I cant figure out why it matters so much to me that I am liked. And why it hurts so much when I perceive that I am not wanted/rejected.
I am useless in this state. I feel so pathetic having to take the anti-depressant pills. God gave me the strength and power to overcome all things yet I cant even deal with tiny matters of the will power.
I feel so sick from the pills. And all I can see if my hovering over a dustbin, crying my eyes out, cos I feel awfully sick from the medication. And I am all alone.
How did I get here? This is not the Carol that I know. She was strong. She was a fighter. Now all I see is a weak fragile person who hardly has the will to live. How did I let the enemy get so close to wiping me out?
I dont have anyone to turn to. I know that God is the one I need to turn to. But what does that mean? i've prayed over and over again, yet I just need 1 person to reject me and I break.
I feel embarrassed. I feel so useless. I cant even cope with the simple skill of accepting other's decisions. Its a choice they make. I dont have to be liked by everyone. And not everyone that I like will like me back. So what's wrong with me? Why cant I handle simple things like this?
Why do I keep thinking that Ben is not interested? Why must it be negative. He has already said he will come. Why do I have to push him an further away?
Why does my existence rely so much on him? It shouldnt yet it seems to be that way. Its so unhealthy. Yet I am doing it and I dont know why and I dont know any other way.
This sucks!
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