These thoughts and feelings still come up pretty often. That feeling of being wronged and wanting so bad to fight for myself just keeps coming up.
But I have to trust God to help me. If He has not stuck up for me, then I shouldnt try to. He knows when is the best time to reveal things.
Had thoughts/ideas planted in my mind. Not sure if it is from Him. But i think it is. Although, of cos all the other additional thoughts are mine.
I believe Daddy told me to pass the Love & War book to Toulia and remind him of the spiritual warfare that we are in. As well as get him the medicine for his nail. (honestly, i'm really guessing that he would have taken care of that by now and if he has, geesh... that's not really a thought i want to entertain. its disgusting. how can someone NOT take crae of himself?!)
anyways, so many other thoughts came up. The want to defend myself, to tell him how he destroyed my life, how disappointing it was to have him walk out on me when I was at my lowest. And that i am glad we didnt marry when i suggested it before. cos i dont know if he would have walked out on me.
what a coward! gutless!
sigh.. yes... after so long, i am still angry!
I wish i could get over it! i really wish i can stop being angry about it.
:(
it hurts me to see me so angry still.
i feel sorry for myself. that i had met such a gutless man.
i deserve more.
i deserve someone who loves me enough to support me through everything.
i loved him. regardless of what he was going through, i stood by him. i bore the brunt of it with him.
he just left me.
made me feel worthless. made me feel small.
made me feel unlovable. especially his comments. how i wish i never met him.
i dont know and still cant see what God wanted to achieve out of this. but i am not going to mull over it and stress my already stressed brain.
in all honesty, i never thought that i was going through so much.
he was just such an asshole. cold. heartless.
how dare he claim to have loved me.
yes i can remember all the little things he used to do for me.
but that's all.
when he is facing his own pressures and crisis, he topples over.
what claims he made previously, saying that my pms was his pms cos whatever affects me affects him!
HAH!
my work caused me so much stress and pressure. he did not bear any of it with me.
he was far from being understanding
in fact he trashed me when i was already on the ground. beat me to pulp with his words.
how i wish i could tell him that his words nearly killed me.
how i wish i had the courage to kill myself and make him feel guilty for the rest of his life. let it haunt him!
but... oh well, all these are said in anger and disappointment and all .. not that i really want it to happen. but the hurt that he caused was really just so great. if only he knew!
if only he knew....
sigh..
oh wells... my eyes are fixed on jesus. He came, bore my sins, died for me and rose again.
so i am clean. righteous. renewed.
i know God has great plans for me. i know He will have a partner for me. and i will wait on Him.
i have learnt to fight the first instinct to just go and do something, cos i think it is from God. until i get a confirmation. well, 2 at least.
I will WAIT on the Lord.
And I will learn to BE STILL! and just BE!
I know that above message was strongly put across to me by God!
In church by Catrina.
Then later personally by God - verses I read, books & well, the very obvious song by Kirk Franklin which couldnt stop repeating - Be Still and know I am God!
sigh.. oh wells...
God is good!
That's enough!
God is Sovereign! Praise Him!
Jesus Loves me!
I'm thankful!
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