19 May 2011 - Enough!

I refuse to be slave to my emotions and my thoughts any longer.

I will take all my hurts and pains to God. I will NOT seek sympathy from anyone else. It should have been the way all along. Yet I keep straying from it.

God is my security, yet I make humans pay for my insecurity. :(

Daddy, I am really really sad. I dont know if I have lost him. I see the error of my ways and I ask you for your forgiveness. I know I went ahead of myself once again, to try to sort things out and have everything laid out for me. Again I relied on my own strength.

I want so badly to explain to him, to have him understand what I was going through. To have him hear all the excuses that I have. But enough is enough. I have tried to do too much on my own.

Battling with PMS, mood swings that seem like depression, insecurity and baggages from the past just does not cut it.

I have no where else to go. If it is in Your plans for Ben to be in my life, then Lord, I beg you to clear things up on my behalf. I will only cause more confusion. But I know that if You were to do it, You can clear things up. It doesnt matter what things look like right now, You will make things work.

But if he is not in Your will for me, I will gladly let it go. I refuse to pursue this without Your consent. I know I messed up again and I am going to continue to mess up. But Your grace is so much more than my mistakes. Help me to get into less messes and to turn to You with every decision that I make. To seek You in everything that I do. To rely on You and give everything up to You.

I will let this go. I am laying this at Your feet. Daddy, if You will, restore this relationship and help the 2 of us grow closer and understand each other better.

If this is not Your will, I thank You for removing him from my life and setting me up for my future. The hope and future that You promised. For I am Your workmanship, to do the work that You have preordained me to do before the creation of the world!

God, thank You for the strength You have given me. I know that I can get through this. No medication. No turning to other substance. No relying on any other human but You.

amen!