I have done what I can and said what I can say. i have been as open and honest as I can, without trying to defend my behaviour or blame anyone for it.
But I so feel like defending myself. Explaining why I felt the way I felt. Explaining my conversation with yiling and how it affected me. I shouldnt have let her negativity rubbed off on me. Cos she can have her opinions, but what matters is what You say to me and You said to believe. Yet I didnt. And I feel so sucky about it all.
I feel like a failure. Again, I messed up. Again I was rebellious and did not trust You. :(
When.... when will I learn to trust You and really just leave it in Your hands?
You have given me the solutions to my troubles! Yet I ignore it. So blatantly! :(
I am to bring it to You. All my cares and concerns. I am to take it to You, not the person.
Yet i still fail. It hurts. I have caused someone grieve. Just cos I could not trust You. Its not even trusting the person. Its trusting You and even that I cant do. How useless.
I hate myself. Always getting in trouble.
And its so hard to get out once the downward spiral starts.
I know I am a WIP. I know that one day, I can fully trust You and leave everything at Your feet and not have any cares how it might turn out. But when Daddy? when? i hate the word process. I hate the phrase "it takes time"
But as physical wounds require time to heal, so does my emotional wounds. Yet I am too impatient and expect changes overnight. I cant even practice what I preach. how can i raise leaders as You asked me to?
Are you sure it is my calling? And not me making it all up?
Lord, I have done it all. Now it is all Yours. It should have been all the time.
It can only get BETTER!!! It has to! Cos You are sovereign. You are Lord. There is no one else.
argh... sigh...
Praise You God for everything that You have given me! Even the troubles, for they are but to strengthen me.
I will praise You in every trial and challenge that I face. I refuse to back down and let my flesh take over.
No comments:
Post a Comment