It is no easy task and now i understand what I was experiencing physically.
The bible says that our flesh wars against the spirit. The 2 cannot co-exist. And as I heed the voice of the spirit, my flesh rebels.
Joyce Meyer's example in her sermon God is my peace really helped.
She shows how the body, the soul and spirit all co-exist in our one body.
And how the body will speak whatever that the soul says. And we've gota get through all that clutter to get to the spirit.
I will fight to let the Spirit reign. I striver to crucify my flesh - the body and the soul. They can throw whatever tantrums that they want, but I will follow the spirit. I will follow God's words!
And I will not let the devil tempt me and trick me into thinking I am any less because I have not been successful. It is years of undoing! And my muscles will get stronger.
But I live not to please men, but to please God! And God knows my heart!
I refuse to give in to jealousy. I will rejoice with Melinda if Toulia is what she's been looking for! I will rejoice with my sister!
And if it God's will, they will marry. It has nothing to do with me.
I will not listen to the devil, that it is numbing my emotions.
This is CONTROLLING my emotions!
I will reign!
I will overcome!
I HAVE AUTHORITY!
Jesus has already established His authority. And He has given it to me!
Amen!
Monday, February 28, 2011
1 March 2011 - No one can thwart God's plans!
God knows His plans for me!
No one, not man, not the devil, not even my foolishness and mistakes can thwart the plans that He has for me.
God is the creator and He is in control of ALL creation!
Jer 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(Amplified)
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
(NCV)
I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.
(NKJ)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
(Message)
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
God KNOWS what He is doing. He is in FULL control!
He has plans for me.
Plans of peace, good plans, plans to take care of me, plans for my welfare, plans for my future, plans to give me hope in my final outcome.
Job 5:12 (NIV)
He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success.
Psalm 20:4 (NIV)
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
Psalm 33:10-11 (NIV)
The LORD foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalm 94:11 (NIV)
The LORD knows all human plans; he knows that they are futile.
Prov 19:21 (NIV)
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Prov 16:3 (NIV)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
No one, not man, not the devil, not even my foolishness and mistakes can thwart the plans that He has for me.
God is the creator and He is in control of ALL creation!
Jer 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
(Amplified)
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
(NCV)
I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.
(NKJ)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
(Message)
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
God KNOWS what He is doing. He is in FULL control!
He has plans for me.
Plans of peace, good plans, plans to take care of me, plans for my welfare, plans for my future, plans to give me hope in my final outcome.
Job 5:12 (NIV)
He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success.
Psalm 20:4 (NIV)
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
Psalm 33:10-11 (NIV)
The LORD foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalm 94:11 (NIV)
The LORD knows all human plans; he knows that they are futile.
Prov 19:21 (NIV)
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Prov 16:3 (NIV)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
24 Feb 2011 - Emotions
I dont know how to deal with all of the emotions that keep coming up. I dont know if i am suppressing them or dealing with them. I cant tell the difference. I dont want to suppress them. Yet I do not want to let them take control and drive me.
What do I do? How Lord how? Help! :(
It still hurts so much.
And I still wish that it is but a rebound and that he would find his way back to wisdom and see that she is not good for him.
It is perhaps pride that is causing me to feel that I am better. I am going around asking and telling, so that I can hear others say that I am better.
But what's the point? They are not him! He made the choice and it is breaking my heart!
His choices broke my heart and are still breaking my heart.
It shows how callous he is. Did I cause that or was he already this way?
The memory of his unforgiveness towards his Hmong group still seems so fresh. The bitterness towards his parents still feels so fresh. But that is the past.
When will I be free of it? Its not mine to deal with already, yet it still keeps coming back.
But all these are what I have noticed. He is not aware. He doesnt think that he has any unforgiveness or bitterness toward either his parents or his tribe.
How can my heart still be soft towards him?
He has done me so much wrong and injustice.
This area, praying for him, loving him, I can deal with. The part that I cant deal with is his union with Melinda. I dont like the emotions that come up. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I feel betrayed by her and feel that she set it all up. Not that they just "fell in love" but her eye was on him. Cos of all the comments that she's made about him before and all the comments she's made about her ex.
And how the entire thing happened. how she dumped Ben and shortly after is now dating Toulia!
I am hurting. It feels so unfair! And I am jealous that someone else got her hands on my guy!
Even though we have broken up, but cos I hope, I still feel that he is My Guy! Although he is NOT! and has not been for a long time! Yet I couldnt face that!
My heart is wrenching. I want to cry out! If I were at home, I would. But I am not. I'm at work. :(
I hate her! I cant see the good at the moment. And I really want to curse her. :(
I want to curse their relationship. That it would fail. That it would just be a rebound and Toulia would find someone else!
I think I wont be so sore if he found someone else! ARGH!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
hurts!
:_(
What do I do? How Lord how? Help! :(
It still hurts so much.
And I still wish that it is but a rebound and that he would find his way back to wisdom and see that she is not good for him.
It is perhaps pride that is causing me to feel that I am better. I am going around asking and telling, so that I can hear others say that I am better.
But what's the point? They are not him! He made the choice and it is breaking my heart!
His choices broke my heart and are still breaking my heart.
It shows how callous he is. Did I cause that or was he already this way?
The memory of his unforgiveness towards his Hmong group still seems so fresh. The bitterness towards his parents still feels so fresh. But that is the past.
When will I be free of it? Its not mine to deal with already, yet it still keeps coming back.
But all these are what I have noticed. He is not aware. He doesnt think that he has any unforgiveness or bitterness toward either his parents or his tribe.
How can my heart still be soft towards him?
He has done me so much wrong and injustice.
This area, praying for him, loving him, I can deal with. The part that I cant deal with is his union with Melinda. I dont like the emotions that come up. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I feel betrayed by her and feel that she set it all up. Not that they just "fell in love" but her eye was on him. Cos of all the comments that she's made about him before and all the comments she's made about her ex.
And how the entire thing happened. how she dumped Ben and shortly after is now dating Toulia!
I am hurting. It feels so unfair! And I am jealous that someone else got her hands on my guy!
Even though we have broken up, but cos I hope, I still feel that he is My Guy! Although he is NOT! and has not been for a long time! Yet I couldnt face that!
My heart is wrenching. I want to cry out! If I were at home, I would. But I am not. I'm at work. :(
I hate her! I cant see the good at the moment. And I really want to curse her. :(
I want to curse their relationship. That it would fail. That it would just be a rebound and Toulia would find someone else!
I think I wont be so sore if he found someone else! ARGH!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
hurts!
:_(
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
23 Feb 2011 - The Story
Wow... as I start telling my life story and the trials and challenges that I've been through, suddenly I see the level of immaturity Toulia had. And I also got to see my own journey.
Saved at the age of 17 meant nothing to me other than attending church with Esther for a few occasions before she disappeared for her mission trip. The next couple of years was nothing other than getting into trouble, making wrong decisions and piling up the hurt in my life.
Although I grew up in a convent school and had learnt about Jesus since young, and Mary and Lucy most probably prayed for me when I was young, I dont think I knew any much more than what I knew I was getting myself into at age 17.
Anyway, God is faithful and keeps close eyes on me. Despite the drifting away, He brought me back. Through each trial and challenge in my life, He brought me closer to Him, understanding Him more, knowing His ways better.
The journey started around 1998 when I joined citibank. I am grateful for God calling me back. If there was no Sandra, I would never have made it back to His side. The journey really started then I believe. And if Sandra did not leave for Canada, i think I too would not have taken another step closer to God.
And well, with the break up in 2005, that led me even closer. Regardless of all the wrong decisions that I made, He kept me safe and kept me on His path for me. So now even though everything seems uncertain, I am certain that I have been called to Sydney, Hillsong. And He has great plans for me.
I have been through alot, drifted away alot and come back to Him alot too. Through it all, I have grown heaps too. Responding in anger is still a challenge, but looking back, it is much less of a challenge that it was 10 years back.
Having taken a good look at my own life and then at Toulia's, I realised that he has hardly experienced anything major in his life, other than his fiance cheating on him. Life was cruisey for him. So much so that he did not even know how to handle a change in cash flow when he switched jobs.
sigh... I really dont know how I was never able to see all of that. No wonder he is unable to understand what I have been through, what I was going through and what my heart desired. He was young an immature. Smart and intelligent no doubt, but lacks the wisdom of a man of God.
I would have been a mother to him. Given the experience that I had undergone, I know I could put up with the way he was, if I did not deal with any major issues in my life at that time. However obviously that was not so.
I dont know if God has taken all the men in my past out of my life cos He knew that they would keep me away from Him or I destroyed it. Nonetheless, God is faithful and has claimed all responsibility for man's actions and the devil's temptations. And I know that He will deliver me from this situation. He still has a mate for me.
I know God only wants the best for me and has the best for me.
I cant understand what happened. Cant explain it all. But I can see how He is just drawing me closer to Him, changing me and softening my heart. I've never desired to be so obedient and surrender all I have to Him.
i have also never trusted Him to change, not just my circumstances, but me. I had always thought that if any change were to happen, it would be my efforts. And I have always blamed myself for not putting in enough effort. But I can see now, that it was nothing to do with my efforts. As long as I desired to be obedient and that was the intention, He would make it possible.
The fight that I currently have now:- emotionally, mentally and even physically is the change that He is doing for me. It is so uncomfortable. I cant understand what's happening. Yet I can see the change. When I overcome the feelings of discomfort, a change has already happened. Its amazing!
wow... I never knew how good God was... till now. In my pains and troubles, He was there. He was working on me, moulding me, changing me.
My trust in my Daddy God grows. Partly cos of the change I am now seeing, as well as His past faithfulness to me and the heroes of the past, and His words and promises in the bible.
Proverbs 4:25 - Let your eyes look right on (with fixed purpose), and let your gaze be straight before you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
Saved at the age of 17 meant nothing to me other than attending church with Esther for a few occasions before she disappeared for her mission trip. The next couple of years was nothing other than getting into trouble, making wrong decisions and piling up the hurt in my life.
Although I grew up in a convent school and had learnt about Jesus since young, and Mary and Lucy most probably prayed for me when I was young, I dont think I knew any much more than what I knew I was getting myself into at age 17.
Anyway, God is faithful and keeps close eyes on me. Despite the drifting away, He brought me back. Through each trial and challenge in my life, He brought me closer to Him, understanding Him more, knowing His ways better.
The journey started around 1998 when I joined citibank. I am grateful for God calling me back. If there was no Sandra, I would never have made it back to His side. The journey really started then I believe. And if Sandra did not leave for Canada, i think I too would not have taken another step closer to God.
And well, with the break up in 2005, that led me even closer. Regardless of all the wrong decisions that I made, He kept me safe and kept me on His path for me. So now even though everything seems uncertain, I am certain that I have been called to Sydney, Hillsong. And He has great plans for me.
I have been through alot, drifted away alot and come back to Him alot too. Through it all, I have grown heaps too. Responding in anger is still a challenge, but looking back, it is much less of a challenge that it was 10 years back.
Having taken a good look at my own life and then at Toulia's, I realised that he has hardly experienced anything major in his life, other than his fiance cheating on him. Life was cruisey for him. So much so that he did not even know how to handle a change in cash flow when he switched jobs.
sigh... I really dont know how I was never able to see all of that. No wonder he is unable to understand what I have been through, what I was going through and what my heart desired. He was young an immature. Smart and intelligent no doubt, but lacks the wisdom of a man of God.
I would have been a mother to him. Given the experience that I had undergone, I know I could put up with the way he was, if I did not deal with any major issues in my life at that time. However obviously that was not so.
I dont know if God has taken all the men in my past out of my life cos He knew that they would keep me away from Him or I destroyed it. Nonetheless, God is faithful and has claimed all responsibility for man's actions and the devil's temptations. And I know that He will deliver me from this situation. He still has a mate for me.
I know God only wants the best for me and has the best for me.
I cant understand what happened. Cant explain it all. But I can see how He is just drawing me closer to Him, changing me and softening my heart. I've never desired to be so obedient and surrender all I have to Him.
i have also never trusted Him to change, not just my circumstances, but me. I had always thought that if any change were to happen, it would be my efforts. And I have always blamed myself for not putting in enough effort. But I can see now, that it was nothing to do with my efforts. As long as I desired to be obedient and that was the intention, He would make it possible.
The fight that I currently have now:- emotionally, mentally and even physically is the change that He is doing for me. It is so uncomfortable. I cant understand what's happening. Yet I can see the change. When I overcome the feelings of discomfort, a change has already happened. Its amazing!
wow... I never knew how good God was... till now. In my pains and troubles, He was there. He was working on me, moulding me, changing me.
My trust in my Daddy God grows. Partly cos of the change I am now seeing, as well as His past faithfulness to me and the heroes of the past, and His words and promises in the bible.
Proverbs 4:25 - Let your eyes look right on (with fixed purpose), and let your gaze be straight before you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
23 Feb 2011 - Sudden desire for mom
Had a sudden desire for mom, to be curled up next to her, to have her by my side, to tell me that everything is ok.
I have not been able to cope - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I can tell alot of changes are happening. Processing things differently, self-control and surrendering. But it just feels so difficult.
Physically i'm feeling odd. Not sure if it is the lack of nutrients or its the overwhelming emotions that's affecting me or a change in the way I behave and my mind is just so uncomfortable. (just like Mary Sutherland's example of a pair of new contacts)
Whatever it is, I know that it will pass. But suddenly just want mom around. Miss her smell. and her touch. Cant leave to go back. So alternative is to fly her here.
Perhaps saw the window of opportunity cos Annie is going away for 2 weeks. So the place will be less crowded. Whatever the reason is, calling home and speaking to mom felt good. Regardless of what she said, holding the phone and hearing her voice sounded so good.
I feel like self-pity. However, I know this is a season. It is not permanent. God is faithful and He has claimed all responsibility to what man and devil has done in my life and He has already lined up all the solutions to the issues and the restoration to the damage done.
It will all be good.
Jer 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you , not to cause you harm. Plans for a hope and a future.
And I will see breakthrough this year in 2011.
I need to move forward. I need to look forward.
Proverbs 4:24-26
24 Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Give careful thought to the[a] paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
I have not been able to cope - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I can tell alot of changes are happening. Processing things differently, self-control and surrendering. But it just feels so difficult.
Physically i'm feeling odd. Not sure if it is the lack of nutrients or its the overwhelming emotions that's affecting me or a change in the way I behave and my mind is just so uncomfortable. (just like Mary Sutherland's example of a pair of new contacts)
Whatever it is, I know that it will pass. But suddenly just want mom around. Miss her smell. and her touch. Cant leave to go back. So alternative is to fly her here.
Perhaps saw the window of opportunity cos Annie is going away for 2 weeks. So the place will be less crowded. Whatever the reason is, calling home and speaking to mom felt good. Regardless of what she said, holding the phone and hearing her voice sounded so good.
I feel like self-pity. However, I know this is a season. It is not permanent. God is faithful and He has claimed all responsibility to what man and devil has done in my life and He has already lined up all the solutions to the issues and the restoration to the damage done.
It will all be good.
Jer 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you , not to cause you harm. Plans for a hope and a future.
And I will see breakthrough this year in 2011.
I need to move forward. I need to look forward.
Proverbs 4:24-26
24 Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Give careful thought to the[a] paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
22 Feb 2010 - Double
Part of Joel Oesteen's sermon.
Receive Job's encouragement. God has not brought me this far to leave me. This is a test. Its not permanent. Its temporary. It may look like its out of control but God is in complete control. Job's encouragement is - DOUBLE.
Let that seed take root and start speaking DOUBLE over my situations!
Thank God for twice the portion that He will give you.
The person who did you wrong in a relationship, betrayed you, walked out on you, does not deserve you. Dont go through life in self pity, thinking poor old me.
If they left you, you didnt need them! They were not a part of your divine destiny.
They did you a favour by opening the door for who God wants to bring into your life.
You need to get in agreement and get a vision for it.
Daddy I want to thank You for bringing somebody twice as good as the old goat that walked out. Somebody that's twice as fun, twice as friendly to be around, twice as encouraging, twice as well off and twice as good looking!!!
Yes Job is cheering me on from the stands of heaven, reminding of the DOUBLE blessing that I will receive for the loss that I have today!
I claim all of that in Jesus's name. Jesus died on the cross so I can receive the gift of righteousness and be blessed. I will not let Jesus die on the cross a second time! I will believe the word of God that has been promised to me!
2 Tim 1:7 - (Amplified) For God did not give me a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given me a spirit of power, love and of a CALM and WELL-BALANCED mind, and DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
I shall not cower over the issues of life. I will not fear the consequences of anger. For I shall live by the spirit and be led in discipline and self-control. I will not fall into temptation and be distracted into thinking evil of myself or any other person.
I have a CALM, WELL-BALANCED mind!
I have DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
Amen!
Praise God!
Thank You Jesus for the gift of righteousness!
Receive Job's encouragement. God has not brought me this far to leave me. This is a test. Its not permanent. Its temporary. It may look like its out of control but God is in complete control. Job's encouragement is - DOUBLE.
Let that seed take root and start speaking DOUBLE over my situations!
Thank God for twice the portion that He will give you.
The person who did you wrong in a relationship, betrayed you, walked out on you, does not deserve you. Dont go through life in self pity, thinking poor old me.
If they left you, you didnt need them! They were not a part of your divine destiny.
They did you a favour by opening the door for who God wants to bring into your life.
You need to get in agreement and get a vision for it.
Daddy I want to thank You for bringing somebody twice as good as the old goat that walked out. Somebody that's twice as fun, twice as friendly to be around, twice as encouraging, twice as well off and twice as good looking!!!
Yes Job is cheering me on from the stands of heaven, reminding of the DOUBLE blessing that I will receive for the loss that I have today!
I claim all of that in Jesus's name. Jesus died on the cross so I can receive the gift of righteousness and be blessed. I will not let Jesus die on the cross a second time! I will believe the word of God that has been promised to me!
2 Tim 1:7 - (Amplified) For God did not give me a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given me a spirit of power, love and of a CALM and WELL-BALANCED mind, and DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
I shall not cower over the issues of life. I will not fear the consequences of anger. For I shall live by the spirit and be led in discipline and self-control. I will not fall into temptation and be distracted into thinking evil of myself or any other person.
I have a CALM, WELL-BALANCED mind!
I have DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL!
Amen!
Praise God!
Thank You Jesus for the gift of righteousness!
Monday, February 21, 2011
22 Feb 2011 - Thank You God
Thank You God for giving me the privilege to pray for my colleague Sandra. This is the first time something like this has happened. Not that I am rejoicing over a death in the family, but Thank You for placing me within her circle here at work.
I pray that You bless her and her family with comfort Lord. That You see them through this period of grief. That even though they may not know why this is happening and cannot see why this was allowed, I pray that they get to draw closer to You Lord.
Thank You Daddy for distracting me.
Thank You Jesus for your death and salvation.
Thank You Daddy!
I pray that You bless her and her family with comfort Lord. That You see them through this period of grief. That even though they may not know why this is happening and cannot see why this was allowed, I pray that they get to draw closer to You Lord.
Thank You Daddy for distracting me.
Thank You Jesus for your death and salvation.
Thank You Daddy!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
21 Feb 2011 - Restoration and the step upward
My life has been bought by the blood of Christ.
Thank God for the wise women placed in my life. Melania's prayers are so powerful! I want to pray like her! Just a simple prayer breaks whatever bondages that were trying to sink their claws into me.
Wow!
Thank God for open eyes!
I have seen the Truth. I do not want this guy. He is not good for me. What he has done shocked, disappointed and disgusts me.
He is not a man of God as I thought he was. He is not honorable. Although he was sweet and all, the way he conducted the relationship was without honor. And the way he dealt with the breakup was worse. And now, doing what he is doing with melinda is even worse.
Not that she is a bad girl, but honestly, where is his wisdom? In his pants?
How could he date someone whom he had criticise for a lack of wisdom and seen her issues with self and men?
and whats more, so shortly after she broke up with Benny? whom she was ranting and raving about and talking about settling down with and how suitable he was for her?
geesh
sigh...
anyways...
none of my business. I need to remember that. It is their lives now. Mine is with God. And He has great plans for me. I am His handiwork. He personally handcrafted me.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's works are wonderful! (psalm 139:14)
The blood of Jesus covers me. He was sacrificed for my sake. He was risen so I have eternal life. The devil has no foothold in my life. Jesus has control of all my thoughts!
Praise God!
Thank God for the wise women placed in my life. Melania's prayers are so powerful! I want to pray like her! Just a simple prayer breaks whatever bondages that were trying to sink their claws into me.
Wow!
Thank God for open eyes!
I have seen the Truth. I do not want this guy. He is not good for me. What he has done shocked, disappointed and disgusts me.
He is not a man of God as I thought he was. He is not honorable. Although he was sweet and all, the way he conducted the relationship was without honor. And the way he dealt with the breakup was worse. And now, doing what he is doing with melinda is even worse.
Not that she is a bad girl, but honestly, where is his wisdom? In his pants?
How could he date someone whom he had criticise for a lack of wisdom and seen her issues with self and men?
and whats more, so shortly after she broke up with Benny? whom she was ranting and raving about and talking about settling down with and how suitable he was for her?
geesh
sigh...
anyways...
none of my business. I need to remember that. It is their lives now. Mine is with God. And He has great plans for me. I am His handiwork. He personally handcrafted me.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's works are wonderful! (psalm 139:14)
The blood of Jesus covers me. He was sacrificed for my sake. He was risen so I have eternal life. The devil has no foothold in my life. Jesus has control of all my thoughts!
Praise God!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
18 Feb 2011 - What do I do?
Daddy God,
What do I do?
I am filled with my own sorrow, yet there are others with their sorrow, turning to me. I have no answers for them. Only You hold the answers. I dont know what to say.
I'm still turning to You to ask You to deal with the pain that I am experiencing. :(
sigh... when will it end Daddy?
When will I start thinking about him?
Why am I still thinking about him? I'm sad cos I believe that he is no longer thinking about me. :(
I'm really heartbroken.
But You said love is free will. Like the Waiting Father, waiting expectantly for his prodigal son.
He gave him the free will to leave. Hoping that he will one day come back.
Do I even dare hope that he will come back?
Or just hope that You have someone for me? This I dare to hope.
The former, I dont. There's this little voice in my head that says that I am not good enough for him so he left me. So I dont even dare to hope. I want to, but I dont dare to hope. How sad.
Help me please Daddy. Help me to let it go. Help me to have peace. Help me please.....
:_(
What do I do?
I am filled with my own sorrow, yet there are others with their sorrow, turning to me. I have no answers for them. Only You hold the answers. I dont know what to say.
I'm still turning to You to ask You to deal with the pain that I am experiencing. :(
sigh... when will it end Daddy?
When will I start thinking about him?
Why am I still thinking about him? I'm sad cos I believe that he is no longer thinking about me. :(
I'm really heartbroken.
But You said love is free will. Like the Waiting Father, waiting expectantly for his prodigal son.
He gave him the free will to leave. Hoping that he will one day come back.
Do I even dare hope that he will come back?
Or just hope that You have someone for me? This I dare to hope.
The former, I dont. There's this little voice in my head that says that I am not good enough for him so he left me. So I dont even dare to hope. I want to, but I dont dare to hope. How sad.
Help me please Daddy. Help me to let it go. Help me to have peace. Help me please.....
:_(
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
17 Feb 2011 - how many times must i write?
thought i just acknowledged my feelings. but somehow, there's still something sitting on my chest. i dont know what it is.
really wish it would go away!
dont like the heaviness.
i dread writing the letters to him.
dont like the responses i have been getting so far.
dont wish to continue being an idiot.
come on... honestly... there are better men out there!
what's so good about him?!
not like he's tall dark and handsome.
he's fair!
not very tall
and not very handsome!
i loved him cos he first loved me.
but he has chosen to walk away!
and blamed me!
i dont care what he says to his future girlfriends and all.
he walked away from this all!
i was but throwing a tantrum.
i shouldnt have been so severely punished
if he really loved me, he would not have walked away just like that. no attempt to work things out. nothing.
everything is his way or the highway.
everything is done his style.
yet we talked about it in the beginning... we would talk about everything. we would work at working things out.
but whenever there was a crunch. i would be the one working it out. I would pursue it.
where is my man?!
he just walks away - defeated. cos of something i said!
seriously... is this the kind of man you want?
no.
then stop crying over him.
he is not worth it.
it is his loss not yours.
there's so much more in you to give. but he doesnt know how to appreciate you. he could not see your beauty. he could not see your value.
forgive him.
really wish it would go away!
dont like the heaviness.
i dread writing the letters to him.
dont like the responses i have been getting so far.
dont wish to continue being an idiot.
come on... honestly... there are better men out there!
what's so good about him?!
not like he's tall dark and handsome.
he's fair!
not very tall
and not very handsome!
i loved him cos he first loved me.
but he has chosen to walk away!
and blamed me!
i dont care what he says to his future girlfriends and all.
he walked away from this all!
i was but throwing a tantrum.
i shouldnt have been so severely punished
if he really loved me, he would not have walked away just like that. no attempt to work things out. nothing.
everything is his way or the highway.
everything is done his style.
yet we talked about it in the beginning... we would talk about everything. we would work at working things out.
but whenever there was a crunch. i would be the one working it out. I would pursue it.
where is my man?!
he just walks away - defeated. cos of something i said!
seriously... is this the kind of man you want?
no.
then stop crying over him.
he is not worth it.
it is his loss not yours.
there's so much more in you to give. but he doesnt know how to appreciate you. he could not see your beauty. he could not see your value.
forgive him.
17 Feb 2011 - The things i wanted to say to him
These thoughts and feelings still come up pretty often. That feeling of being wronged and wanting so bad to fight for myself just keeps coming up.
But I have to trust God to help me. If He has not stuck up for me, then I shouldnt try to. He knows when is the best time to reveal things.
Had thoughts/ideas planted in my mind. Not sure if it is from Him. But i think it is. Although, of cos all the other additional thoughts are mine.
I believe Daddy told me to pass the Love & War book to Toulia and remind him of the spiritual warfare that we are in. As well as get him the medicine for his nail. (honestly, i'm really guessing that he would have taken care of that by now and if he has, geesh... that's not really a thought i want to entertain. its disgusting. how can someone NOT take crae of himself?!)
anyways, so many other thoughts came up. The want to defend myself, to tell him how he destroyed my life, how disappointing it was to have him walk out on me when I was at my lowest. And that i am glad we didnt marry when i suggested it before. cos i dont know if he would have walked out on me.
what a coward! gutless!
sigh.. yes... after so long, i am still angry!
I wish i could get over it! i really wish i can stop being angry about it.
:(
it hurts me to see me so angry still.
i feel sorry for myself. that i had met such a gutless man.
i deserve more.
i deserve someone who loves me enough to support me through everything.
i loved him. regardless of what he was going through, i stood by him. i bore the brunt of it with him.
he just left me.
made me feel worthless. made me feel small.
made me feel unlovable. especially his comments. how i wish i never met him.
i dont know and still cant see what God wanted to achieve out of this. but i am not going to mull over it and stress my already stressed brain.
in all honesty, i never thought that i was going through so much.
he was just such an asshole. cold. heartless.
how dare he claim to have loved me.
yes i can remember all the little things he used to do for me.
but that's all.
when he is facing his own pressures and crisis, he topples over.
what claims he made previously, saying that my pms was his pms cos whatever affects me affects him!
HAH!
my work caused me so much stress and pressure. he did not bear any of it with me.
he was far from being understanding
in fact he trashed me when i was already on the ground. beat me to pulp with his words.
how i wish i could tell him that his words nearly killed me.
how i wish i had the courage to kill myself and make him feel guilty for the rest of his life. let it haunt him!
but... oh well, all these are said in anger and disappointment and all .. not that i really want it to happen. but the hurt that he caused was really just so great. if only he knew!
if only he knew....
sigh..
oh wells... my eyes are fixed on jesus. He came, bore my sins, died for me and rose again.
so i am clean. righteous. renewed.
i know God has great plans for me. i know He will have a partner for me. and i will wait on Him.
i have learnt to fight the first instinct to just go and do something, cos i think it is from God. until i get a confirmation. well, 2 at least.
I will WAIT on the Lord.
And I will learn to BE STILL! and just BE!
I know that above message was strongly put across to me by God!
In church by Catrina.
Then later personally by God - verses I read, books & well, the very obvious song by Kirk Franklin which couldnt stop repeating - Be Still and know I am God!
sigh.. oh wells...
God is good!
That's enough!
God is Sovereign! Praise Him!
Jesus Loves me!
I'm thankful!
But I have to trust God to help me. If He has not stuck up for me, then I shouldnt try to. He knows when is the best time to reveal things.
Had thoughts/ideas planted in my mind. Not sure if it is from Him. But i think it is. Although, of cos all the other additional thoughts are mine.
I believe Daddy told me to pass the Love & War book to Toulia and remind him of the spiritual warfare that we are in. As well as get him the medicine for his nail. (honestly, i'm really guessing that he would have taken care of that by now and if he has, geesh... that's not really a thought i want to entertain. its disgusting. how can someone NOT take crae of himself?!)
anyways, so many other thoughts came up. The want to defend myself, to tell him how he destroyed my life, how disappointing it was to have him walk out on me when I was at my lowest. And that i am glad we didnt marry when i suggested it before. cos i dont know if he would have walked out on me.
what a coward! gutless!
sigh.. yes... after so long, i am still angry!
I wish i could get over it! i really wish i can stop being angry about it.
:(
it hurts me to see me so angry still.
i feel sorry for myself. that i had met such a gutless man.
i deserve more.
i deserve someone who loves me enough to support me through everything.
i loved him. regardless of what he was going through, i stood by him. i bore the brunt of it with him.
he just left me.
made me feel worthless. made me feel small.
made me feel unlovable. especially his comments. how i wish i never met him.
i dont know and still cant see what God wanted to achieve out of this. but i am not going to mull over it and stress my already stressed brain.
in all honesty, i never thought that i was going through so much.
he was just such an asshole. cold. heartless.
how dare he claim to have loved me.
yes i can remember all the little things he used to do for me.
but that's all.
when he is facing his own pressures and crisis, he topples over.
what claims he made previously, saying that my pms was his pms cos whatever affects me affects him!
HAH!
my work caused me so much stress and pressure. he did not bear any of it with me.
he was far from being understanding
in fact he trashed me when i was already on the ground. beat me to pulp with his words.
how i wish i could tell him that his words nearly killed me.
how i wish i had the courage to kill myself and make him feel guilty for the rest of his life. let it haunt him!
but... oh well, all these are said in anger and disappointment and all .. not that i really want it to happen. but the hurt that he caused was really just so great. if only he knew!
if only he knew....
sigh..
oh wells... my eyes are fixed on jesus. He came, bore my sins, died for me and rose again.
so i am clean. righteous. renewed.
i know God has great plans for me. i know He will have a partner for me. and i will wait on Him.
i have learnt to fight the first instinct to just go and do something, cos i think it is from God. until i get a confirmation. well, 2 at least.
I will WAIT on the Lord.
And I will learn to BE STILL! and just BE!
I know that above message was strongly put across to me by God!
In church by Catrina.
Then later personally by God - verses I read, books & well, the very obvious song by Kirk Franklin which couldnt stop repeating - Be Still and know I am God!
sigh.. oh wells...
God is good!
That's enough!
God is Sovereign! Praise Him!
Jesus Loves me!
I'm thankful!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
16 Feb 2011 - The "Grip"
I have no idea what in the world that "feeling" I keep getting.
Dislike it! Will tell tim tomorrow. Geesh.
I was doing my work and well and suddenly I feel a tightening in my chest and the feeling of doom came over me. And I have no idea what in the world I started feeling depressed about. And anger started to grow.
could it be that some thought just crossed my mind without me knowing?
And it was so fast that I felt the effects without even knowing?
Geesh.. that's crazy. scary!
Want this to pass soon!
Dont like the feeling of doom over my head. sucky.
Dislike it! Will tell tim tomorrow. Geesh.
I was doing my work and well and suddenly I feel a tightening in my chest and the feeling of doom came over me. And I have no idea what in the world I started feeling depressed about. And anger started to grow.
could it be that some thought just crossed my mind without me knowing?
And it was so fast that I felt the effects without even knowing?
Geesh.. that's crazy. scary!
Want this to pass soon!
Dont like the feeling of doom over my head. sucky.
Monday, February 14, 2011
15 Feb 2011 - Things never used to be so difficult
What has happened?
since when did things become so difficult? They seemed easier in my early days. A broken heart never seemed to take so long to mend.
I feel like a failure. Its been so long yet I cant seem to get over him. He's just one simple guy. Why is it taking so long?! How can the pain last so long?!
I just cant function properly. And that makes things worse. Adds to the feeling of me being a failure.
And I am sick and tired of talking about it to someone. Yet I cant keep it within me. It is driving me insane.
I am so tempted to get in touch with him, but that would just be suicide.
I am no longer rationale. I have lost all senses.
I cant believe that this is the life that God has for me. I refuse to, yet I am facing it and that is a fact.
And I feel so weak! So useless! So lost!
Someone help me!
Someone save me!
I cant cry out "If there is a God!" cos I KNOW there IS a God! He is my Abba Father, but He has not done anything yet!
I dont know how long more I have to wait. I dont know how much more I can endure.
I am going insane!
I gota force myself to be in company of people, otherwise I will go insane!
I hate this feeling. This is not how life was created to be! :(
What happened?!
God!
Help me!
:(
since when did things become so difficult? They seemed easier in my early days. A broken heart never seemed to take so long to mend.
I feel like a failure. Its been so long yet I cant seem to get over him. He's just one simple guy. Why is it taking so long?! How can the pain last so long?!
I just cant function properly. And that makes things worse. Adds to the feeling of me being a failure.
And I am sick and tired of talking about it to someone. Yet I cant keep it within me. It is driving me insane.
I am so tempted to get in touch with him, but that would just be suicide.
I am no longer rationale. I have lost all senses.
I cant believe that this is the life that God has for me. I refuse to, yet I am facing it and that is a fact.
And I feel so weak! So useless! So lost!
Someone help me!
Someone save me!
I cant cry out "If there is a God!" cos I KNOW there IS a God! He is my Abba Father, but He has not done anything yet!
I dont know how long more I have to wait. I dont know how much more I can endure.
I am going insane!
I gota force myself to be in company of people, otherwise I will go insane!
I hate this feeling. This is not how life was created to be! :(
What happened?!
God!
Help me!
:(
15 Feb 2011 - Hate
I hate him. I absolutely hate him to death!
I hate what he did to me. I hate falling in love with him. I hate still loving him. I hate that he chose to walk away. I hate that he is so nonchalant in church.
My heart is getting torn apart. Each and every day. I hate this torture. I hate his cowardice. I hate that he had no courage to fight this battle with me. I hate that he couldnt trust me. I hate him for not trusting God enough to see this through!
I hate him!
I wish I can give all these to him and cause terrible guilt in him that is irreparable. That he cant move on. But this can only happen if something should happen to me. And its never going to happen. I cannot allow myself to be affected by him any longer!
I hate myself!
I've said this a thousand times yet I am still affected by him!
I said that I want to go out and just flirt with all the guys possible in church who would turn an eye to me. I want to make him jealous!
But I cant do it.
Who knows what I am going through?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate You!
I hate the pain I am going through.
There's nothing special about him. He is just like any other guy.
All he wanted was sex!
Yet he wanted to do the right thing. If not for God, we would have had sex everyday!
How different is he from any other worldly guy?!
Jerk!
I hate him!
I hate what he did to me. I hate falling in love with him. I hate still loving him. I hate that he chose to walk away. I hate that he is so nonchalant in church.
My heart is getting torn apart. Each and every day. I hate this torture. I hate his cowardice. I hate that he had no courage to fight this battle with me. I hate that he couldnt trust me. I hate him for not trusting God enough to see this through!
I hate him!
I wish I can give all these to him and cause terrible guilt in him that is irreparable. That he cant move on. But this can only happen if something should happen to me. And its never going to happen. I cannot allow myself to be affected by him any longer!
I hate myself!
I've said this a thousand times yet I am still affected by him!
I said that I want to go out and just flirt with all the guys possible in church who would turn an eye to me. I want to make him jealous!
But I cant do it.
Who knows what I am going through?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I hate You!
I hate the pain I am going through.
There's nothing special about him. He is just like any other guy.
All he wanted was sex!
Yet he wanted to do the right thing. If not for God, we would have had sex everyday!
How different is he from any other worldly guy?!
Jerk!
I hate him!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
11 Feb 2011 - Pain
Day had been good.
After last night's chat with Melania, my eyes were opened and I was able to let go. Didnt think too much.
Decided to focus on what I can control - who I want to be by the end of the year.
=> Gentle tongue, no gossip, encourager, peace maker.
=> Obedient to God.
This is so that I can be a good wife and mom to my kids and husband when God brings it to pass.
Listening to the new song Aftermath now. I think its the tune. Its just causing my heart to wrench. I dont know why. There's just pain which I cannot identify.
I acknowledge that I was probably in depression although I had only seen it as stress. But if what Vicki said was true, that sighing was a sign of depression and my erractic moods as well, then yes I was probably in depression for a long time. Probably since I joined Sussex.
Never thought the pressure I had faced was so great that it would cause me depression. In fact, never thought that stress could ever cause depression. Not that I am blaming my doctor, cos Tim knew that I was really stressed. He gave me pills to sleep well. But not happy pills.
I wonder how it would have been like if he had given me those pills. Would me and Toulia still be together? Would things have been different? Perhaps. But I would not have learnt all that I have so far and made the changes that I have and continue making the changes.
There's a tad of self pity (yes... the flesh and the devil always does this) to learn that I was most probably in a state of depression when Toulia and I split. I feel so sad. At a time when I needed him most, he walked out of me. Its kinda like "Oh poor me."
Praise God that He did not walk out on me, yet remained Faithful and Enduring throughout the entire period, despite my tantrums, my tears, my sorrows and my lamentations. And He sent good friends to surround me instead. To give me comfort, to help me feel that I belong, to encourage me.
How good is our God?!
Yet I cannot fathom what it means to have a relationship with Him, that my purpose here on earth is to have a relationship with Him. Perhaps I already have one. I do believe that I do have one. But i'm not sure if that is the ideal relationship. And I guess my logical mind always needs an explanation, a picture and thus still have not quite gotten a grasp of it.
Oh... how I want to just feel God's presence! Just to be alone with Him. Just me and Him and no one else!
How awesome!
Closing my eyes, listening to Aftermath, tears just cant stop rolling. And there's this feeling that I cant describe. Is that what it means to be in God's presence?! Feels like alot of emotions overflowing from within my heart. And a presence enveloping me. As if a pair of large hands had just grasp me around my shoulders and given me a huge big hug!
Oh Daddy God! Can I stay forever in Your presence? I can never get enough of it! I dont want this day, this moment to pass. I dont want it to end. I want time to just stand still. Just you and me, oblivious to everyone and everything else around.
Love, your dearest daughter.
After last night's chat with Melania, my eyes were opened and I was able to let go. Didnt think too much.
Decided to focus on what I can control - who I want to be by the end of the year.
=> Gentle tongue, no gossip, encourager, peace maker.
=> Obedient to God.
This is so that I can be a good wife and mom to my kids and husband when God brings it to pass.
Listening to the new song Aftermath now. I think its the tune. Its just causing my heart to wrench. I dont know why. There's just pain which I cannot identify.
I acknowledge that I was probably in depression although I had only seen it as stress. But if what Vicki said was true, that sighing was a sign of depression and my erractic moods as well, then yes I was probably in depression for a long time. Probably since I joined Sussex.
Never thought the pressure I had faced was so great that it would cause me depression. In fact, never thought that stress could ever cause depression. Not that I am blaming my doctor, cos Tim knew that I was really stressed. He gave me pills to sleep well. But not happy pills.
I wonder how it would have been like if he had given me those pills. Would me and Toulia still be together? Would things have been different? Perhaps. But I would not have learnt all that I have so far and made the changes that I have and continue making the changes.
There's a tad of self pity (yes... the flesh and the devil always does this) to learn that I was most probably in a state of depression when Toulia and I split. I feel so sad. At a time when I needed him most, he walked out of me. Its kinda like "Oh poor me."
Praise God that He did not walk out on me, yet remained Faithful and Enduring throughout the entire period, despite my tantrums, my tears, my sorrows and my lamentations. And He sent good friends to surround me instead. To give me comfort, to help me feel that I belong, to encourage me.
How good is our God?!
Yet I cannot fathom what it means to have a relationship with Him, that my purpose here on earth is to have a relationship with Him. Perhaps I already have one. I do believe that I do have one. But i'm not sure if that is the ideal relationship. And I guess my logical mind always needs an explanation, a picture and thus still have not quite gotten a grasp of it.
Oh... how I want to just feel God's presence! Just to be alone with Him. Just me and Him and no one else!
How awesome!
Closing my eyes, listening to Aftermath, tears just cant stop rolling. And there's this feeling that I cant describe. Is that what it means to be in God's presence?! Feels like alot of emotions overflowing from within my heart. And a presence enveloping me. As if a pair of large hands had just grasp me around my shoulders and given me a huge big hug!
Oh Daddy God! Can I stay forever in Your presence? I can never get enough of it! I dont want this day, this moment to pass. I dont want it to end. I want time to just stand still. Just you and me, oblivious to everyone and everything else around.
Love, your dearest daughter.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
9 Feb 2011 - Struggle again
Everyday it is a struggle.
Struggle to NOT give in to temptation and do what my flesh so wants to do.
Just spent almost an hour or more today, writing down the letter that I THINK Toulia should have so tat he can LEARN from his mistakes!
That's pure manipulation. Trying to point his faults out to him while asking him to be "understanding". How low can I get. Nonetheless, the letter is written. No way will I post it. Thank God for the sanity.
The way he is right now, he is not going to accept anything from me, good intentions of not. If anyone is to do anything in his life, it would have to be God. I cannot.
I am already nothing without God. And if God didnt bless this letter, then I cannot send it.
thank you Holy Spirit for your help.
I guess it was an opportunity to clear my head, my frustrations, my unspoken grieves that I never got to air. Will he ever get this letter? i dont know. I just dont want to do what God did not ask me to do anymore. Thank God that He caught me in time. sigh.
What a waste of time!
Darn!
Struggle to NOT give in to temptation and do what my flesh so wants to do.
Just spent almost an hour or more today, writing down the letter that I THINK Toulia should have so tat he can LEARN from his mistakes!
That's pure manipulation. Trying to point his faults out to him while asking him to be "understanding". How low can I get. Nonetheless, the letter is written. No way will I post it. Thank God for the sanity.
The way he is right now, he is not going to accept anything from me, good intentions of not. If anyone is to do anything in his life, it would have to be God. I cannot.
I am already nothing without God. And if God didnt bless this letter, then I cannot send it.
thank you Holy Spirit for your help.
I guess it was an opportunity to clear my head, my frustrations, my unspoken grieves that I never got to air. Will he ever get this letter? i dont know. I just dont want to do what God did not ask me to do anymore. Thank God that He caught me in time. sigh.
What a waste of time!
Darn!
Monday, February 7, 2011
8 Feb 2011 - I will keep my eyes on YOU
When I think of the resolution that Toulia made, I feel disheartened and hopeless. And it is this hopelessness that kills me off. I become paralyzed and unable to do anything.
Reading about condemnation being the root of all sicknesses and problems, I can understand what he was going through, and what I went through too. Not that I am better off now, cos I still fight it daily, but I know where to run to.
Knowing that God loves me and He is the only one who can do anything in my situation now and that only in Him I can place my cares, the following phrase rings true in my ears:-
I will see this season through. I will fix my eyes on You.
I know that You are here with me. Your love will light the way.
Whenever I think about toulia's decision, I remember the face he wore with reserve and the unmoving sound of his voice. I hear the determination in his voice as well to walk away from all of this. I cant help but doubt that God can do anything.
But honestly, I have no choice. God is the only one I can rely on. If the Master of the Universe, my Maker and Creator CANNOT do anything about this situation, then what can I, little created weak human being do about it?
I can only surrender. So might as well surrender it to Him, the Almighty and believe that He will create miracles and draw toulia back to me again. Only if it is in His plans.
If it is not, then I'm sure He will have someone for me and He will cause me to forget toulia.
I guess I have difficulty trusting God cos He did not fulfill the dream that I had cast unto Him, to be internationally known as a movie star. And the only reason I could give was that it was not good for me.
So perhaps Toulia is not good for me and thus God has not brought him back.
I have to trust Jesus, that He is doing everything He can for me in my situation. And that God loves me and wants the best for me. So I just have to trust Him with blind faith! There is no other way!
Its a choice and I will have to make that choice daily. Even if it might start with a struggle. But it'll all turn out good.
Reading about condemnation being the root of all sicknesses and problems, I can understand what he was going through, and what I went through too. Not that I am better off now, cos I still fight it daily, but I know where to run to.
Knowing that God loves me and He is the only one who can do anything in my situation now and that only in Him I can place my cares, the following phrase rings true in my ears:-
I will see this season through. I will fix my eyes on You.
I know that You are here with me. Your love will light the way.
Whenever I think about toulia's decision, I remember the face he wore with reserve and the unmoving sound of his voice. I hear the determination in his voice as well to walk away from all of this. I cant help but doubt that God can do anything.
But honestly, I have no choice. God is the only one I can rely on. If the Master of the Universe, my Maker and Creator CANNOT do anything about this situation, then what can I, little created weak human being do about it?
I can only surrender. So might as well surrender it to Him, the Almighty and believe that He will create miracles and draw toulia back to me again. Only if it is in His plans.
If it is not, then I'm sure He will have someone for me and He will cause me to forget toulia.
I guess I have difficulty trusting God cos He did not fulfill the dream that I had cast unto Him, to be internationally known as a movie star. And the only reason I could give was that it was not good for me.
So perhaps Toulia is not good for me and thus God has not brought him back.
I have to trust Jesus, that He is doing everything He can for me in my situation. And that God loves me and wants the best for me. So I just have to trust Him with blind faith! There is no other way!
Its a choice and I will have to make that choice daily. Even if it might start with a struggle. But it'll all turn out good.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
7 Feb 2011 - Tempted
I think breaking Fast to celebrate is a bad idea.
The intake of sugar immediately messed up my mind.
And once again i face a dip.
I am tempted to seek him out, even though he has very clearly stated that he doesnt want to be associated with me.
I want to seek him out to tell him how sorry I am for having hurt him. And asking for his forgiveness. I cant bear to experience him so angry at me. For thinking that I have "killed" him, just like how Maggie killed Tony in the movie yesterday, cos of her unbelief and her desire for revenge.
He was a simple guy. Who wanted simple stuff. All he wanted was to go back to her home cos he was a vagabond.
I dont know what toulia's deepest desire was. And i know that it was probably the same as mine, but my choices have destroyed that hope.
I cant bear this pain.
Help.
I know I cannot find him.
I know I need to trust in God.
And if I trust in God, I cannot find toulia. No matter how much I want to explain things. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how I want to defend myself. I have to trust God to defend me. And if He hasnt already, then it is no point. I have to let go. I have to let God.
I need to let go.
Jesus is praying for me right now.
God has great plans for me!
It is ok to eat.
God will not punish me just because I broke fast.
He loves me and does not want to see me suffer.
God wants me healed and whole.
He sent Jesus so I can be healed and whole.
Jesus has already done the works.
I AM healed and whole.
God will process all the pain and hurts from my past so I can be free of them.
Regardless of pain, I must trust in Him.
He sent Jesus. What else can I ask for?!
And Jesus willingly died for me. What else can I ask for?!
He could have walked away, but He didnt, just so that I can be saved!
He died for me! He died to save me! He died so I can have healing!
I am now a new creation. I have a new heart.
A heart of love, of compassion.
A heart that allows me to be kind even in the deepest sorrow.
God heals my hurts and pains.
I shall forever worship Him.
the devil has lost!
Hallelujah!
I shall live life happy!
I will rejoice!
The intake of sugar immediately messed up my mind.
And once again i face a dip.
I am tempted to seek him out, even though he has very clearly stated that he doesnt want to be associated with me.
I want to seek him out to tell him how sorry I am for having hurt him. And asking for his forgiveness. I cant bear to experience him so angry at me. For thinking that I have "killed" him, just like how Maggie killed Tony in the movie yesterday, cos of her unbelief and her desire for revenge.
He was a simple guy. Who wanted simple stuff. All he wanted was to go back to her home cos he was a vagabond.
I dont know what toulia's deepest desire was. And i know that it was probably the same as mine, but my choices have destroyed that hope.
I cant bear this pain.
Help.
I know I cannot find him.
I know I need to trust in God.
And if I trust in God, I cannot find toulia. No matter how much I want to explain things. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how I want to defend myself. I have to trust God to defend me. And if He hasnt already, then it is no point. I have to let go. I have to let God.
I need to let go.
Jesus is praying for me right now.
God has great plans for me!
It is ok to eat.
God will not punish me just because I broke fast.
He loves me and does not want to see me suffer.
God wants me healed and whole.
He sent Jesus so I can be healed and whole.
Jesus has already done the works.
I AM healed and whole.
God will process all the pain and hurts from my past so I can be free of them.
Regardless of pain, I must trust in Him.
He sent Jesus. What else can I ask for?!
And Jesus willingly died for me. What else can I ask for?!
He could have walked away, but He didnt, just so that I can be saved!
He died for me! He died to save me! He died so I can have healing!
I am now a new creation. I have a new heart.
A heart of love, of compassion.
A heart that allows me to be kind even in the deepest sorrow.
God heals my hurts and pains.
I shall forever worship Him.
the devil has lost!
Hallelujah!
I shall live life happy!
I will rejoice!
7 Feb 2011 - Revelation
My inability to accept the choices that Toulia had made has caused me pain and hurt.
And I realised that although I have declared that I give my all unto Jesus and that Jesus is the Lord over my life, I have no relinquish that control over to Him yet. That is why I am struggling.
Cos if I have, and I KNOW that He loves me and only has the best plans for me, then I wont be struggling. I wont feel like the will to live is slipping away!
He is my Provider! If my life is in His hands and God hears every pray that He prays and He is on my side and He is my Best Friend, then everything that He prays on my behalf will be answered!
I dont know what God's plans for me are yet. But I know that in time, He will show me. For now, Jesus is praying for me. My trust is in Him! So I dont have to think or worry about anything.
He takes my pain away! He gives me peace! He fulfills the deepest desires that God has placed in my heart.
Thank You Jesus!
Note: Its odd that a shift from leaning in and relying on Jesus changes so much. I dont know why and how, but perhaps cos Jesus physically came to die for me, so I feel a stronger connection and the ability to trust Him than to trust God. And perhaps cos I have something from my past that is in the way of me trusting God, but not Jesus. My friends have always stood by me. And if Jesus is my Best Friend, that means He will always stand by me. Maybe that's why it is easier.
I dont know. But this release is a time for celebration!
Or perhaps Daddy God just wants me to eat :P
Cos I did say i will only break fast when I have some answers. When I have some peace and the pain lifted from my soul!
Regardless, Praise God!
Thank You Jesus!
And I realised that although I have declared that I give my all unto Jesus and that Jesus is the Lord over my life, I have no relinquish that control over to Him yet. That is why I am struggling.
Cos if I have, and I KNOW that He loves me and only has the best plans for me, then I wont be struggling. I wont feel like the will to live is slipping away!
He is my Provider! If my life is in His hands and God hears every pray that He prays and He is on my side and He is my Best Friend, then everything that He prays on my behalf will be answered!
I dont know what God's plans for me are yet. But I know that in time, He will show me. For now, Jesus is praying for me. My trust is in Him! So I dont have to think or worry about anything.
He takes my pain away! He gives me peace! He fulfills the deepest desires that God has placed in my heart.
Thank You Jesus!
Note: Its odd that a shift from leaning in and relying on Jesus changes so much. I dont know why and how, but perhaps cos Jesus physically came to die for me, so I feel a stronger connection and the ability to trust Him than to trust God. And perhaps cos I have something from my past that is in the way of me trusting God, but not Jesus. My friends have always stood by me. And if Jesus is my Best Friend, that means He will always stand by me. Maybe that's why it is easier.
I dont know. But this release is a time for celebration!
Or perhaps Daddy God just wants me to eat :P
Cos I did say i will only break fast when I have some answers. When I have some peace and the pain lifted from my soul!
Regardless, Praise God!
Thank You Jesus!
7 Feb 2011 - Still struggling
4 more months and it will be a year since we split.
Time seem to have passed really fast. But the pain that I am carrying doesnt seem to have grown any less.
I dont know what God has for me. Mentally I know He has great plans. But practically, I am loosing my will to live. The pain is getting overwhelming.
I still cant stop thinking about him. I know that all those memories are the past. I HATE holding on to the past. Why cant i let it go?! I dont want it!
I dont want it cos it is causing me pain.
I see someone with a diamond ring and all i hear is his voice in my head saying "You are not going to get it!"
We were talking about getting married, how to have the celebrations, who to call. How can that turn into a "You are not getting it!"
It was so cruel.
It is so painful. What did I ever do to deserve that. And not even a sorry. No apologies whatsoever that those words had hurt so much.
And to add to it, animosity towards me.
what have i done to deserve that kind of isolation and rejection?
How did something so good turn into something so bad?
What did I do such that he cant remember a good thing that we had and cant see a future for us?
were we so badly matched as he had said?
so many questions, no answers. Just having to accept the choices that someone else made. No control whatsoever over those choices.
I so badly wanted to tell him he is wrong. But I cant. He's made a choice and I have to live with it. there's nothing I can do.
I need to accept, to surrender. Yet i dont know how. I have never given control of my life to anyone.
I know I can trust Jesus and I can give it all unto Him, but how?
How?
Time seem to have passed really fast. But the pain that I am carrying doesnt seem to have grown any less.
I dont know what God has for me. Mentally I know He has great plans. But practically, I am loosing my will to live. The pain is getting overwhelming.
I still cant stop thinking about him. I know that all those memories are the past. I HATE holding on to the past. Why cant i let it go?! I dont want it!
I dont want it cos it is causing me pain.
I see someone with a diamond ring and all i hear is his voice in my head saying "You are not going to get it!"
We were talking about getting married, how to have the celebrations, who to call. How can that turn into a "You are not getting it!"
It was so cruel.
It is so painful. What did I ever do to deserve that. And not even a sorry. No apologies whatsoever that those words had hurt so much.
And to add to it, animosity towards me.
what have i done to deserve that kind of isolation and rejection?
How did something so good turn into something so bad?
What did I do such that he cant remember a good thing that we had and cant see a future for us?
were we so badly matched as he had said?
so many questions, no answers. Just having to accept the choices that someone else made. No control whatsoever over those choices.
I so badly wanted to tell him he is wrong. But I cant. He's made a choice and I have to live with it. there's nothing I can do.
I need to accept, to surrender. Yet i dont know how. I have never given control of my life to anyone.
I know I can trust Jesus and I can give it all unto Him, but how?
How?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
3 Feb 2011 - Life
Had a good night with Olivia yesterday. Know that I am not the only one struggling with thoughts questioning the existence of life. Yet having that knowledge doesnt make things better.
I yearn to travel, to see places, to taste the local food there.
That is my love. That is my passion. But doing it alone seems so tedious and expensive. I yearn to have someone to do it with me.
Daddy, I know You have someone for me.
who?
when?
how long more?
Those are my questions.
Give me the faith and patience to persevere please Daddy.
Really dont like this awful feeling.
Help! :(
I yearn to travel, to see places, to taste the local food there.
That is my love. That is my passion. But doing it alone seems so tedious and expensive. I yearn to have someone to do it with me.
Daddy, I know You have someone for me.
who?
when?
how long more?
Those are my questions.
Give me the faith and patience to persevere please Daddy.
Really dont like this awful feeling.
Help! :(
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
2 Feb 2011 - Long journey
Its been a long journey.
Its been 8 months already and i am still mourning for my loss. Still wishing things didnt happen.
Although God has soften my heart and showed me where I had fallen short. And i have received His forgiveness and love.
I wish I would be able to receive the same from him too, but that's not for me to worry anymore. Its beyond my control.
I still have my ups and downs. I wish i stayed up more than down. Some things I find meaningless. Like tonight's CNY dinner. I'm sure I will enjoy it. Yet I am not looking forward to it. Not deep down inside. The heart is still aching.
When will I get out of this?
How do I "Be still" and know that God is for me?
He's already doing everything that He can, yet I still have issues. I feel like a failure. How can trusting God be so hard? He's my Father right? He sent Jesus to save me, to give me eternal life, to give me an inroad to His protection. So why would it be so difficult to trust in Him?
Regardless, I hope that as I walk out of this, I have grown stronger and I have learnt how to trust God and leave Him to do His work; be sensitive to His voice and not try so hard.
Its been 8 months already and i am still mourning for my loss. Still wishing things didnt happen.
Although God has soften my heart and showed me where I had fallen short. And i have received His forgiveness and love.
I wish I would be able to receive the same from him too, but that's not for me to worry anymore. Its beyond my control.
I still have my ups and downs. I wish i stayed up more than down. Some things I find meaningless. Like tonight's CNY dinner. I'm sure I will enjoy it. Yet I am not looking forward to it. Not deep down inside. The heart is still aching.
When will I get out of this?
How do I "Be still" and know that God is for me?
He's already doing everything that He can, yet I still have issues. I feel like a failure. How can trusting God be so hard? He's my Father right? He sent Jesus to save me, to give me eternal life, to give me an inroad to His protection. So why would it be so difficult to trust in Him?
Regardless, I hope that as I walk out of this, I have grown stronger and I have learnt how to trust God and leave Him to do His work; be sensitive to His voice and not try so hard.
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