Damn I hate my emotions. Why am I born a woman? This emotional fluctuation is so hard to control. I feel my flesh throwing such a huge tantrum! I feel like bashing myself against the wall to just teach it a lesson to shutup!
My head is filled with thoughts busting to be released on Facebook or the blog or in my conversations with God and I detest it cos none of it is positive. They are all full if fears and worries and regret and guilt!
I hate them.
Lies from the devil. All lies. Yet still for a very short time I believed in them. Damn it. I have not felt this way in some time. Why is it happening again?!
My body feels so uncomfortable. Feels like something is wanting to burst out of my skin. It's just pushing against my skin and throbbing against the back of my head! Is this how it feels like to have the body and soul throwing a tantrum? And me refusing to give it time of day n refusing to let it out?!
I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. He knows what's best for me- job, friends, and life partner.
Yet I can't help hearing the thoughts of regret, guilt, pounding away at my head. I fight to throw it out the window only to find it returning like a boomerang.
When will I be well and stable?
I KNOW that one day I will be well and emotionally stable. But qn is when?! It seems like eternity that I have been suffering from this.
I have not only hurt the ones I love but I have further deepened the wounds others have caused to me. I keep ripping open the healing scab of my wounds in my own striving to have it heal faster. Only to realize there is no one else who can help me other than God and what I must do is to rest at His feet.
Yet I still do what I know I shouldn't do.
I desire sympathy. But where am I going to get it from? A human? There is only so much a human can do and can give. Yet I do what I already know is stupid.
When will I learn?
This has already cost me much. How much more do I have to pay?! It sounds ridiculous cos I am telling everyone, especially the new christians, the people who need encouragement; that Jesus already bore all their sicknesses and diseases yet I allow the devil to make me pay! The debt has been paid! I am a free woman! Why do I not live my life free?!
Argh... Sigh...
I wish I knew the answers.
Ben only wishes for a companion who shares His beliefs and passion about God.
I want more. Though I have my list of must haves and wants; what I want most is someone to do the journey of life with me. Someone who can love me and accept me as I am- baggage n all. And support me through the tough times.
I have no doubts I will support my partner through the tough times. I have wen there n done that. Too many times. But sadly no one has been willing to sacrifice for me and do that for me.
Makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I'm not valuable. Nice again, another lie from the devil yet I so willingly take it in with both ears and let those words pierce my heart. How long more?!
No! No more!! Time to stop. But how?
Hopefully what Joyce had recommended in her sermon will work. N I need the discipline to get it going. Seems like life is getting more boring by the day. Early night, early morning. Spend time and more time in God's words. Do not speak to everyone about my problems.
Well, I guess if I am to be used by God and in ministry to raise leaders then I need to do whatever I can right? The condition I am in pretty much is useless to God! How can He use someone like me? Emotional, full of baggages, and afraid of being hurt.
I'm going to be around people. How can I be afraid of being hurt? It's bound to happen! Who am I kidding?!
I wish God will send someone to take this journey with me. Like Lisa n Joyce. They had a husband who saw them through the hard times. I have no one.
Perhaps cos every time God sends someone as support I grip unto the person, relying on the person for everything. When God is the only one I can rely on.
I know all of these yet I still fall. I still fail. I know I will keep going through this until I pass the test. Yet I still let my flesh throw the tantrums n control me n affect my behaviour.
Sigh
I need Your grace Lord. I cannot so this alone. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot do this with my own strength.
And I am really sick n tired of You taking people away from me because I keep failing the test and leaning on them.
Help me stop it please.
You said I am an overcomer. I am more than a conqueror. So all these emotions n thoughts n tantrums should bow at my feet shouldn't they?
I don't care. Even though I don't see it yet, by faith I declare that my emotions and thoughts are already bowing at my feet. My actions are led and guided and directed by You.
I will walk in Peace. I will not open my mouth to anyone unless You give me the peace to do so. God, this is a hard one so You really have to be with me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
19 May 2011 - Its now all Yours God!
I have done what I can and said what I can say. i have been as open and honest as I can, without trying to defend my behaviour or blame anyone for it.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
19 May 2011 - Enough!
I refuse to be slave to my emotions and my thoughts any longer.
I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.
God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(
Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.
I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.
Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.
I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.
But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.
I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.
If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!
God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.
amen!
I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.
God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(
Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.
I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.
Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.
I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.
But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.
I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.
If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!
God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.
amen!
18 May 2011 - Let it go
Obviously I have stuffed up again cos Ben is so not talking to me.
I dun have to wait till end of the month. I'm letting it go right now already. No more msging him. No more checking whatsapp. No more hoping he will contact me.
I will move on. He apparently has. All he said bout not letting me go this time and having the patience n all... Lies. I won't even bother contacting him when I get back to SG.
This is the end.
Lord harden my heart and help me let go.
I dun have to wait till end of the month. I'm letting it go right now already. No more msging him. No more checking whatsapp. No more hoping he will contact me.
I will move on. He apparently has. All he said bout not letting me go this time and having the patience n all... Lies. I won't even bother contacting him when I get back to SG.
This is the end.
Lord harden my heart and help me let go.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
18 May 2011 - I miss him
Is he a rebound again?
Or am I his rebound?
He hasnt called or texted since that standoff yesterday morning.
Is he angry with me? Did he find the whole drama too much for his liking? Or is he just purely too busy to think about anything as he said before. I dont know. I am not in SG.
Even if I was, I probably wouldnt know either.
His fb is not the best gauge. i cant tell who he is from his fb. It doesnt say much. In fact what it says terrifies me. It seems to show a different person to whom I converse with on the phone. The person on the phone sounds more like the Ben I know. The Ben on fb seems to be a totally different person to who I know.
When Ben came back into my life, it seemed like a prayer answered. But I really dont know. And I guess only time can tell. And that means patience. That means waiting. Waiting for God to confirm. Waiting for Ben to prove that he is what he says he is - committed and unwilling to let me go and able to put up with me and handle me.
If this relationship is from God, then God will move. He will confirm. Even if nothing is starting yet, He will give me a confirmation. And the confirmation I have asked for is for Ben to get in contact with me before the end of May. Its already the 18th. Which means, less than 2 weeks. Yet the wait seems so far away. I really wish he would call now.
But I guess, if I dont wait, I'll never know if he is the one.
Why do I like him so much even though we have not met in 13 years? I dont know much about him and how he is, yet I am drawn to him. Why? How?
Is he drawn to me too?
Has he been thinking about me?
Are we a good match? He is brand conscious now (cant remember if he was before) but I am far from being brand conscious.
Is yiling right that we shouldnt get together? Or is that from the devil? I dont know. I only know that I can only trust God and if God doesnt bring him back into my life, then I really have to let it go and walk away.
I really wish that he was here.
I miss his voice. i miss the attention I was getting too. Maybe that was what I was attracted to, not Ben. I dont know. :(
God help me.
Or am I his rebound?
He hasnt called or texted since that standoff yesterday morning.
Is he angry with me? Did he find the whole drama too much for his liking? Or is he just purely too busy to think about anything as he said before. I dont know. I am not in SG.
Even if I was, I probably wouldnt know either.
His fb is not the best gauge. i cant tell who he is from his fb. It doesnt say much. In fact what it says terrifies me. It seems to show a different person to whom I converse with on the phone. The person on the phone sounds more like the Ben I know. The Ben on fb seems to be a totally different person to who I know.
When Ben came back into my life, it seemed like a prayer answered. But I really dont know. And I guess only time can tell. And that means patience. That means waiting. Waiting for God to confirm. Waiting for Ben to prove that he is what he says he is - committed and unwilling to let me go and able to put up with me and handle me.
If this relationship is from God, then God will move. He will confirm. Even if nothing is starting yet, He will give me a confirmation. And the confirmation I have asked for is for Ben to get in contact with me before the end of May. Its already the 18th. Which means, less than 2 weeks. Yet the wait seems so far away. I really wish he would call now.
But I guess, if I dont wait, I'll never know if he is the one.
Why do I like him so much even though we have not met in 13 years? I dont know much about him and how he is, yet I am drawn to him. Why? How?
Is he drawn to me too?
Has he been thinking about me?
Are we a good match? He is brand conscious now (cant remember if he was before) but I am far from being brand conscious.
Is yiling right that we shouldnt get together? Or is that from the devil? I dont know. I only know that I can only trust God and if God doesnt bring him back into my life, then I really have to let it go and walk away.
I really wish that he was here.
I miss his voice. i miss the attention I was getting too. Maybe that was what I was attracted to, not Ben. I dont know. :(
God help me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
17 May 2011 - I've lost him
I know I told God I surrender this to Him and that I only want what He wants for me. So if Ben is not what He wants for me, then I will NOT get upset about the current situation.
Seems like I have lost him. Either he is angry with me or he is really busy. He has not been texting me at all. I am upset. But I know that for this to happen, God knows best.
He promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows His thoughts and plans for me. Thoughts and plans not for evil but for hope in my final outcome (amp)
And I trust God that He is sovereign.
Eph 1:4 says that I was called and chosen even before the creation of the world.
Eph 1:11 says that I have been chosen and appointed beforehand in accordance to His will.
And
Eph 1:18 asks me to know and understand the hope which He has called me
I shall trust God to direct my paths and keep me safe. He knows when's best. If Ben is the one, then regardless of what we face now, we will still end up together. Otherwise God will have someone else.
Sensing that Ben might be the one does not mean that it will happen instantly. Relationships take time to forge.
If Ben is the one, he will eventually contact me again.
i just have to care as a friend does. if it happens, it happens. who knows... ben might not be the one. there might be someone else!
although i am thankful for what's happening now, so i do not get hurt. i can pull back on my emotions.
whatever it is, my trust is in God. And I want what God wants for me. Not what I want. And I know that I want Ben NOW!
but i dont think that is wise. Its best I keep to original plan and stick to being single for now.
I am disappointed that he cannot make the time to come over in July. how can he then be able to sell everything and come over end of the year?
how naive and gullible i am.
Seems like I have lost him. Either he is angry with me or he is really busy. He has not been texting me at all. I am upset. But I know that for this to happen, God knows best.
He promised in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows His thoughts and plans for me. Thoughts and plans not for evil but for hope in my final outcome (amp)
And I trust God that He is sovereign.
Eph 1:4 says that I was called and chosen even before the creation of the world.
Eph 1:11 says that I have been chosen and appointed beforehand in accordance to His will.
And
Eph 1:18 asks me to know and understand the hope which He has called me
I shall trust God to direct my paths and keep me safe. He knows when's best. If Ben is the one, then regardless of what we face now, we will still end up together. Otherwise God will have someone else.
Sensing that Ben might be the one does not mean that it will happen instantly. Relationships take time to forge.
If Ben is the one, he will eventually contact me again.
i just have to care as a friend does. if it happens, it happens. who knows... ben might not be the one. there might be someone else!
although i am thankful for what's happening now, so i do not get hurt. i can pull back on my emotions.
whatever it is, my trust is in God. And I want what God wants for me. Not what I want. And I know that I want Ben NOW!
but i dont think that is wise. Its best I keep to original plan and stick to being single for now.
I am disappointed that he cannot make the time to come over in July. how can he then be able to sell everything and come over end of the year?
how naive and gullible i am.
17 May 2011 - The pill
I totally did not like the feeling of being on the anti-depressant. I felt like I had heaps of coffee. my skin was crawling. my head and back of neck was cold. it was awful.
i felt like throwing up. i couldnt eat. nothing i ate could satisfy me or fill me. I couldnt even sleep it off. my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt so depressed i wanted to end my life, yet i felt a certain amount of "peace". i had knowledge that i had a flood of emotions, yet i felt all other emotions except the flood of emotions. it was such a weird feeling.
i swore not to continue it. and my medication was only 10mg and i had such huge reactions.
yet last night and this morn, when i realised that i am nothing to ben at the moment, i didnt feel a thing. in fact i felt peaceful. i think the medication was still working. cos i felt a faster than normal heart beat still. i felt so tired. i didnt wana do anything. so tired. so lethargic.
out of the blue, at around 930am, suddenly a rush of emotions came in. fear settled in my heart. i couldnt even figure out what i was fearful about. i just felt it grip my heart. i felt kinda dizzy. i wanted out. i felt the downward spiral. it was crazy.
i dont know. perhaps i will just take 5mg and see how it goes. i cant afford this dip in emotions. i cant let fear grip my heart. i'll talk to allan about it first. see what his experience was.
i felt like throwing up. i couldnt eat. nothing i ate could satisfy me or fill me. I couldnt even sleep it off. my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt so depressed i wanted to end my life, yet i felt a certain amount of "peace". i had knowledge that i had a flood of emotions, yet i felt all other emotions except the flood of emotions. it was such a weird feeling.
i swore not to continue it. and my medication was only 10mg and i had such huge reactions.
yet last night and this morn, when i realised that i am nothing to ben at the moment, i didnt feel a thing. in fact i felt peaceful. i think the medication was still working. cos i felt a faster than normal heart beat still. i felt so tired. i didnt wana do anything. so tired. so lethargic.
out of the blue, at around 930am, suddenly a rush of emotions came in. fear settled in my heart. i couldnt even figure out what i was fearful about. i just felt it grip my heart. i felt kinda dizzy. i wanted out. i felt the downward spiral. it was crazy.
i dont know. perhaps i will just take 5mg and see how it goes. i cant afford this dip in emotions. i cant let fear grip my heart. i'll talk to allan about it first. see what his experience was.
17 May 2011 - Angry
you say that your facebook is only for entertaining.
Yet you can stay up late to post photos and wake up early in the morn 6am to like and comment on a photo.
You are full of shit.
I am angry and pissed off. you misled me. from the things that you said. From the terms that you used.
you are NOT the man of God I am looking for. you are not honest. I correct that. when questioned, you are honest.
i think you are confused. and you have caused confusion in my life as a result of that too.
Praise God that He has helped me to step away from all of this. you are not ready.
you change too fast.
you started pursuing me and then now suddenly you get cold feet and drop me. geesh.. what fun.
you wana start slow cos of the distance, you should have started slow. i didnt need to know of your intentions to be my bf. you didnt have to tell me. but of cos. you are still mortal. you are not perfect. i forgive you for that. and i thank God for opening my eyes.
i'm cool that you want to go slow. you want us to be just friends first.
but after this whole drama, can we still be friends? i dont know.
if God be, i guess we will.
i surrender all of this to God.
amen.
Yet you can stay up late to post photos and wake up early in the morn 6am to like and comment on a photo.
You are full of shit.
I am angry and pissed off. you misled me. from the things that you said. From the terms that you used.
you are NOT the man of God I am looking for. you are not honest. I correct that. when questioned, you are honest.
i think you are confused. and you have caused confusion in my life as a result of that too.
Praise God that He has helped me to step away from all of this. you are not ready.
you change too fast.
you started pursuing me and then now suddenly you get cold feet and drop me. geesh.. what fun.
you wana start slow cos of the distance, you should have started slow. i didnt need to know of your intentions to be my bf. you didnt have to tell me. but of cos. you are still mortal. you are not perfect. i forgive you for that. and i thank God for opening my eyes.
i'm cool that you want to go slow. you want us to be just friends first.
but after this whole drama, can we still be friends? i dont know.
if God be, i guess we will.
i surrender all of this to God.
amen.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
16 May 2011 - Root of Rejection
I cant figure out why it matters so much to me that I am liked. And why it hurts so much when I perceive that I am not wanted/rejected.
I am useless in this state. I feel so pathetic having to take the anti-depressant pills. God gave me the strength and power to overcome all things yet I cant even deal with tiny matters of the will power.
I feel so sick from the pills. And all I can see if my hovering over a dustbin, crying my eyes out, cos I feel awfully sick from the medication. And I am all alone.
How did I get here? This is not the Carol that I know. She was strong. She was a fighter. Now all I see is a weak fragile person who hardly has the will to live. How did I let the enemy get so close to wiping me out?
I dont have anyone to turn to. I know that God is the one I need to turn to. But what does that mean? i've prayed over and over again, yet I just need 1 person to reject me and I break.
I feel embarrassed. I feel so useless. I cant even cope with the simple skill of accepting other's decisions. Its a choice they make. I dont have to be liked by everyone. And not everyone that I like will like me back. So what's wrong with me? Why cant I handle simple things like this?
Why do I keep thinking that Ben is not interested? Why must it be negative. He has already said he will come. Why do I have to push him an further away?
Why does my existence rely so much on him? It shouldnt yet it seems to be that way. Its so unhealthy. Yet I am doing it and I dont know why and I dont know any other way.
This sucks!
I am useless in this state. I feel so pathetic having to take the anti-depressant pills. God gave me the strength and power to overcome all things yet I cant even deal with tiny matters of the will power.
I feel so sick from the pills. And all I can see if my hovering over a dustbin, crying my eyes out, cos I feel awfully sick from the medication. And I am all alone.
How did I get here? This is not the Carol that I know. She was strong. She was a fighter. Now all I see is a weak fragile person who hardly has the will to live. How did I let the enemy get so close to wiping me out?
I dont have anyone to turn to. I know that God is the one I need to turn to. But what does that mean? i've prayed over and over again, yet I just need 1 person to reject me and I break.
I feel embarrassed. I feel so useless. I cant even cope with the simple skill of accepting other's decisions. Its a choice they make. I dont have to be liked by everyone. And not everyone that I like will like me back. So what's wrong with me? Why cant I handle simple things like this?
Why do I keep thinking that Ben is not interested? Why must it be negative. He has already said he will come. Why do I have to push him an further away?
Why does my existence rely so much on him? It shouldnt yet it seems to be that way. Its so unhealthy. Yet I am doing it and I dont know why and I dont know any other way.
This sucks!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
15 May 2011 - Authority over all things
Woke up with tummy ache. Had diarrhea. So dun feel like serving.
But suddenly in service I was just overcome with this sense of conference and faith!
Assurance that I have all authority over all things. Eg my tummy and the toxins in my body.
As well as my emotions and the "fluctuations". I have all authority n control over it cos Jesus is the Lord over my life. I have all authority over my life. If I don't even have authority over my life how am I goin to have authority in other areas?!
So no. It is non-negotiable. I have authority over my mind and my thoughts. I will throw out all negative thoughts that come to steal my peace n joy regarding Ben n my life. God knows who is best for me. God knows when it's best for me. And I WILL learn to be patient and wait. If Ben is the one, God will bring him to me. If he changes his mind then hr isn't the one.
And I will NOT think bout the worries that plague me bout Ben. I will trust in the Lord. My Daddy God loves me.
I am His Beloved! He will look after me. He leads me and guides me. I WILL sit by the STILL waters He leads me to lie down by.
Amen!
But suddenly in service I was just overcome with this sense of conference and faith!
Assurance that I have all authority over all things. Eg my tummy and the toxins in my body.
As well as my emotions and the "fluctuations". I have all authority n control over it cos Jesus is the Lord over my life. I have all authority over my life. If I don't even have authority over my life how am I goin to have authority in other areas?!
So no. It is non-negotiable. I have authority over my mind and my thoughts. I will throw out all negative thoughts that come to steal my peace n joy regarding Ben n my life. God knows who is best for me. God knows when it's best for me. And I WILL learn to be patient and wait. If Ben is the one, God will bring him to me. If he changes his mind then hr isn't the one.
And I will NOT think bout the worries that plague me bout Ben. I will trust in the Lord. My Daddy God loves me.
I am His Beloved! He will look after me. He leads me and guides me. I WILL sit by the STILL waters He leads me to lie down by.
Amen!
14 May 2011 - Words can never be enough
Words can't express how I feel or what I want to say. This fluctuating emotion doesn't help either.
There is so much I Wana ask, so much I Wana say to Ben yet I don't know how.
His interest in me is already flattering. How could it be? After all these years?
Yet how much of what he said was a joke? Was to disturb me? It would be a very cruel thing he is doing if he were joking all this while, whether for jest or just to fill his time.
He's so busy these few weeks. how do I ask him to set time aside so we can talk?
His love language is definitely not quality time. If it were he would find time for me.
I am so scared. How do I tell Ben? What do I say? I don't even know what I fear! There are a million and one thoughts!
What if he is not who I think he is? What if my attraction to him was based on the imagination that w as running wild from my previous experience with him? What if I was attracted cos we dated before and there were emotional and sexual ties that were not severed?!?! What if what if what if....
But they are all true.
What if he comes here and finds something he doesn't like? Will he regret his decision and give up?
He said lovely things. Such as he will not give up on me this time, that he will not let me go this time. All sounds great yet no action has been taken. He has not asked me to be in a relationship with him. Just calls me endearing names. Not that I do not like the sound of it. Just that I would like to be asked formally. But how do I say that to him?!?!
It kills me each time he talks about his parents- how worried he is about them. How frail and aging they are. I don't know how to respond. Cos my heart hurts so much. I can almost imagine him throwing up his hands and saying he gives up.
In fact that exactly what he said- that he will give up a good wife if he has to choose between the gal n the parents.
It's not like I want to replace the place his parents has in his heart. But I'm so afraid that that will cause the relationship not to work out.
He asked how come I can allow my parents to be in SG whilst they are so old.
Me being in SG is not going to change a thing. Life goes on. my parents will still grow old. They still can take care of themselves. When they can't I'll find a way to. But I can't be there for them 24/7. But I duno if he understands that. I doubt it.
So what do I do Daddy? What can I do?!
My heart aches yet I know not what to say. I want to be so close yet I want to be so far cos I dun Wana hurt. Is this supposed to be this way? Are relationships supposed to cause so much pain and trauma?
Help me Lord. Help me!
There is so much I Wana ask, so much I Wana say to Ben yet I don't know how.
His interest in me is already flattering. How could it be? After all these years?
Yet how much of what he said was a joke? Was to disturb me? It would be a very cruel thing he is doing if he were joking all this while, whether for jest or just to fill his time.
He's so busy these few weeks. how do I ask him to set time aside so we can talk?
His love language is definitely not quality time. If it were he would find time for me.
I am so scared. How do I tell Ben? What do I say? I don't even know what I fear! There are a million and one thoughts!
What if he is not who I think he is? What if my attraction to him was based on the imagination that w as running wild from my previous experience with him? What if I was attracted cos we dated before and there were emotional and sexual ties that were not severed?!?! What if what if what if....
But they are all true.
What if he comes here and finds something he doesn't like? Will he regret his decision and give up?
He said lovely things. Such as he will not give up on me this time, that he will not let me go this time. All sounds great yet no action has been taken. He has not asked me to be in a relationship with him. Just calls me endearing names. Not that I do not like the sound of it. Just that I would like to be asked formally. But how do I say that to him?!?!
It kills me each time he talks about his parents- how worried he is about them. How frail and aging they are. I don't know how to respond. Cos my heart hurts so much. I can almost imagine him throwing up his hands and saying he gives up.
In fact that exactly what he said- that he will give up a good wife if he has to choose between the gal n the parents.
It's not like I want to replace the place his parents has in his heart. But I'm so afraid that that will cause the relationship not to work out.
He asked how come I can allow my parents to be in SG whilst they are so old.
Me being in SG is not going to change a thing. Life goes on. my parents will still grow old. They still can take care of themselves. When they can't I'll find a way to. But I can't be there for them 24/7. But I duno if he understands that. I doubt it.
So what do I do Daddy? What can I do?!
My heart aches yet I know not what to say. I want to be so close yet I want to be so far cos I dun Wana hurt. Is this supposed to be this way? Are relationships supposed to cause so much pain and trauma?
Help me Lord. Help me!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
12 May 2011 - I stuff up again
He's not talking to me. It hurts. Why?
How did I get so emotionally attached so quickly? Odd.
I have to focus on God's words. Not my emotions.
If I really believe that he is God's plans for me, then I have to allow God to bring him to me. And not try to make it happen.
But this emotional attachment is spoiling things. Its causing issues. I cant behave properly.
Help!
I need to manage this.
God has helped me deal with my attitudes and beliefs so I am less angry.
Now its this insecurity.
I run whenever I perceive that I will be hurt.
I run when I face the unknown - like reading the stuff ben posted on his fb, I feel like I dont know him, which I guess is true to a certain extend and I panic. And I ran. That panic caused th muscles around my heart to clench. And I perceive the possibility of pain and hurt and I run.
Why? What caused this? It has to stop!
Why do I have such strong reactions to emotional pain? How can I overcome it?
God, I know You are dealing with it. That's why it has come up. So that I will not fall over it again. This I give thanks.
I dont want to lie. I dont want to hide. I just want to be me.
Daddy, I have fallen for Ben or at least the perception of him that I have. I love that persona of stability. I love that he says he wants me with him all the time. i love how he says he wants kids immediately. i love how he believes that he has the patience to deal with me.
Now is the test. To see if he is what he says. That he will not let me go. That he will not give up.
But from his messages, I think he is gone. I dont know. I dont want him to go.
But I have stuffed up again....
Daddy, please cover me... may You have mercy and may Your grace cover my mistakes.
Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for disappointing You.
Thank You for loving me. Thank You for continuing to change me and refine me.
I accept it all Lord.
Thank You.
How did I get so emotionally attached so quickly? Odd.
I have to focus on God's words. Not my emotions.
If I really believe that he is God's plans for me, then I have to allow God to bring him to me. And not try to make it happen.
But this emotional attachment is spoiling things. Its causing issues. I cant behave properly.
Help!
I need to manage this.
God has helped me deal with my attitudes and beliefs so I am less angry.
Now its this insecurity.
I run whenever I perceive that I will be hurt.
I run when I face the unknown - like reading the stuff ben posted on his fb, I feel like I dont know him, which I guess is true to a certain extend and I panic. And I ran. That panic caused th muscles around my heart to clench. And I perceive the possibility of pain and hurt and I run.
Why? What caused this? It has to stop!
Why do I have such strong reactions to emotional pain? How can I overcome it?
God, I know You are dealing with it. That's why it has come up. So that I will not fall over it again. This I give thanks.
I dont want to lie. I dont want to hide. I just want to be me.
Daddy, I have fallen for Ben or at least the perception of him that I have. I love that persona of stability. I love that he says he wants me with him all the time. i love how he says he wants kids immediately. i love how he believes that he has the patience to deal with me.
Now is the test. To see if he is what he says. That he will not let me go. That he will not give up.
But from his messages, I think he is gone. I dont know. I dont want him to go.
But I have stuffed up again....
Daddy, please cover me... may You have mercy and may Your grace cover my mistakes.
Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for disappointing You.
Thank You for loving me. Thank You for continuing to change me and refine me.
I accept it all Lord.
Thank You.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
11 May 2011 - Torn
It is Well with my soul is playing in the background, but that is not what I feel.
Once again I wonder if I am being tested, in my faith with regards to God's providence.
I get it that He gave me the apartment and that if He wanted me to go back to SG, He will provide the funds and avenues to make things work. It wont be up to me or Ben to make it happen. Ben does not have to give me a plan. God provides. I just need support from Ben and confirmation.
A part of me wants to return. And that is cos I miss my parents. I want to be able to spend time with them. But Sandra is right. Long term living with them can create friction, which the relationship could be better if we were living apart.
I dont know what I like about Ben. Is it cos I am desperate to be with someone? Is it cos of the flirtatious conversations we had? What is it?
Why do I really want to go back?
I feel so tired. So alone. There's no one here to take care of me, to share life with, to do things with.
It is a big sacrifice for me to return to SG. But is it what God wants of me? If it is, I do not wish to be disobedient.
Is Ben just a distraction for me again? To take me away from the pain that I feel from the loss of Toulia and the betrayal of the union with Melinda? Is this for real? Is Ben really serious?
I really dont know, until he pops the question. Once bitten twice shy. Toulia kept talking about getting married. Yet he walked away.
I hope I do not unconsciously push Ben away. I think I have a knack of doing that. I need to hold back and not be naive and gullible and just jump into everything. At the same time, I need to give Ben space to make the decision and to be who he is. To do what he must do as the man.
Oh Lord, help me. I am so conflicted.
Although I was almost convinced that I should return to SG cos I have no choice, now taking a few steps back, seems like all I have to do is be patient and wait.
As God's word had said in Acts 12:12-16, the prayer has been answered, but I do not believe. I do not believe the knock on the door is an answered prayer. But time shows. So I have to give it time. Time will show if Ben is the one. Time will show if Ben is to come to Aus.
At least I am at peace that if I really have to go, I will. My trust is in God, not the world.
Seems bit like the apartment, whilst the answers and providence were right in front of my eyes, I did not dare believe, did not dare see. And kept worrying and hunting around for apartments. At the end of the day, I stayed. But the hunting showed me how blessed I was and what I had.
Abba.... I will rest at Your feet!
I will wait on You.
Thank You God!
Once again I wonder if I am being tested, in my faith with regards to God's providence.
I get it that He gave me the apartment and that if He wanted me to go back to SG, He will provide the funds and avenues to make things work. It wont be up to me or Ben to make it happen. Ben does not have to give me a plan. God provides. I just need support from Ben and confirmation.
A part of me wants to return. And that is cos I miss my parents. I want to be able to spend time with them. But Sandra is right. Long term living with them can create friction, which the relationship could be better if we were living apart.
I dont know what I like about Ben. Is it cos I am desperate to be with someone? Is it cos of the flirtatious conversations we had? What is it?
Why do I really want to go back?
I feel so tired. So alone. There's no one here to take care of me, to share life with, to do things with.
It is a big sacrifice for me to return to SG. But is it what God wants of me? If it is, I do not wish to be disobedient.
Is Ben just a distraction for me again? To take me away from the pain that I feel from the loss of Toulia and the betrayal of the union with Melinda? Is this for real? Is Ben really serious?
I really dont know, until he pops the question. Once bitten twice shy. Toulia kept talking about getting married. Yet he walked away.
I hope I do not unconsciously push Ben away. I think I have a knack of doing that. I need to hold back and not be naive and gullible and just jump into everything. At the same time, I need to give Ben space to make the decision and to be who he is. To do what he must do as the man.
Oh Lord, help me. I am so conflicted.
Although I was almost convinced that I should return to SG cos I have no choice, now taking a few steps back, seems like all I have to do is be patient and wait.
As God's word had said in Acts 12:12-16, the prayer has been answered, but I do not believe. I do not believe the knock on the door is an answered prayer. But time shows. So I have to give it time. Time will show if Ben is the one. Time will show if Ben is to come to Aus.
At least I am at peace that if I really have to go, I will. My trust is in God, not the world.
Seems bit like the apartment, whilst the answers and providence were right in front of my eyes, I did not dare believe, did not dare see. And kept worrying and hunting around for apartments. At the end of the day, I stayed. But the hunting showed me how blessed I was and what I had.
Abba.... I will rest at Your feet!
I will wait on You.
Thank You God!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
5 May 2011 - Insight
Insight
I believe that God opened my eyes. Sounds like what I heard in Acts - the scales from Saul's eyes dropped and he could see again.
I believe I am called to raise leaders. What does that mean? Honestly I dont know.
It could be having children of my own who go on to become leaders.
It could be teaching in Hillsong college or another similar church.
It could just be facilitating in the evening college and discovery.
It could also be out of church - in the world. How to live right and be a leader - encouraging other christians to live the right way in the world.
I dont know. Although I am sure that in it all, God's plans are to save His people, I am also pretty sure I am NOT an evangelist. I dont think anyone has given their lives to Christ because of me. :(
But I have seen people coming back to Christ from my sharing. And I have seen people's (non-christian) lives changed in the outside world.
and it has always been in my heart to help people have a second chance.
Now it starts becoming clear(er) - the things that I have been doing.
-> Asiaworks - my vision there - second chance. Its all about allowing people to make mistakes and work towards living the life that they want.
-> AKLTG - mentoring and growing the younger generation. So that they can become great people. And in turn hopefully raise leaders too.
-> TV, Discovery, evening college, shiman's meetings - all about getting people together to make changes in their lives and live like a leader, not a follower. And well, get support for my own life too.
I believe that God opened my eyes. Sounds like what I heard in Acts - the scales from Saul's eyes dropped and he could see again.
I believe I am called to raise leaders. What does that mean? Honestly I dont know.
It could be having children of my own who go on to become leaders.
It could be teaching in Hillsong college or another similar church.
It could just be facilitating in the evening college and discovery.
It could also be out of church - in the world. How to live right and be a leader - encouraging other christians to live the right way in the world.
I dont know. Although I am sure that in it all, God's plans are to save His people, I am also pretty sure I am NOT an evangelist. I dont think anyone has given their lives to Christ because of me. :(
But I have seen people coming back to Christ from my sharing. And I have seen people's (non-christian) lives changed in the outside world.
and it has always been in my heart to help people have a second chance.
Now it starts becoming clear(er) - the things that I have been doing.
-> Asiaworks - my vision there - second chance. Its all about allowing people to make mistakes and work towards living the life that they want.
-> AKLTG - mentoring and growing the younger generation. So that they can become great people. And in turn hopefully raise leaders too.
-> TV, Discovery, evening college, shiman's meetings - all about getting people together to make changes in their lives and live like a leader, not a follower. And well, get support for my own life too.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
4 May 2011 - What I want in a man
i've decided, I definitely need the following in a man who is to be my husband.
1. Man after God's heart (like David) Regardless of what happens, he doesnt turn away from God but seeks God in everything that he faces in his life.
2. Strong man of God who is able to lead me spiritually and help me to grow and know God more.
3. Emotionally stable - is not easily affected by my mood swings.
4. Able to communicate well - thoughts and emotions.
i wont want someone who beats about the bush, giving me hints and seemingly "naturally" starting a relationship.
I want someone who is confident in himself and thus able to verbalise what he feels and his thoughts and not be afraid of having his opinions rejected or questioned. And able to tell me what he needs and wants. Dont want to play guessing games.
5. Is patient and willing to teach.
6. Is teachable.
7. Financial stable - able to provide for the family. i.e. can have a wedding any time and wont have to worry about saving for a wedding ring or honeymoon.
8. Has a good and healthy relationship with his parents. Love his family but not dependant on them - i.e. mommy's boy.
9. Physical
Tall and lean. Not fat or bulky. Probably 1.75cm.
Preferably Caucasian? This is a question mark cos I do not know if I am saying this cos I have been so badly hurt by toulia i dont want to see any resemblance.
Has abundance of hair on the head and not physically hairy.
Healthy and fit.
1. Man after God's heart (like David) Regardless of what happens, he doesnt turn away from God but seeks God in everything that he faces in his life.
2. Strong man of God who is able to lead me spiritually and help me to grow and know God more.
3. Emotionally stable - is not easily affected by my mood swings.
4. Able to communicate well - thoughts and emotions.
i wont want someone who beats about the bush, giving me hints and seemingly "naturally" starting a relationship.
I want someone who is confident in himself and thus able to verbalise what he feels and his thoughts and not be afraid of having his opinions rejected or questioned. And able to tell me what he needs and wants. Dont want to play guessing games.
5. Is patient and willing to teach.
6. Is teachable.
7. Financial stable - able to provide for the family. i.e. can have a wedding any time and wont have to worry about saving for a wedding ring or honeymoon.
8. Has a good and healthy relationship with his parents. Love his family but not dependant on them - i.e. mommy's boy.
9. Physical
Tall and lean. Not fat or bulky. Probably 1.75cm.
Preferably Caucasian? This is a question mark cos I do not know if I am saying this cos I have been so badly hurt by toulia i dont want to see any resemblance.
Has abundance of hair on the head and not physically hairy.
Healthy and fit.
4 May 2011 - Pushing on
Regardless of what I feel, at least I learnt something last night.
Allan's sharing about his breakup with Sylvia and his obedience/sensitivity to the Holy Spirit just helped me to realise how God had been speaking to Toulia. And his choice to be with Melinda I know is not from God. God released him because he had been unwilling.
I'm pretty sure of it. The coincidence in Sept during his bday and the incident in Dec were obvious. I'm sure God was speaking to him as He was to me. I know I disobeyed.
Regardless, I know God will not abandon me. He chose to walk away despite what God was saying/doing and refuse to listen or take heed. That only meant he was not sensitive to the Holy Spirit. And that is fine. If he did not want to step up, God has someone else.
As for Ben, I do not know what is going on. Not sure to ask or not. But since I strongly believe it is the guy who should do the pursuing, then I'll leave it to God to bring him to me. And if He doesnt, then its not him.
I will guard my heart and not be affected by the flowery words that he had been using.
There seems to be a change yesterday/today. I dont know why or what caused it. But he seems distant.
I do not want another man who doesnt have the courage to speak his mind and emotions to me and is afraid of rejection. Enough is enough. It can and will only cause problems. If he doesnt find his tongue to tell me that he likes me, then regardless of what he "jokes" about and his offers and his choices of words, they mean nothing.
Allan's sharing about his breakup with Sylvia and his obedience/sensitivity to the Holy Spirit just helped me to realise how God had been speaking to Toulia. And his choice to be with Melinda I know is not from God. God released him because he had been unwilling.
I'm pretty sure of it. The coincidence in Sept during his bday and the incident in Dec were obvious. I'm sure God was speaking to him as He was to me. I know I disobeyed.
Regardless, I know God will not abandon me. He chose to walk away despite what God was saying/doing and refuse to listen or take heed. That only meant he was not sensitive to the Holy Spirit. And that is fine. If he did not want to step up, God has someone else.
As for Ben, I do not know what is going on. Not sure to ask or not. But since I strongly believe it is the guy who should do the pursuing, then I'll leave it to God to bring him to me. And if He doesnt, then its not him.
I will guard my heart and not be affected by the flowery words that he had been using.
There seems to be a change yesterday/today. I dont know why or what caused it. But he seems distant.
I do not want another man who doesnt have the courage to speak his mind and emotions to me and is afraid of rejection. Enough is enough. It can and will only cause problems. If he doesnt find his tongue to tell me that he likes me, then regardless of what he "jokes" about and his offers and his choices of words, they mean nothing.
Monday, May 2, 2011
3 May 2011 - Committed to God
Daddy God,
I commit the things that are on my mind to you.
I know that You know what's best for me and You are directing my steps.
1. I still do like Ben, but do not know if this is Your will for us. In the natural, I do not see how things can work out. He is in SG and I am in Australia. He runs a family business and is doing well and I do not see why he would want to leave all of that to come to Australia.
Also, I do not know if he still likes me or is just being a dork as he says.
2. I am really liking akamedia more and more and want to make the best out of my stay here. I want to be able to do media strategy well like Melissa and Vicki. And know the TV market well like Matt.
3. Finances for trip back to Singapore end of year and trip to the States with mom and family. As well as for a car here in Australia to use on weekends and evenings.
4. Direction on my life. What I am to fullfill in my time here on earth. To fully grow and use the gifts and talents that I have been given:-
- love for music and singing
- love for languages
- ability to organise events and do it well
- thoughtfulness towards others
I commit the things that are on my mind to you.
I know that You know what's best for me and You are directing my steps.
1. I still do like Ben, but do not know if this is Your will for us. In the natural, I do not see how things can work out. He is in SG and I am in Australia. He runs a family business and is doing well and I do not see why he would want to leave all of that to come to Australia.
Also, I do not know if he still likes me or is just being a dork as he says.
2. I am really liking akamedia more and more and want to make the best out of my stay here. I want to be able to do media strategy well like Melissa and Vicki. And know the TV market well like Matt.
3. Finances for trip back to Singapore end of year and trip to the States with mom and family. As well as for a car here in Australia to use on weekends and evenings.
4. Direction on my life. What I am to fullfill in my time here on earth. To fully grow and use the gifts and talents that I have been given:-
- love for music and singing
- love for languages
- ability to organise events and do it well
- thoughtfulness towards others
Sunday, May 1, 2011
2 May 2011 - Playing with fire
I must have a problem. I am always playing with fire.
I know that ben was flirting with me. And I reciprocated, with the knowledge that nothing will come out of it.
And now i suffer the consequences.
what am i doing?
But what he said is very true - to want companionship until the day that Christ returns.
i do want a man of God who will keep me focused on God and not self or him. Who is committed to take that journey of life with trials and challenges amidst the happy times too.
till then, i really dont know what i want to do. i dont know what i am to do.
i do know that i am pulling away from the many activities at church.
i enjoy music. i wana learn my guitar.
i love languages too and i wana learn and better my korean language.
i love the Lord and His word. I love teaching it to others too. at the same time, there are so many things i want to do.
what are the things from God?
surely He wants me to enjoy my life too right?
so what should i do with my life so i can be happy?
i love working at akamedia. although more money would be better.
where am i going to get more money from?
Lord, help me please.
I know that ben was flirting with me. And I reciprocated, with the knowledge that nothing will come out of it.
And now i suffer the consequences.
what am i doing?
But what he said is very true - to want companionship until the day that Christ returns.
i do want a man of God who will keep me focused on God and not self or him. Who is committed to take that journey of life with trials and challenges amidst the happy times too.
till then, i really dont know what i want to do. i dont know what i am to do.
i do know that i am pulling away from the many activities at church.
i enjoy music. i wana learn my guitar.
i love languages too and i wana learn and better my korean language.
i love the Lord and His word. I love teaching it to others too. at the same time, there are so many things i want to do.
what are the things from God?
surely He wants me to enjoy my life too right?
so what should i do with my life so i can be happy?
i love working at akamedia. although more money would be better.
where am i going to get more money from?
Lord, help me please.
1 May 2011 - Purpose in Life
After 3 decades I am still searching for the purpose of my life.
No correction. After 3 decades, only now am I searching for the purpose of my life. I guess the unfulfilled dreams and broken promises had left a scar larger than I knew.
Its with God's grace that I have made it out. Its with God's grace that He is healing me and cleansing the wounds of the past.
What is His purpose for me? What are the dreams He has placed in my heart to fulfill?
What has God placed in my hands for me to use?
I need time. No. I need discipline. I have heaps of time. Just not the discipline to spend that time with Him.
How disappointed I am with myself. Thank goodness God is loving and forgiving. I know He still loves me. And next time, I will be stronger. By His strength I will endure. I will persevere.
No correction. After 3 decades, only now am I searching for the purpose of my life. I guess the unfulfilled dreams and broken promises had left a scar larger than I knew.
Its with God's grace that I have made it out. Its with God's grace that He is healing me and cleansing the wounds of the past.
What is His purpose for me? What are the dreams He has placed in my heart to fulfill?
What has God placed in my hands for me to use?
I need time. No. I need discipline. I have heaps of time. Just not the discipline to spend that time with Him.
How disappointed I am with myself. Thank goodness God is loving and forgiving. I know He still loves me. And next time, I will be stronger. By His strength I will endure. I will persevere.
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