Was just thinking... if I choose to go ahead and find a man of my own, I can definitely snare someone. But that's not what God has for me.
also, I was thinking back on how I have been with the men and know that I have always tested them. i never trusted them. I never thought that they would stay cos I never thought that I was precious enough for them to want to stay.
oh how my heart cries out.
oh how my heart hurts.
Why and how did I end up thinking that way about myself?!
am I that worthless? No!
that's not what God says.
God gave up Jesus Christ to die for me! I must be worth something!
thought to myself that I could put on my best behaviour and be merciful and all and suddenly realised that that was not how i was with any of my other ex. I never had mercy with anyone. I was always upset with everyone.
why Daddy? why?
that's not the life that I want. That's not the life that you promised.
i want to be on my best behaviour cos that's me.
I am afraid. what toulia did to me still hurts. I know i must have pushed his buttons cos of my distrust of men. but i never expected the ending that we had.
suddenly the thought comes - my trust is not in men but in God who provides. So i dont have to test anyone to know if they will stay or not. God will deal with all of that. And if those people dont stay, then God had allowed it to happen cos He has something better for me. so i will not test again. i will have compassion. i will love, even my enemies.
i asked God for a revelation. God gave me two.
Praise God.
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