I dont know how to deal with all of the emotions that keep coming up. I dont know if i am suppressing them or dealing with them. I cant tell the difference. I dont want to suppress them. Yet I do not want to let them take control and drive me.
What do I do? How Lord how? Help! :(
It still hurts so much.
And I still wish that it is but a rebound and that he would find his way back to wisdom and see that she is not good for him.
It is perhaps pride that is causing me to feel that I am better. I am going around asking and telling, so that I can hear others say that I am better.
But what's the point? They are not him! He made the choice and it is breaking my heart!
His choices broke my heart and are still breaking my heart.
It shows how callous he is. Did I cause that or was he already this way?
The memory of his unforgiveness towards his Hmong group still seems so fresh. The bitterness towards his parents still feels so fresh. But that is the past.
When will I be free of it? Its not mine to deal with already, yet it still keeps coming back.
But all these are what I have noticed. He is not aware. He doesnt think that he has any unforgiveness or bitterness toward either his parents or his tribe.
How can my heart still be soft towards him?
He has done me so much wrong and injustice.
This area, praying for him, loving him, I can deal with. The part that I cant deal with is his union with Melinda. I dont like the emotions that come up. And I dont know how to deal with it.
I feel betrayed by her and feel that she set it all up. Not that they just "fell in love" but her eye was on him. Cos of all the comments that she's made about him before and all the comments she's made about her ex.
And how the entire thing happened. how she dumped Ben and shortly after is now dating Toulia!
I am hurting. It feels so unfair! And I am jealous that someone else got her hands on my guy!
Even though we have broken up, but cos I hope, I still feel that he is My Guy! Although he is NOT! and has not been for a long time! Yet I couldnt face that!
My heart is wrenching. I want to cry out! If I were at home, I would. But I am not. I'm at work. :(
I hate her! I cant see the good at the moment. And I really want to curse her. :(
I want to curse their relationship. That it would fail. That it would just be a rebound and Toulia would find someone else!
I think I wont be so sore if he found someone else! ARGH!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
hurts!
:_(
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