12 May 2011 - I stuff up again

He's not talking to me. It hurts. Why?
How did I get so emotionally attached so quickly? Odd.

I have to focus on God's words. Not my emotions.

If I really believe that he is God's plans for me, then I have to allow God to bring him to me. And not try to make it happen.
But this emotional attachment is spoiling things. Its causing issues. I cant behave properly.
Help!

I need to manage this.
God has helped me deal with my attitudes and beliefs so I am less angry.

Now its this insecurity.

I run whenever I perceive that I will be hurt.
I run when I face the unknown - like reading the stuff ben posted on his fb, I feel like I dont know him, which I guess is true to a certain extend and I panic. And I ran. That panic caused th muscles around my heart to clench. And I perceive the possibility of pain and hurt and I run.

Why? What caused this? It has to stop!
Why do I have such strong reactions to emotional pain? How can I overcome it?

God, I know You are dealing with it. That's why it has come up. So that I will not fall over it again. This I give thanks.

I dont want to lie. I dont want to hide. I just want to be me.

Daddy, I have fallen for Ben or at least the perception of him that I have. I love that persona of stability. I love that he says he wants me with him all the time. i love how he says he wants kids immediately. i love how he believes that he has the patience to deal with me.

Now is the test. To see if he is what he says. That he will not let me go. That he will not give up.

But from his messages, I think he is gone. I dont know. I dont want him to go.
But I have stuffed up again....

Daddy, please cover me... may You have mercy and may Your grace cover my mistakes.
Forgive me for not trusting You. Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for disappointing You.

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for continuing to change me and refine me.
I accept it all Lord.

Thank You.