Wow... as I start telling my life story and the trials and challenges that I've been through, suddenly I see the level of immaturity Toulia had. And I also got to see my own journey.
Saved at the age of 17 meant nothing to me other than attending church with Esther for a few occasions before she disappeared for her mission trip. The next couple of years was nothing other than getting into trouble, making wrong decisions and piling up the hurt in my life.
Although I grew up in a convent school and had learnt about Jesus since young, and Mary and Lucy most probably prayed for me when I was young, I dont think I knew any much more than what I knew I was getting myself into at age 17.
Anyway, God is faithful and keeps close eyes on me. Despite the drifting away, He brought me back. Through each trial and challenge in my life, He brought me closer to Him, understanding Him more, knowing His ways better.
The journey started around 1998 when I joined citibank. I am grateful for God calling me back. If there was no Sandra, I would never have made it back to His side. The journey really started then I believe. And if Sandra did not leave for Canada, i think I too would not have taken another step closer to God.
And well, with the break up in 2005, that led me even closer. Regardless of all the wrong decisions that I made, He kept me safe and kept me on His path for me. So now even though everything seems uncertain, I am certain that I have been called to Sydney, Hillsong. And He has great plans for me.
I have been through alot, drifted away alot and come back to Him alot too. Through it all, I have grown heaps too. Responding in anger is still a challenge, but looking back, it is much less of a challenge that it was 10 years back.
Having taken a good look at my own life and then at Toulia's, I realised that he has hardly experienced anything major in his life, other than his fiance cheating on him. Life was cruisey for him. So much so that he did not even know how to handle a change in cash flow when he switched jobs.
sigh... I really dont know how I was never able to see all of that. No wonder he is unable to understand what I have been through, what I was going through and what my heart desired. He was young an immature. Smart and intelligent no doubt, but lacks the wisdom of a man of God.
I would have been a mother to him. Given the experience that I had undergone, I know I could put up with the way he was, if I did not deal with any major issues in my life at that time. However obviously that was not so.
I dont know if God has taken all the men in my past out of my life cos He knew that they would keep me away from Him or I destroyed it. Nonetheless, God is faithful and has claimed all responsibility for man's actions and the devil's temptations. And I know that He will deliver me from this situation. He still has a mate for me.
I know God only wants the best for me and has the best for me.
I cant understand what happened. Cant explain it all. But I can see how He is just drawing me closer to Him, changing me and softening my heart. I've never desired to be so obedient and surrender all I have to Him.
i have also never trusted Him to change, not just my circumstances, but me. I had always thought that if any change were to happen, it would be my efforts. And I have always blamed myself for not putting in enough effort. But I can see now, that it was nothing to do with my efforts. As long as I desired to be obedient and that was the intention, He would make it possible.
The fight that I currently have now:- emotionally, mentally and even physically is the change that He is doing for me. It is so uncomfortable. I cant understand what's happening. Yet I can see the change. When I overcome the feelings of discomfort, a change has already happened. Its amazing!
wow... I never knew how good God was... till now. In my pains and troubles, He was there. He was working on me, moulding me, changing me.
My trust in my Daddy God grows. Partly cos of the change I am now seeing, as well as His past faithfulness to me and the heroes of the past, and His words and promises in the bible.
Proverbs 4:25 - Let your eyes look right on (with fixed purpose), and let your gaze be straight before you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight and understanding. In all your ways, know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
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