4 more months and it will be a year since we split.
Time seem to have passed really fast. But the pain that I am carrying doesnt seem to have grown any less.
I dont know what God has for me. Mentally I know He has great plans. But practically, I am loosing my will to live. The pain is getting overwhelming.
I still cant stop thinking about him. I know that all those memories are the past. I HATE holding on to the past. Why cant i let it go?! I dont want it!
I dont want it cos it is causing me pain.
I see someone with a diamond ring and all i hear is his voice in my head saying "You are not going to get it!"
We were talking about getting married, how to have the celebrations, who to call. How can that turn into a "You are not getting it!"
It was so cruel.
It is so painful. What did I ever do to deserve that. And not even a sorry. No apologies whatsoever that those words had hurt so much.
And to add to it, animosity towards me.
what have i done to deserve that kind of isolation and rejection?
How did something so good turn into something so bad?
What did I do such that he cant remember a good thing that we had and cant see a future for us?
were we so badly matched as he had said?
so many questions, no answers. Just having to accept the choices that someone else made. No control whatsoever over those choices.
I so badly wanted to tell him he is wrong. But I cant. He's made a choice and I have to live with it. there's nothing I can do.
I need to accept, to surrender. Yet i dont know how. I have never given control of my life to anyone.
I know I can trust Jesus and I can give it all unto Him, but how?
How?
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