7 Feb 2011 - Tempted

I think breaking Fast to celebrate is a bad idea.
The intake of sugar immediately messed up my mind.

And once again i face a dip.

I am tempted to seek him out, even though he has very clearly stated that he doesnt want to be associated with me.

I want to seek him out to tell him how sorry I am for having hurt him. And asking for his forgiveness. I cant bear to experience him so angry at me. For thinking that I have "killed" him, just like how Maggie killed Tony in the movie yesterday, cos of her unbelief and her desire for revenge.

He was a simple guy. Who wanted simple stuff. All he wanted was to go back to her home cos he was a vagabond.

I dont know what toulia's deepest desire was. And i know that it was probably the same as mine, but my choices have destroyed that hope.

I cant bear this pain.
Help.

I know I cannot find him.
I know I need to trust in God.
And if I trust in God, I cannot find toulia. No matter how much I want to explain things. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how I want to defend myself. I have to trust God to defend me. And if He hasnt already, then it is no point. I have to let go. I have to let God.

I need to let go.

Jesus is praying for me right now.

God has great plans for me!
It is ok to eat.

God will not punish me just because I broke fast.
He loves me and does not want to see me suffer.

God wants me healed and whole.

He sent Jesus so I can be healed and whole.
Jesus has already done the works.

I AM healed and whole.
God will process all the pain and hurts from my past so I can be free of them.

Regardless of pain, I must trust in Him.

He sent Jesus. What else can I ask for?!

And Jesus willingly died for me. What else can I ask for?!
He could have walked away, but He didnt, just so that I can be saved!
He died for me! He died to save me! He died so I can have healing!

I am now a new creation. I have a new heart.
A heart of love, of compassion.
A heart that allows me to be kind even in the deepest sorrow.

God heals my hurts and pains.

I shall forever worship Him.

the devil has lost!

Hallelujah!

I shall live life happy!
I will rejoice!