Day had been good.
After last night's chat with Melania, my eyes were opened and I was able to let go. Didnt think too much.
Decided to focus on what I can control - who I want to be by the end of the year.
=> Gentle tongue, no gossip, encourager, peace maker.
=> Obedient to God.
This is so that I can be a good wife and mom to my kids and husband when God brings it to pass.
Listening to the new song Aftermath now. I think its the tune. Its just causing my heart to wrench. I dont know why. There's just pain which I cannot identify.
I acknowledge that I was probably in depression although I had only seen it as stress. But if what Vicki said was true, that sighing was a sign of depression and my erractic moods as well, then yes I was probably in depression for a long time. Probably since I joined Sussex.
Never thought the pressure I had faced was so great that it would cause me depression. In fact, never thought that stress could ever cause depression. Not that I am blaming my doctor, cos Tim knew that I was really stressed. He gave me pills to sleep well. But not happy pills.
I wonder how it would have been like if he had given me those pills. Would me and Toulia still be together? Would things have been different? Perhaps. But I would not have learnt all that I have so far and made the changes that I have and continue making the changes.
There's a tad of self pity (yes... the flesh and the devil always does this) to learn that I was most probably in a state of depression when Toulia and I split. I feel so sad. At a time when I needed him most, he walked out of me. Its kinda like "Oh poor me."
Praise God that He did not walk out on me, yet remained Faithful and Enduring throughout the entire period, despite my tantrums, my tears, my sorrows and my lamentations. And He sent good friends to surround me instead. To give me comfort, to help me feel that I belong, to encourage me.
How good is our God?!
Yet I cannot fathom what it means to have a relationship with Him, that my purpose here on earth is to have a relationship with Him. Perhaps I already have one. I do believe that I do have one. But i'm not sure if that is the ideal relationship. And I guess my logical mind always needs an explanation, a picture and thus still have not quite gotten a grasp of it.
Oh... how I want to just feel God's presence! Just to be alone with Him. Just me and Him and no one else!
How awesome!
Closing my eyes, listening to Aftermath, tears just cant stop rolling. And there's this feeling that I cant describe. Is that what it means to be in God's presence?! Feels like alot of emotions overflowing from within my heart. And a presence enveloping me. As if a pair of large hands had just grasp me around my shoulders and given me a huge big hug!
Oh Daddy God! Can I stay forever in Your presence? I can never get enough of it! I dont want this day, this moment to pass. I dont want it to end. I want time to just stand still. Just you and me, oblivious to everyone and everything else around.
Love, your dearest daughter.
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