1 April 2011 - What's Normalcy?

As I ask all the questions I did to Sandra, I wonder what being normal meant?

I have been in and out of relationships since I was 14. It was kinda part of me. Part of my life. Part of what life meant. It didnt matter that my relationships were short. Most of the ones I was in when I was younger, I left the guy. And it didnt matter. Or so I thought.

The more damaging relationships seem to be the ones when I was older, after I got sexually active. That's when the damage started. Or so I think. I dont know anymore.

I dont know when it start but, I do know that when someone leaves me, I have the belief that I did something wrong. I never considered the fact that people make choices and sometimes not all choices are well-made and hurt others. I always believed that I would be able to "control" a person's choice and when they did not choose the choice that I wanted, which was me, or rather to be with me, I got upset.

I felt that I wasnt good enough. that's why people chose not to be with me.

Perhaps there's also another believe that hurts me. which is that people should only get into a relationship if they are ready to commit. And of cos that's not always the case. Most of the time, we are lonely and feel that we should have someone.

As much as being attached was normalcy to me, I need to learn to be single and independent. And not desire so desparately to be with someone. And that if I was not with anyone, it was OK.

I dont know how I am going to do this, but I know that it has to be done.

Oh Lord help me!

And as I thought about my situation, I realised that Melinda was probably facing the same thing. She might never realise it as it might never have been her path to know. But whatever it is, God has shown me that she is just as broken as I am. And so is Toulia. He too probably never knew what it was like to be "normal" and not constantly need someone. I'm sure the both of them felt a strong need to have someone. Well, if they are a match, then good for them. It is not God's plan for me. No matter how hard I fight, it's never gona happen. So better not to fight but to surrender.

Oh Holy Spirit help me!!!