11 May 2011 - Torn

It is Well with my soul is playing in the background, but that is not what I feel.

Once again I wonder if I am being tested, in my faith with regards to God's providence.
I get it that He gave me the apartment and that if He wanted me to go back to SG, He will provide the funds and avenues to make things work. It wont be up to me or Ben to make it happen. Ben does not have to give me a plan. God provides. I just need support from Ben and confirmation.

A part of me wants to return. And that is cos I miss my parents. I want to be able to spend time with them. But Sandra is right. Long term living with them can create friction, which the relationship could be better if we were living apart.

I dont know what I like about Ben. Is it cos I am desperate to be with someone? Is it cos of the flirtatious conversations we had? What is it?

Why do I really want to go back?

I feel so tired. So alone. There's no one here to take care of me, to share life with, to do things with.

It is a big sacrifice for me to return to SG. But is it what God wants of me? If it is, I do not wish to be disobedient.

Is Ben just a distraction for me again? To take me away from the pain that I feel from the loss of Toulia and the betrayal of the union with Melinda? Is this for real? Is Ben really serious?
I really dont know, until he pops the question. Once bitten twice shy. Toulia kept talking about getting married. Yet he walked away.

I hope I do not unconsciously push Ben away. I think I have a knack of doing that. I need to hold back and not be naive and gullible and just jump into everything. At the same time, I need to give Ben space to make the decision and to be who he is. To do what he must do as the man.

Oh Lord, help me. I am so conflicted.

Although I was almost convinced that I should return to SG cos I have no choice, now taking a few steps back, seems like all I have to do is be patient and wait.

As God's word had said in Acts 12:12-16, the prayer has been answered, but I do not believe. I do not believe the knock on the door is an answered prayer. But time shows. So I have to give it time. Time will show if Ben is the one. Time will show if Ben is to come to Aus.

At least I am at peace that if I really have to go, I will. My trust is in God, not the world.

Seems bit like the apartment, whilst the answers and providence were right in front of my eyes, I did not dare believe, did not dare see. And kept worrying and hunting around for apartments. At the end of the day, I stayed. But the hunting showed me how blessed I was and what I had.

Abba.... I will rest at Your feet!
I will wait on You.

Thank You God!