Damn I hate my emotions. Why am I born a woman? This emotional fluctuation is so hard to control. I feel my flesh throwing such a huge tantrum! I feel like bashing myself against the wall to just teach it a lesson to shutup!
My head is filled with thoughts busting to be released on Facebook or the blog or in my conversations with God and I detest it cos none of it is positive. They are all full if fears and worries and regret and guilt!
I hate them.
Lies from the devil. All lies. Yet still for a very short time I believed in them. Damn it. I have not felt this way in some time. Why is it happening again?!
My body feels so uncomfortable. Feels like something is wanting to burst out of my skin. It's just pushing against my skin and throbbing against the back of my head! Is this how it feels like to have the body and soul throwing a tantrum? And me refusing to give it time of day n refusing to let it out?!
I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. He knows what's best for me- job, friends, and life partner.
Yet I can't help hearing the thoughts of regret, guilt, pounding away at my head. I fight to throw it out the window only to find it returning like a boomerang.
When will I be well and stable?
I KNOW that one day I will be well and emotionally stable. But qn is when?! It seems like eternity that I have been suffering from this.
I have not only hurt the ones I love but I have further deepened the wounds others have caused to me. I keep ripping open the healing scab of my wounds in my own striving to have it heal faster. Only to realize there is no one else who can help me other than God and what I must do is to rest at His feet.
Yet I still do what I know I shouldn't do.
I desire sympathy. But where am I going to get it from? A human? There is only so much a human can do and can give. Yet I do what I already know is stupid.
When will I learn?
This has already cost me much. How much more do I have to pay?! It sounds ridiculous cos I am telling everyone, especially the new christians, the people who need encouragement; that Jesus already bore all their sicknesses and diseases yet I allow the devil to make me pay! The debt has been paid! I am a free woman! Why do I not live my life free?!
Argh... Sigh...
I wish I knew the answers.
Ben only wishes for a companion who shares His beliefs and passion about God.
I want more. Though I have my list of must haves and wants; what I want most is someone to do the journey of life with me. Someone who can love me and accept me as I am- baggage n all. And support me through the tough times.
I have no doubts I will support my partner through the tough times. I have wen there n done that. Too many times. But sadly no one has been willing to sacrifice for me and do that for me.
Makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I'm not valuable. Nice again, another lie from the devil yet I so willingly take it in with both ears and let those words pierce my heart. How long more?!
No! No more!! Time to stop. But how?
Hopefully what Joyce had recommended in her sermon will work. N I need the discipline to get it going. Seems like life is getting more boring by the day. Early night, early morning. Spend time and more time in God's words. Do not speak to everyone about my problems.
Well, I guess if I am to be used by God and in ministry to raise leaders then I need to do whatever I can right? The condition I am in pretty much is useless to God! How can He use someone like me? Emotional, full of baggages, and afraid of being hurt.
I'm going to be around people. How can I be afraid of being hurt? It's bound to happen! Who am I kidding?!
I wish God will send someone to take this journey with me. Like Lisa n Joyce. They had a husband who saw them through the hard times. I have no one.
Perhaps cos every time God sends someone as support I grip unto the person, relying on the person for everything. When God is the only one I can rely on.
I know all of these yet I still fall. I still fail. I know I will keep going through this until I pass the test. Yet I still let my flesh throw the tantrums n control me n affect my behaviour.
Sigh
I need Your grace Lord. I cannot so this alone. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot do this with my own strength.
And I am really sick n tired of You taking people away from me because I keep failing the test and leaning on them.
Help me stop it please.
You said I am an overcomer. I am more than a conqueror. So all these emotions n thoughts n tantrums should bow at my feet shouldn't they?
I don't care. Even though I don't see it yet, by faith I declare that my emotions and thoughts are already bowing at my feet. My actions are led and guided and directed by You.
I will walk in Peace. I will not open my mouth to anyone unless You give me the peace to do so. God, this is a hard one so You really have to be with me.
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