unable to give me what i deserved, she's actually picking up after me!
coveteousness is a sin!

and she's taking what i "didnt want".

And of cos the devil is going to come along and tell me that i'm the looser. cos i am the one who is not attached. but with all the issues that he has which he refuses to deal with, that's not good for me!
yes i love him, problems and all. but that does not mean that i should settle for less! he needs to be willing to work out his issues!
and the devil is very clever to let me know how i have been unvalued just cos he has chosen to date someone else. well, he still has not looked at his issues! so if someone is willing to settle for less, then so be it.

i am not!
not cos i have high standards and all, but i really do deserve more!
i want stability!
i want to be loved!
i want a normal family, not a dysfunctional one like the one he has. i already have one. i dont need 2 or worse - 3!

i want a stable guy. with good relations with his parents and siblings. not anger and hatred or bitterness. and be able to see that when he is annoyed and irritated, there is an issue there and it is not his parents or siblings but him.

presumptuous attitude!

geesh... wasted half the day cos of the devil. bugger...

at least i have the rest of the day to enjoy!

6 March 2011 - Longing

I feel like this journey is so alone. I wish I could have someone with me but I feel that they would never understand. I've shared with many but they r so far from knowing what I'm Goin through n what God is speaking to me about.

I duno how to do this.

And as Jo talked bout connect group leaders and how they should be like, my heart was tearing apart. I felt so hopeless. I feel so disconnected tho I am surrounded by people. :(
I hope that I'll do what God wants me to do- in His ministry n as a Cg leader when He places me up there.

Right now I really yearn to learn from "the best". Not that others are not good enough. Just that we are all on a journey and some have made it further and know bit more. I want to know more too!

I want to do the right thing. I want to do what God has for me. I wana walk in His will and not my own!

I'm really thankful for the time Emily spent with me. It just made such a difference listening to what she had to share. I don't often connect with her and don't expect that she takes me as her best friend but I'm really thankful for the friendship when she does have that time of day for me. Really think it's a God thing.

Daddy, give me the strength. No. Give me the revelation of Your love for me, and a deeper revelation of what it means to be Your child. Teach me hoe to use the gifts and talents You have given me to serve You better! Help me to live for You. Give me a revelation of what that means and what I am prayin for.

Reveal Yourself to me God.

I really want to know You at a deeper level. Prepare me for it and unveil my eyes! Let me see Your ways. Let me see Your will. Let me see You!
Thank You for Jesus and His finished works.
Amen!

P/s: Emily interpreted my dream as God asking me to stop and just wait. This would be in line with what God had been saying- Be still.
I'm not sure but I'll let God speak to me Nd into my life.

4 March 2011 - I stuffed up

After days of "not dealing" with the situation, cos its "none of my business", finally, I've come face to face with the fact that I had messed up. I stuffed up. And now he is gone.

The blame is no longer on him, on the choices he made. Regardless of the choices he made, I loved him. Yes he was selfish. Yes he is immature. And no, I dont want a man who will walk out on me cos he cant persevere and want the quick way out. But the fact is I loved this guy and I guess still do.

Little memories start creeping in. I was able to shove them aside for awhile. But now I'm just too tired. I am upset. And I really miss him. And I really wished that I was the one who would be able to be at events with him rather than her. Bear Grills. Its one of his favourite programs.

I have no one else to blame. I have stuffed up. And I can only rely on God's grace and forgiveness. To provide another for me. To craddle me in His arms and tell me everything will be ok. To heal my broken heart and my brokenness.

I really wish he would come back.

*cries*

2 March 2011 - Being used

I think I was used by God today to minister to my friend. I'm not sure.
I dont feel any sense of power and hope that I have not done things according to my own insight and wisdom.
I pray that God gives her the wisdom to discern what has been said.

I will do what is right and let God do the rest.
I didnt feel any "special" power/feeling when speaking to her.

I just hope that she has a deeper revelation of God.
I think it is easy to speak to people about God and Jesus.
But it is difficult to have them trust God's character, especially in the midst of a trial.
I went through that myself too. And who am I?
I still struggle - with God's goodness. With who I am.

What makes me think that i can change others?!

I will just be obedient cos that's what God would want me to. :)