Words can't express how I feel or what I want to say. This fluctuating emotion doesn't help either.
There is so much I Wana ask, so much I Wana say to Ben yet I don't know how.
His interest in me is already flattering. How could it be? After all these years?
Yet how much of what he said was a joke? Was to disturb me? It would be a very cruel thing he is doing if he were joking all this while, whether for jest or just to fill his time.
He's so busy these few weeks. how do I ask him to set time aside so we can talk?
His love language is definitely not quality time. If it were he would find time for me.
I am so scared. How do I tell Ben? What do I say? I don't even know what I fear! There are a million and one thoughts!
What if he is not who I think he is? What if my attraction to him was based on the imagination that w as running wild from my previous experience with him? What if I was attracted cos we dated before and there were emotional and sexual ties that were not severed?!?! What if what if what if....
But they are all true.
What if he comes here and finds something he doesn't like? Will he regret his decision and give up?
He said lovely things. Such as he will not give up on me this time, that he will not let me go this time. All sounds great yet no action has been taken. He has not asked me to be in a relationship with him. Just calls me endearing names. Not that I do not like the sound of it. Just that I would like to be asked formally. But how do I say that to him?!?!
It kills me each time he talks about his parents- how worried he is about them. How frail and aging they are. I don't know how to respond. Cos my heart hurts so much. I can almost imagine him throwing up his hands and saying he gives up.
In fact that exactly what he said- that he will give up a good wife if he has to choose between the gal n the parents.
It's not like I want to replace the place his parents has in his heart. But I'm so afraid that that will cause the relationship not to work out.
He asked how come I can allow my parents to be in SG whilst they are so old.
Me being in SG is not going to change a thing. Life goes on. my parents will still grow old. They still can take care of themselves. When they can't I'll find a way to. But I can't be there for them 24/7. But I duno if he understands that. I doubt it.
So what do I do Daddy? What can I do?!
My heart aches yet I know not what to say. I want to be so close yet I want to be so far cos I dun Wana hurt. Is this supposed to be this way? Are relationships supposed to cause so much pain and trauma?
Help me Lord. Help me!
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